There must be somthin' happenin' here ...
Increasingly, I'm getting this sense that I have a choice to follow the emotional demons into self loathing and jealousy (as has been my life long pattern) or to stay centered and aware.
It seems like such a cliche to say that and to see myself type that. That's what therapists have been telling me for years. But I'm starting to experience what that means now.
When difficult situations arise, I am starting to have the ability to stay present to my passing feelings, and decide who I want to be in the moment (how do I want to respond?). How do I want to present myself, and what impression do I want to leave with the other person?
This has given me a level of flexibility I wasn't expecting to find. In staying present to my feelings while simultaneously making decisions on how I want to present, and what impression I want to leave, I find that I have so much more freedom in how to respond. And if I don't know how to respond, I can say that I need to mull it over and address it when I know what to do.
At the end of the day in all of this - I am learning that I can trust my feelings. This seems to be the biggest part of all of this. My feelings are no longer constantly lying to me or provoking me to act out. My gut instincts are pointing me to head in directions. And the times that I'm unsure of what to do, I just let it be for the moment until I've had some time to process the feeling.
Weird. Recovery is weird.
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.