1. Q: How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to hold his
penis...I mean ladder...I meant to say ladder
2. Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!
3. A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
4. What happens when a therapist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "120 dollars, please."
5. I found pills for my roommate who has schizophrenia...but then I realized I was living alone.
6. Two psychologists meet at their twentieth college reunion. One of them looks like he just graduated, while the other psychologist looks old, worried and withered. The older looking one asks the other, "What's your secret? Listening to other people's problems every day, all day long, for years on end, has made an old man of me." The younger looking one replies, "Who listens?"
7. If you arrive early for an appointment, you're anxious. If you arrive late for an appointment, you're anti-social. If you arrive exactly on time for an appointment, you're obsessive-compulsive.
8. A poorly trained therapist is working with a client. The client says, "I'm feeling pretty depressed" and the therapist says, "you're pretty depressed." The client says "I think I want to kill myself," and the therapist says "you feel like killing yourself." The client runs and leaps out the 3rd story window of the therapist's office. The therapist looks out and says, "aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"
9. Two behaviorists finish having sex and roll off each other. One turns to the other and says "What that as good for me as it was for you?"
10. I have C.D.O. It's like O.C.D., but the letters are in the right order.
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "Joni Mitchell