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#444706 - 08/19/13 05:11 PM Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
This is a long post, but I needed to let it out. Please bear with me.

Lately, Iíve been doing a bit of soul-searching, with regards to my Ďdealingí and Ďrecoveringí. I felt like I was at a roadblock, perhaps one that is keeping me from going to that next Ďstepí. I felt like I had recovered all of the memories that needed to be addressed (though I do not often revisit them, theyíre lurking, somewhere), and Iíve analyzed them, and made the necessary connections to the person Iíve become today. All that was good, but it got me in a place where I simply spent time sulking, leading somewhat of a mundane existence without much purpose, feeling like Ďdamaged goodsí all I was, am, and ever will be. I felt like I now need to move beyond this stage; I pondered this the whole day today, and felt I needed to put my thoughts into writing.

To give some context, I have a dream, and thatís to become a pianist. Itís been with me now for a good number of years, as playing music is to a large extent the only thing that matters to me. The problem is, I realized today, that so much of my potential is being marred by the aftereffects of my own abuse. As if sleeping with me wasnít enough, my mother (abuser) ravaged my mind with a lot of forms of emotional abuse (e.g. belittling or ignoring any success or progress, constantly reminding me that I cannot make it on my own, criticizing or mocking or sneering at the way I played the piano, invalidating my methods and feelings, etc.) Add to that the fact that Iím still financially dependent on my father (who is more or less the slave of my mother), which leaves me in a position where Iím constantly harassed everyday by unwanted texts, phone calls and emails from them, with a lot of guilt-tripping, sob-stories or threats of cutting off support. A lot of members on here have suggested to me getting a job Ė while I truly respect this advice, it is difficult for me, with a 5-year gap on my CV and no job experience; also, a normal job means I would have to give up my artistic ambitions. Iíve led somewhat of a floating existence the last few months, but today I took a good look inside and dug out how I really feel, and it wasnít pretty. When I looked through all the layers of the protective shields that have by in large numbed me from negative emotions, I realized Iíve been feeling awful Ė I felt depressed, discouraged and dispirited...robbed of hope, confidence and faith in my own beliefs, values and thoughts, and defeatist in my attitude towards life. All of this translated themselves to a behavior that was wrought with apathy, idleness, procrastination, escape and addictions.

So I told myself today, this isnít the way I want to live the rest of my life. I wonít give into all this shit. I wonít give up. I want to prove to myself that I can beat them Ė my past, the abuse (past and ongoing), all of the bastards Iíve run into who took advantage of my weakened and vulnerable state and dumped me in the emotional gutter, and perhaps most importantly: myself. I want to show just how much of a badass I actually am, what Iím made of.

A while ago, I made an announcement that Iíd record 25 pieces to celebrate my 25th birthday, and I asked friends to give me suggestions as to what to record. I finalized a list of 25 pieces, and was well into a good routine, set on making it before I turned 25. Itís been about 6 months since my 25th birthday, and no recordings Ė I had crumbled. Midway into it, my ex-gf (I had a bad relationship with her and we had a nasty break-up that had her giving me death threats) made contact with me again, and focusing on this project and dealing with my parents had proven too much for me. I feel ashamed, that I wasnít man enough to live up to my word: I had let down all of my friends. It's really coming to the fore now - I feel like I'm no good, full of empty promises and not having the backbone to back them up. I had failed. But now I feel like the right thing to do is to suck it up, swallow the failure and shame, and revive the project.

