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#445751 - 08/28/13 05:06 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 605
smile Thanks guys. Things are slowly progressing - exactly two weeks left. The next few days will be pretty intense.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#445843 - 08/29/13 08:26 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Thanks for the update and best of luck to you. I can't wait to hear how it goes.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446184 - 09/02/13 01:01 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 605
Bit of a setback today amidst progress.

I HATE bumping this thread at the expense of other more important ones on the main forum - looking back, I don't even know how much of this was relevant to CSA anymore - but I don't have anyone else to turn to for support at the moment. Sorry.

I had a bad dream...I wouldn't exactly call it a nightmare given the things I read here...my mother was in, my landlady (a toxic woman in her own right), and a piano professor who had previously told me (in real life) that I had absolutely no future in piano-playing, that I played terribly, didn't even let me finish the piece I had prepared...and they were all having tea (?). The professor, for some reason, gave me a beer, and my mother started to laugh hysterically. He saw that I had brought a pile of music with me, and tauntingly asked what I was doing with it. My mother and landlady pressured me to play but I told them I couldn't and didn't want to, as I had nothing ready.

It's weird that I should have this dream tonight, because it happened on the day I sent invites out to my friends for my concert. I've memorized the program for it, finally - now I need to get my fingers in shape. A lot of the times when I had been practicing, I felt like I was rewriting my destiny - it was weird, something palpable. Like I was in the process of completely overturning the direction my life was headed. But tonight's been a bit of a setback. It's 7am already and I probably won't get back to sleep.

Thanks for listening (/reading).
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#446192 - 09/02/13 02:56 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Husky,
Don't feel bad talking about pursuing your dream?! I'm willing to listen to people's bad times, but I'm very happy to hear about victories! If a BB is to help support and share in each others' struggles, can't we be privileged enough to share a little bit in your success!!!
Keep up the hard work!
Kick butt at your concert.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#446213 - 09/02/13 10:13 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Your thread is just as important as the other ones and hearing how someone is making efforts at fighting the effects of CSA is VERY important. I turn here for support as well and there's room for all of us. Besides I really want to know how things are going.

I don't think the timing of the dream is weird at all. Sending out invitations the same day - it's getting more real. It will be harder to stop things now. That can be a good thing too. Pressure to keep moving forward which I hope you do. As you get closer to the event you should expect more fear and that too is a good thing. It can be a great motivator as well. Just remember what you are doing right NOW and these last several days is great! You're already being successful.

You know what I do sometimes when I find myself sinking into thoughts that keep me from succeeding? I reread the stuff I wrote that got me to this point. Reread your original post - it's still awesome!

You are not alone on this journey.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446224 - 09/02/13 11:50 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 226
Loc: California
Husky,

I can really relate to your most recent response in this post. I think we all have our internal saboteurs that tend to come out when we are letting go of old patterns and rising above challenges. Those internal voices that whisper or yell that we are not worth it, and work against what we are struggling to do. I know I have that in the shape of dreams, daydreams, or just voices in my head all the time.

I now equate the rise of these saboteurs as a key indicator that I am on the right path and that I should not turn back. I think it means you are getting ready to challenge a huge obstacle or huge issue from your past. This concert seems likely to be a big turning point for you. You are reclaiming something vitally important to your sense of self worth. Keep pushing past the dreams and the voices. You are most definitely worth it.

I am so excited for you. It's great that the invitations have been sent out. I would love to witness it, but will be there in spirit cheering you on. Can't wait to hear how it turns out.
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#446254 - 09/02/13 08:41 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 133
Loc: California
Todd, I could not say it better.

Husky - I think you're wonderful to take this challenge on. The abused person inside you is a little scared right now, and out of fear he is pressuring you to quit. He will be more comfortable when he sees how strong and brave you are as you perform, and then he'll show you his happy side - the side that got put away when the abuse happened. At that point, he will probably begin to help you out!

I believe in you, whatever happens, Husky.

Geoff
_________________________
I won the moment he hurt me, because he poisoned his soul, and I did not poison mine. I did not hurt anyone. He did. He was the perp. He tried to make me into a victim, but I became a survivor. Yes.

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#446293 - 09/03/13 09:58 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 605
Onesimus, Rich, Todd, Geoff - thanks so much for this, guys. Your support's come at a time when I really needed it, in the midst of a huge challenge.

I dozed off to sleep after the dream, for a few hours maximum, until I got woken up again by what I think counts this time as a nightmare. I won't go into the details, but I was pretty jaded. After a day's rest, things are better.

Onesimus - I will keep up the hard work. I have to admit, it's not seldom when I think of just throwing in the towel and calling the whole thing off. I really have to dig into my reserves to keep going, but I won't stop.

Rich - you are right, there's no turning back now, I've hit the 'point of no return'. I'll be reserving booking out the venue today, and strolling around for a nice suit. You're absolutely right about the pressure and fear being good motivators now. It's a fine line though - those two things motivating you on the one hand, and making you crumble on the other. I have one piece of paper taped on the face on my piano and it simply says in block letters, "BREATHE." I forget to do that sometimes. I did reread my post - thank you for reminding me to do that. It's made me remember the thoughts that got me here in the first place.

Todd - I can really relate back to what you say about the 'saboteurs'. There are many of them within me. It's making me realize how damaged I am inside, and how much overwhelming self-assurance I need to keep myself going. The three words I've been using a lot in my thoughts are "will", "am", and "can". I will x, y, z. I am x, y, z. I can do x, y, z. This project really has become something like rooting myself out of bad habits, and it's really, really hard. I cling onto the hope that with enough repeated self-encouragements, my unconscious will finally get the idea that I am capable and worthy of change.

Geoff - he is pretty scared, the little guy in me. He's scared of failing, he's scared of not being prepared for the concert. He's afraid there's not enough time. I constantly have to remind him that things will be OK, that I'll give my best to rise up to the challenge.

I've never really realized how things I overlooked are so important in rising above challenges. A good diet and sleeping schedule, for basics. And then, SELF-TALK. I do feel negative emotions quite often, and every time I need to reassure, soothe and comfort myself, and motivate myself to keep pushing. If anything, it's been a big life lesson.

I think the two biggest motivations for me at the moment are 1) friends who will be seeing me in concert and 2) you guys, who have encouraged me, and, by in large, given me the incredible message that even if I fail, I can still come back to you guys for support. It is paradoxical, but it is powerful. Thanks again guys. I'm printing your comments on posting them on my piano smile
_________________________
Husky

My Story

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#446298 - 09/03/13 10:42 AM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
I think it's already too late to call it failed. You've come to far. It can only be "not as good as it could have been" now which of course leads to "so for the next time I will do x, y, and z to make it even better".

Just remember the little guy inside you is trying to protect you. He means well so don't be mad at him. Thank him for worrying about you and tell him it's going to be OK. You know what you are doing and will take care of him and yourself.

I too will be there in spirit!

Keep being strong.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446351 - 09/03/13 05:27 PM Re: Transcending CSA in Realizing a Dream [Re: concerned_husky]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1782
Having a gosl, a dream shows you have hope and are learning to understsnd what makes you happy. So many people lack a dream or gosl, just go with thebflow and resent those who dream or encourge them to dream and seek. For many of us here fear has held us captive to the abuser and to a part of us that felt special to the abuser. You are moving beyond this fear. You are achieving an important dream to be free of the abuse while seeking something special and important to you. Keep going forward.

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