I wish you peace, my friend. I understand what you're saying about losing your ability to control your emotions/thoughts. That happened to me in 1993. I was at my "peak". But suddenly I was out of work, completely broke, had to move my wife in with my parents, sprained my ankle so bad my wife had to support us for a month, my goals disappeared, and I wanted to die. 1994 was the year of hospitals, psychiatrists. I could not figure out what happened. It was during that year that I realized it was all about my family. It was having to move back in with my family that broke me. It was having to see my dad every day and listen to my mom try to control my life. It was the SA by my uncle. I started therapy and haven't stopped. Slowly my life is coming back into shape, and my bad days are fewer.
It sounds like what you're going through would be bad enough to drive anybody to the brink. Having to deal with SA must make it nearly impossible. I'm glad you have "critters". We have two cats, a bearded dragon, a couple of snakes (my wife's), and 2 1/2 miniature horses. One of the horses is pregnant and is due in about three weeks. No matter how bad life gets or how horrible we feel, they still love us. And we love them. There's also this site. Here are men who are continuing to survive, they understand our pain and are so nice. Network with us. Talk to us. You can't do this alone. You need help. We all need help. Please find a therapist, if you haven't already. Talk to him and talk to us. Try to express all those feelings and the pain. Cry on your keyboard. We're here for you, Whicker. Let us be here for you.
"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17