Very recently, a friend of mine (who knows about my CSA) made a bet with me Ė 100 quid to perform 20 pieces live, by mid-September. Game on. Iíve prepared two programs that cover most of my originally proposed 25 pieces Ė I felt it was a nice way to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. Iíve printed them out. Iím hoping this will be my salvation, my redemption. It is ambitious (between three or four hours of music, all memorized; not to mention the dreaded aspect of having to make oneself emotionally vulnerable in front of many people), but I feel the process already having an impact on how Iím dealing with the abuse. I imagine myself bowing to the audience right before I start (and hopefully not fainting). I wrote down a list of skills and traits I have as a pianist, to give me back some well-needed confidence. I made a small space in my room only dedicated to music. I've printed out a list of quotes to keep me motivated. I have a routine and time schedule set to keep me from losing focus and being sucked into a vicious cycle of pain and wallowing again. I have, coincidentally, just about 25 days to make this happen. If these two recitals happen, I have many things to look forward to. I know that to a large extent, itíll verify and validate me as a musician and pianist, which will replace my identity as a mere Ďsurvivorí. I know itíll mean a taste of hope, of freedom, independence and autonomy. I know itíll help me validate my sense of being a man, with a purpose to fulfill in society (i.e. a social function), and a job/vocation that will give my life meaning, tasks and responsibility. I know I can realize my values Ė sensitivity, diligence, commitment, dedication, passion, vitality, spirit, emotional range, truth, honesty and genuineness Ė in performing these recitals.

I hope I can pull this off. And I hope it will be cathartic for me. I know Iíll need a lot of encouragement, from others and from myself. I know itíll be tough. I know I will need a strong mind. But Iím sick of letting the abuse wash away all of my potential into couldíve- and wouldíve-beens. I want to give life another shot. I want to forge my own identity. Iím ready for this next hurdle; I want to realize my dream.
_________________________
Husky

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#444727 - 08/19/13 08:23 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1539
I am happy for you. You deserve to achieve your dreams. Do not let the b**stards keep you down. I am glad you realize you will no longer be the slave of those try to control you. Your family wants to hold you back--maybe guilt, shame--but that is their issue. Keep moving and go for your dream.

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#444743 - 08/19/13 11:54 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
Where is the like button? :thumbup:

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#445026 - 08/21/13 10:43 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1087
Loc: The ATL

Hi Husky. Good luck with this man! It certainly is ambitious. I envision you in the next 25 days as being in this kind of Rocky-eque training/practicing montage, although instead of punching animal carcasses in a meat locker and running up stairs, you're just practicing and practicing and practicing your music like crazy. Maybe with "Eye of the Tiger" playing in the background. smile

Good luck buddy! We're all rooting for you. Peace,

Ken

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#445072 - 08/22/13 07:33 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 684
Loc: Southeast USA
Way to go Husky! I'll just add a couple of quotes from Carl Jung:


"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."

"The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves."


Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#445116 - 08/22/13 02:48 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 212
Loc: California
Husky,

This post was really good for me to read right now. It is great to see you pick up something you really enjoy doing, and working toward it with such purpose. Just mustering the energy to do that must feel amazing.

I am a writer and have put some of my own projects on the back burner for a while to deal with the immediate CSA issues that need attention. This post is an inspiration to me that some day on the horizon I will get to this place you are describing here and dive back into it. Thanks so much for putting this out there.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#445122 - 08/22/13 03:35 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
Husky,

WOW, that was great. Even if you fail or something doesn't go right you will be the winner because you made that effort and once you make the effort the first time the next time will be easier. Pain is the name of the game. You are in pain when you do nothing and let the abuse rule who you are today and you are in pain when you try to confront the effects of the abuse. I think the trick is to realize that the pain from confronting the effects of abuse has a pay off in the end, or at least a chance of a pay off while not doing anything has no chance.

Great realizations and an attack plan for fighting back. I'm sure it's scary, but you already sound pumped and isn't that an awesome feeling.

I'll be pulling hard for you. This is why I may never leave this site - for moments like this.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445151 - 08/22/13 06:10 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
Guys...

