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#444610 - 08/18/13 05:02 PM What the F**k?
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
Okay I was triggered, um I guess.

So my parent's went to my cousin's oh 6th birthday, and I'm home alone. So natuarally I go to get a drink, but what pisses me off is this. My mom took a fucking box of wine to celebrate her 6 year old niece's birthday. WHAT THE FUCK!?

There are so many things wrong with this is almost makes my fucking head explode. I KNOW she will use this as an excuse to get drunk and "celebrate" but it's a fucking 6 YEAR OLDS BIRTHDAY PARTY! I'm just WTFing over an over again here.

I mean I think, wow no wonder I'm so fucked up. I KNOW they did this at my 6,7,8,9,10th birthday partys, I KNOW the fucking damage it caused me to have alcoholic parents, and it's burning my fucking rage that they're gonna do this to yet another kid.

I'm not exactly sure all the damage it causes, I heard of some program for maybe um, Adults of Alcoholic Parents? Idk whatever all I know is it fucked me up, and the pyschiatric community agrees. But more personally, the one thing I do know is it made my parents just "Never there". I was neglected and allowed to be abused for fucking YEARS, for fucking YEAR AFTER FUCKING YEAR, because THEY were too fucking plastered to see it, accept it, realize it, ect. fucking ect.

Idk what else to say, I can see just how fucked up my parents are now. I need to get the fuck away from them, they are insane, fucking toxic. They're sucking the god damned life out of me. My brother is schizophrenic, but he knows, he fucking knows. He sees it more literally though than metaphorically or symbolically, but I hear it again and again from my bro. And it's no wonder my sister lives thousands of miles away. I need to fucking run, run fucking run, cause I'm just gonna fall more and more if I stick around them, and it's fucking sad cause a part of me loves them, but I can not mix with them, I just can't... Our live's are incompatible.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#444616 - 08/18/13 06:22 PM Re: What the F**k? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
I believe the group you are talking about is Al Anon. It is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics. In general, there are a lot of support groups out there for all sorts of problems. The fact that there is a specific support group for individuals who merely had to endure the presence of an alcoholic in his/her life shows its potential for destruction. The fact that you recognize its negative influence upon your life and that of your other family members is a mark of valor on your part. As most of us here know, there is no shortage of people out there willing to pretend away the realities of addiction/abuse in their lives and in greater society. Bottom line: you are right. You want a life void of abuse/addiction, a self-determined existence filled with happier things than were imposed upon you in your youth. How on earth are you supposed to move on to better things if you have to actively deal with THEIR addiction? This is not ingratitude nor is it revenge for their lack of presence during your childhood it is simply you recognizing your needs and allowing them to rightfully supersede that of your parents. Certainly, they deserve recovery as well but it is not your responsibility. I truly know how you feel. I come from a long line of alcoholics and while my father is not addicted to alcohol he is addicted to porn. My strong desire to stay away from him stems more from my hatred of his addiction and what it has done to our family than any sort of personal hatred or resentment. Addiction. Is. A. Bitch.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#444673 - 08/19/13 10:30 AM Re: What the F**k? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) is a 12 step program similar to Alanon. I've tried both, they both have their focus. I felt more comfortable with Alanon.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#444677 - 08/19/13 10:59 AM Re: What the F**k? [Re: CloudyFalls]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
CF,

Seeing and recognizing the problem is huge. It's not ok what your parents are doing and what they've done to you, your family, etc. They are sick. I spent years in Al-Ateen meetings and have been to quite a few Al-Anon and AA meetings as well. I even ran a Al-Ateen group for a while. I think about how much help I needed and here I was trying to offer help to others. If you can find an Al-Anon group it may help. Some groups are amazing and other...well, they try. You may not be in a position to leave your home and if not these meetings may help you learn to live in the unhealthy environment that you find yourself in right now. I know it helped me to survive.

Glad to still see you hear posting and fighting for your own recovery. You know I care about you!