Thanks SO much for the support...you have no idea how much this means to me. I had a bit of a setback today, but I'm picking myself up after reading all of your comments. Your words are truly uplifting and encouraging. It won't be easy - I guess this will also be a way of training myself to keep working hard and not letting setbacks break my spirit or confidence. About 20 days left until the first planned recital. Giving it all I've got! Thanks again for the support, will keep you guys posted - hopefully with good news.
_________________________
Husky

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#445159 - 08/22/13 08:21 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
I think we might have a clue about how much it may mean to you grin; I'm glad we could help and I look forward to hearing how things work out.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#445627 - 08/27/13 07:49 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 123
Loc: California
I'm really glad to read this post, Husky. Congratulations and good luck on your musical performances!

I wish I could be in the audience (:

I want you to know that your encouragement of me helped a lot in my recent public "performance" of the bed in Berlin and the writing on my blog. Your words gave me courage.

You've got a lot of people on your side. I'm rooting for you.

Geoff

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#445751 - 08/28/13 05:06 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
smile Thanks guys. Things are slowly progressing - exactly two weeks left. The next few days will be pretty intense.
_________________________
Husky

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#445843 - 08/29/13 08:26 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
Thanks for the update and best of luck to you. I can't wait to hear how it goes.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446184 - 09/02/13 01:01 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
Bit of a setback today amidst progress.

I HATE bumping this thread at the expense of other more important ones on the main forum - looking back, I don't even know how much of this was relevant to CSA anymore - but I don't have anyone else to turn to for support at the moment. Sorry.

I had a bad dream...I wouldn't exactly call it a nightmare given the things I read here...my mother was in, my landlady (a toxic woman in her own right), and a piano professor who had previously told me (in real life) that I had absolutely no future in piano-playing, that I played terribly, didn't even let me finish the piece I had prepared...and they were all having tea (?). The professor, for some reason, gave me a beer, and my mother started to laugh hysterically. He saw that I had brought a pile of music with me, and tauntingly asked what I was doing with it. My mother and landlady pressured me to play but I told them I couldn't and didn't want to, as I had nothing ready.

It's weird that I should have this dream tonight, because it happened on the day I sent invites out to my friends for my concert. I've memorized the program for it, finally - now I need to get my fingers in shape. A lot of the times when I had been practicing, I felt like I was rewriting my destiny - it was weird, something palpable. Like I was in the process of completely overturning the direction my life was headed. But tonight's been a bit of a setback. It's 7am already and I probably won't get back to sleep.

Thanks for listening (/reading).
_________________________
Husky

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#446192 - 09/02/13 02:56 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Husky,
Don't feel bad talking about pursuing your dream?! I'm willing to listen to people's bad times, but I'm very happy to hear about victories! If a BB is to help support and share in each others' struggles, can't we be privileged enough to share a little bit in your success!!!
Keep up the hard work!
Kick butt at your concert.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#446213 - 09/02/13 10:13 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
Your thread is just as important as the other ones and hearing how someone is making efforts at fighting the effects of CSA is VERY important. I turn here for support as well and there's room for all of us. Besides I really want to know how things are going.

I don't think the timing of the dream is weird at all. Sending out invitations the same day - it's getting more real. It will be harder to stop things now. That can be a good thing too. Pressure to keep moving forward which I hope you do. As you get closer to the event you should expect more fear and that too is a good thing. It can be a great motivator as well. Just remember what you are doing right NOW and these last several days is great! You're already being successful.

You know what I do sometimes when I find myself sinking into thoughts that keep me from succeeding? I reread the stuff I wrote that got me to this point. Reread your original post - it's still awesome!

You are not alone on this journey.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446224 - 09/02/13 11:50 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 212
Loc: California
Husky,

I can really relate to your most recent response in this post. I think we all have our internal saboteurs that tend to come out when we are letting go of old patterns and rising above challenges. Those internal voices that whisper or yell that we are not worth it, and work against what we are struggling to do. I know I have that in the shape of dreams, daydreams, or just voices in my head all the time.

I now equate the rise of these saboteurs as a key indicator that I am on the right path and that I should not turn back. I think it means you are getting ready to challenge a huge obstacle or huge issue from your past. This concert seems likely to be a big turning point for you. You are reclaiming something vitally important to your sense of self worth. Keep pushing past the dreams and the voices. You are most definitely worth it.

I am so excited for you. It's great that the invitations have been sent out. I would love to witness it, but will be there in spirit cheering you on. Can't wait to hear how it turns out.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#446254 - 09/02/13 08:41 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 123
Loc: California
Todd, I could not say it better.

Husky - I think you're wonderful to take this challenge on. The abused person inside you is a little scared right now, and out of fear he is pressuring you to quit. He will be more comfortable when he sees how strong and brave you are as you perform, and then he'll show you his happy side - the side that got put away when the abuse happened. At that point, he will probably begin to help you out!

I believe in you, whatever happens, Husky.

Geoff

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#446293 - 09/03/13 09:58 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
Onesimus, Rich, Todd, Geoff - thanks so much for this, guys. Your support's come at a time when I really needed it, in the midst of a huge challenge.

I dozed off to sleep after the dream, for a few hours maximum, until I got woken up again by what I think counts this time as a nightmare. I won't go into the details, but I was pretty jaded. After a day's rest, things are better.

Onesimus - I will keep up the hard work. I have to admit, it's not seldom when I think of just throwing in the towel and calling the whole thing off. I really have to dig into my reserves to keep going, but I won't stop.

Rich - you are right, there's no turning back now, I've hit the 'point of no return'. I'll be reserving booking out the venue today, and strolling around for a nice suit. You're absolutely right about the pressure and fear being good motivators now. It's a fine line though - those two things motivating you on the one hand, and making you crumble on the other. I have one piece of paper taped on the face on my piano and it simply says in block letters, "BREATHE." I forget to do that sometimes. I did reread my post - thank you for reminding me to do that. It's made me remember the thoughts that got me here in the first place.

Todd - I can really relate back to what you say about the 'saboteurs'. There are many of them within me. It's making me realize how damaged I am inside, and how much overwhelming self-assurance I need to keep myself going. The three words I've been using a lot in my thoughts are "will", "am", and "can". I will x, y, z. I am x, y, z. I can do x, y, z. This project really has become something like rooting myself out of bad habits, and it's really, really hard. I cling onto the hope that with enough repeated self-encouragements, my unconscious will finally get the idea that I am capable and worthy of change.

Geoff - he is pretty scared, the little guy in me. He's scared of failing, he's scared of not being prepared for the concert. He's afraid there's not enough time. I constantly have to remind him that things will be OK, that I'll give my best to rise up to the challenge.

I've never really realized how things I overlooked are so important in rising above challenges. A good diet and sleeping schedule, for basics. And then, SELF-TALK. I do feel negative emotions quite often, and every time I need to reassure, soothe and comfort myself, and motivate myself to keep pushing. If anything, it's been a big life lesson.

I think the two biggest motivations for me at the moment are 1) friends who will be seeing me in concert and 2) you guys, who have encouraged me, and, by in large, given me the incredible message that even if I fail, I can still come back to you guys for support. It is paradoxical, but it is powerful. Thanks again guys. I'm printing your comments on posting them on my piano smile
_________________________
Husky

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#446298 - 09/03/13 10:42 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
I think it's already too late to call it failed. You've come to far. It can only be "not as good as it could have been" now which of course leads to "so for the next time I will do x, y, and z to make it even better".

Just remember the little guy inside you is trying to protect you. He means well so don't be mad at him. Thank him for worrying about you and tell him it's going to be OK. You know what you are doing and will take care of him and yourself.

I too will be there in spirit!

Keep being strong.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446351 - 09/03/13 05:27 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1539
Having a gosl, a dream shows you have hope and are learning to understsnd what makes you happy. So many people lack a dream or gosl, just go with thebflow and resent those who dream or encourge them to dream and seek. For many of us here fear has held us captive to the abuser and to a part of us that felt special to the abuser. You are moving beyond this fear. You are achieving an important dream to be free of the abuse while seeking something special and important to you. Keep going forward.