Edited by Rich1967 (08/19/13 12:06 PM)
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#444679 - 08/19/13 11:31 AM Re: What the F**k? [Re: CloudyFalls]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hey CloudyFalls,

In your previous post I responded with some suggestions to the problems you face at home, please check it out. Also the men who have responded here have done so offering really good advice. If you need to continue to live in that alcohol fueled environment, for now, you can still seek refuge and help to cope with it from the AA related meetings they've mentioned; Alanon, Adult Children of Alcoholics Groups, etc., seems a good way to begin!

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#444725 - 08/19/13 07:58 PM Re: What the F**k? [Re: CloudyFalls]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
Alright, I'm looking back and replying to you Gary,

Originally Posted By: 1.healing
(((CloudyFalls)))
I understand the practical difficulties you face leaving there and getting in a place that would be less chaotic and help you to get grounded and stay centered. Do you have any stable friends or relatives who you could live with for a time? People who would respect your need to heal and to be protected from the craziness of people at home? Are there any social service agencies who could help you gain your independence?

You mentioned that you fear being independent because you don't think you have enough self control to keep a lid on yourself. I don't know you so couldn't say, but I do know that it's largely a matter of making smart choices and having a lot of plans in place for when the shit hits the fan or something comes out of left field. It's a lot about planning and being prepared, it's about getting and staying focused on what it takes to heal and to live positively. The same things you've been largely unable to do because your home situation has such a negative impact on so many things around you.

Your pain and frustration are heart breaking, I hate to say this, but it's going to be largely up to you to find your way out of it. You need to make a practical plan for yourself, based on concrete information and actual availability of what you'll need, and then you'll need to work like hell towards that goal.


I don't know anyone or any way to get out of here. My social anxiety keeps me from getting a job, and without money I can't do anything. I could possibly get out more at least, but I'd be hanging out with my friends, meaning I'd be drinking more. Idk, it's kinda a stalemate. I don't have much of anywhere to turn. I'm afraid to go to alanon, or anything cause well obviously I'm addicted, and I doubt I can quit and am even debating if I want to. Of course it doesn't help when my world view is cynical at best, nothing has a positive result when I think it through.

Originally Posted By: 1.healing
I wish I could offer more than advice and encouragement, but I know you have the ability to make things better for yourself. You really can do this, you have the will and desire, the negatives can be made tame or completely banished. You can have the life you want for yourself, to achieve it can't be any harder than what you've already been through.


It seems impossible. I can't fathom how I'll get through this nightmare. I have this pit in my stomach right now, I get it all the time, I'm just sick with pain it hurts so bad I feel it all throughout my body, and I'm lethargic and weak. How am I gonna get anything done when I feel like that? I mean how? It's crippling.

Originally Posted By: 1.healing
To better times,


In my dreams.

---
Edit: Oh and it was my cousin's 5th birthday, not 6th. I confronted my dad about it and the way he consoled me was, "She wasn't the only one! Laurel (the kids mother) was drinking even more than her!" I said you think that's normal? He said, "Yeah why not? You're making a big deal out of nothing..." Regardless to say, my mom didn't come home that night, and neither did the box of wine.


Edited by CloudyFalls (08/19/13 08:02 PM)
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#444757 - 08/20/13 02:18 AM Re: What the F**k? [Re: CloudyFalls]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hi CloudyFalls,

If I understand correctly, your own addictions are the reason you can't seek help for your problems caused by your mom and dad's alcoholism. That the main coping strategy you learned from them was to find help and solace in a bottle. At some point that didn't work for you and you sought to explore other ways to cope; like coming to MS. I think you're in therapy too? Although you still drink and do drugs as well. The cyclical pattern your in is obvious, painfully so, breaking out of it is going to be hard for you, because it's what you know, uncomfortable as that is, after all it's what's normal for your family. You're also not financially independent or functionally able to find work or attend school. When you achieve sobriety there will be no support for a sober you from your family, sobriety is not allowed, not respected in your family.

It does narrow your choices... Have you been in any chemical dependency programs, any inpatient detox and then inpatient treatment? If so what happened after, if not would you admit yourself? It would get you out of the house, and probably give you access to people and programs that could help you gain your independence. Not sure where you live, but these days even rural communities have access to chemical dependency treatment.