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#446370 - 09/03/13 08:44 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3294
Loc: back in the USA
Husky -

i have followed this thread with interest and excitement - willing you on to do well. i am in no way a musician - so didn't feel i had anything to add - but then thought of how i would feel before a play and see if that might transfer. so - here it is - for whatever it is worth.

in preparing for a performance an actor must become the character he or she is portraying. i am guessing that you have chosen pieces of music that speak to you deeply and express something that you intensely wish to communicate. with that in mind - may you "become the music" - lose yourself in the moment and play for the joy (and any other relevant emotion) of the compositions - and not just for the audience's approval. i hope you won't even think of success or failure - or any degrees thereof. my favorite director always told us just before curtain - "have fun with it!"

all the best as you finish well,
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#446939 - 09/11/13 10:09 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
Guys, thanks for the support again. Though I haven't replied on this thread in a while, I do come back to it often to reinvigorate myself - it's crazy how much knowing you guys will be there in spirit means to me. Last two days (and a half?) before the concert. If anything, it's been a real good opportunity to train myself mentally. Know where my limits are, and when to push them. When to be humble, when to be hopeful and demand more from myself. When to take a break. I was at a bar tonight after practicing, and they were playing "Que sera sera" (roughly meaning whatever happens, happens...) - thought it was a fitting motto for my situation at the moment. I will be practicing hard the next two days - final few laps of the race.
_________________________
Husky

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#447008 - 09/12/13 05:54 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
Husky,

I'm so excited for you! Break a leg. I looked it up and apparently that phrase is ok for musicians as well as actors just in case there was some confusion as to whether I was really talking to Lee or to you :-)

I hope you let us know how it turns out.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#447136 - 09/13/13 07:20 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 312
Loc: NY
Husky:

I know it doesn't really apply but.....rock on.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#447362 - 09/16/13 02:32 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
Hey guys.

The concert is finally over.

First of all, a big thanks to all you guys who supported me throughout the last month. It was amazing, and I truly appreciate it.

As for the concert - I wish I could say it went fantastic, but it wasn't great. I made tons of mistakes (but at least I didn't stop in the middle of any piece). It wasn't horrendous either, but nor was it as cathartic as I had hoped. The venue and the piano weren't great, and there were a lot of no shows - a modest eight listeners, all my friends, in the audience.

But.

It was a GREAT learning experience and a lesson in life for me. It's taught me humility. I'm not perfect, I have shortcomings and many faults - but at the same time, I've learned that these are things I can always work on and constantly improve. I learned to prioritize, and sacrifice things - namely, my social life - for the sake of an important goal. I learned GRATITUDE. I am so, incredibly lucky to have the friends I have, and the support from MS to pull me through rough times. I learned the importance of positive self-talk. A lot of the times, I'd sit at a coffee shop and read about success stories, and really just enter into a dialogue with myself - telling myself I can do it, that hard work conquers all, that (this is so corny, but it worked for me) diamonds are made under pressure, that perfection (as Voltaire said) requires the helping hand of time. I learned what perseverance and courage mean. Acknowledging my fears of failure and rejection, and still motivating myself enough (from inspiring quotes, and from kind words from members here and my friends) to be overcome to keep working hard, despite those fears. In my first piece, which was about 15 minutes long, I wanted to stop so many times and just throw in the towel - say to the audience, "Guys, I'm sorry, I can't do this." But I pushed on...and it gradually got easier and easier, and I finished the whole thing, even playing a little encore at the end. Two days before the concert, I got an e-mail from the venue I had originally booked, telling me that my booking got cancelled. I was relieved in some ways, because I thought this would give me the perfect excuse to cancel the entire concert and save myself from any risk of embarrassment. I powered through my doubt, and after a few hours, I got down to researching and finding an alternative venue to perform. Man, did I want to give up and just call the whole thing off. But I didn't. I didn't give up.