This is perhaps the only way out for you at this time. Given a choice to stay in that alcohol fueled environment and continue to feel stuck and trapped or to find a program for you that includes residency and aftercare, the choice is plain, clear.

You can have a better life for yourself; it's not going to be easy, but it's also not going to be any harder than what you go through every day and what you've gone through your whole life. You deserve a change, and you deserve a whole lot better then you got! It's up to you now...

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#444759 - 08/20/13 02:50 AM Re: What the F**k? [Re: CloudyFalls]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
I went to an ACOA meeting two days ago, just to see what its about.

What I learned: any child growing up in a home with an addicted or mentally ill parent can THEMSELVES become addicted to:

Fear
Drama
Crisis
Impossible Situations
Unavailable People
Etc.

I definitely don't want my daughter going through any of that.
I see it in myself and I don't want that for her.

And...the people at that meeting, the ones who are working the program, seemed like ADULTS to me. Responsible for their own health and past the games. Humble, serving, and a wicked eye for bullshit.

You could say, they grew up much more than they might have, had they not been afflicted to begin with.

Gimme some.

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#444772 - 08/20/13 09:06 AM Re: What the F**k? [Re: CloudyFalls]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hi GoldStone,

Sounds like a healthy place to be and a good recommendation, congratulations and thanks!

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#444800 - 08/20/13 02:25 PM Re: What the F**k? [Re: 1.healing]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
@Gary,

Well, I don't do drugs... I mean I did say I abused my prescriptions once, but I have only done that once. However if you can count mixing klonopin with alcohol to increase the kick of the alcohol then well, okay yeah that's abusing. But that will stop indefinitely when I run out of klonopin, my psychiatrist knows and wouldn't dare give me anything like that again. Also, I rarely do that.

I mean a lot of what you say is true, I mean I can't deny it.

I do want to state, I am seeing a psychologist (3 in the past 4 years, seen the current one since about June), a psychiatrist (for 4 years now), and am going to group therapy (for 9 months now).

The thing I don't get is, why haven't I gotten better? At the beginning of this year, I never drank, was against it. Yet I still remember being in just as much pain before drinking than now, except I like when I'm drunk. Tbh the only factors making me want to quit is, seeing what it did to my parents, I feel as pathetic as I think my parents are, the amount I drink is unhealthy, and lastly I did end up almost killing myself and in the hospital because I drank too much and lost control. But mostly, simply because I hate the idea that I'm doing what my parents do and I hated it growing up. Idk what the point of saying that is though.

But anyways, I have thought of going inpatient or whatever, I have thought of the benefits. Funny, simply getting out of the house and away from my parents trumps my addiction to alcohol. Hell, I've even thought of going to my psych and just saying I'm going to kill myself so they can put me in the hospital so I don't have to be around them. I fucking hate them right now, I have this rage inside that's burning stronger and stronger. Like just very unhealthy rage, I don't think it's normal to have these kinds of feelings towards your own parents, but I just can't fucking stand them. It scares me how much I hate them, because I can't control it, and I'm afraid I might do something that will change my life. They are everything that keeps me afloat right now, yet they're everything that's wrong with me at the same time. I depend entirely on the people I hate the most right now, pretending and putting on a face just so I can get what I need, it sickens me. I just want to go off on them. I know just how utterly toxic they are, and I can't cut them out. I can't do anything about them.

Oh now I remember where I was going with the previous paragraph. Even if I stop drinking, my life will still suck. I will still have to deal with my parents. I will still be stuck. I'll just be sober. It hasn't been so long that I forget what it's like to be sober, it's nothing special. It's no cure, it's not some magical fix, like as if once I'm sober, my life will turn around. I know I'll be exactly where I was at the beginning of this year. Nowhere.

It must be frustrating to try and help me when I'm so cynical and negative. But I can't help it, that's the world I live in and have lived in for my whole life. A world of pain. But thanks for trying to help, cause even though it doesn't sound like you're breaking through, you're at least chipping at the wall. Maybe one day that wall will have so many cracks it'll fall down... One day, hopefully not too late.

@Goldstone, thanks for telling me about your experience, that sounds like something that could help me. I'm thinking about going to a meeting... maybe, we'll see.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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