In light of the CSA, I guess the biggest thing I learned from this is that no one experience is going to 'remedy' it. It is such a cliche, but really, it is the process that matters, and the process is something that is going to be forever ongoing, and something that needs to be constantly maintained. You don't simply become a happy, confident, successful person with a click of the fingers - and more, even if that does happen, you don't stay that way without hard work. It takes discipline, and a lot of self-monitoring. Also, I learned that change is gradual, and they require turtle steps. The hare and tortoise legend isn't just a story...it is so true. You have to keep up the slow, small steps in working towards your goal - and eventually, you WILL reach that finish line. It takes time and patience, and faith - even if it's sometimes no longer within your mental and logical capacity to believe good things can happen. You have to feel it'll happen, against the odds. It's a complicated process with many variables.

There are things I can be really proud of, though. For the first time ever since I started 'dealing' with my problems and the CSA, I worked hard. Four of my fingers are still a little bloody from all the practicing. I also focused (i.e. blocked out CSA) enough to be able to memorize and perform about two hours of music all alone, without the assistance of anyone. That's given me hope for the future, as well as confidence and self-belief. I think having had this goal, this determination to do something for myself, really stayed true to the original title of this post, 'Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream.' The dream isn't realized yet, of course, but like I said earlier, the process is underway. And it's an incredible feeling.

I am already preparing my next concert.

Thank you all again for your words of encouragement, and for keeping up my spirits when I needed it the most.
_________________________
Husky

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#447363 - 09/16/13 03:11 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
Thank you so much for letting us know how it turned out. It's been a journey for you and one that you were able to share with us and I'm sure it has and will help others on their journey. It was awesomely hopeful and inspiring for me - thank you.

I'm very happy for you that you see it as a great leaning experience even though it wasn't perfect. You really did learn a lot of things that will help you along the way.

I'm sure the next concert will be even better, and the next one...
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#447398 - 09/16/13 09:13 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1087
Loc: The ATL

Hi Huskey. Good for you for going through with it. I know it took a hell of a lot of courage to get up in front of people when you had doubts about yourself. Don't feel bad that things didn't go perfectly. I know I've heard interviews in the past with famous and successful musicians who say that their first concerts were a disaster and they kept at it until they were famous and successful. You say that your concert wasn't a disaster, so it sounds like you're ahead of the game there. Thank you for sharing your story and your experience with us here. I only wish I could have been in the audience that night. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#447416 - 09/17/13 12:09 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 123
Loc: California
Jesus, Husky. I feel so lucky that I logged in today and read this post.

I am so proud of you - and for you.

Your new understandings are exactly what I and we need to read.

Congratulations, a million times. Your talent, and your effort, speak for all of us, and speak especially for you - Husky: survivor and thriver.

Thank you for being brave. Thank you for doing this concert humbly, and wirh an open mind, as we should all approach our journey. I feel like you are a living a Greek myth, where a man triumphs over circumstances thrown at him by the gods simply by persevering, and by being human. I'm human too, as we all are. Isn't that wonderful? We are small and we can do great things. I mean great in human scale, in terms of the lessons we can learn by taking a risk.

I respect you and the example you set enormously.

Geoff

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#447421 - 09/17/13 12:54 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 212
Loc: California
Husky,

I am so glad to hear about your journey with the concert. Really you have just documented the SOLUTION as it applies to survivors. You took us from the idea, through the planning, through the actual experience, and now finally to the outcome since that experience. All the time, you have let us come along on your inner journey with the challenges from the CSA, how it has opened up new areas of thought, and how you have swatted those concerns and challenges aside and pushed forward. All of which led to new revelations you may never have had if you would have never done it.

I am very inspired by this thread. You are a winner and my hero for doing this concert. I am sure it was beautiful music because it came from your heart. This post is certainly music to my ears. Keep moving onward and upward!!
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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