I overcompensate, and i've come to realize that it is due to jealousy. Jealousy, isn't necessarily just wanting what someone else has, but it is knowing that you are capable of having what someone else has, that you could be that guy. No one is jealous of superstars because they know that they can't be that guy, its just not possible, but it is easy to be jealous of the normal people around you, because it is easy to be, do or have what they have.
I overcompensate because i'm jealous of the people I surround myself with. I'm surrounded by clean cut people with religion in their lives, who come from families with both parents and their siblings are all doing pretty well, etc. They all think that I am one of them, because I overcompensate so much. I try to hard to be normal, but at the same time i'm so jealous of them all. I know, that with my personality and goals, dreams and work ethic, that I could be them, I could be normal, innocent, and ignorant of the things i've seen and experienced. I deserve to have a mom who isn't all strung out all the time, I deserve to have a dad who wasn't absent most of my life. I didn't deserve to be caught up in CSA at such a young age, I didn't deserve to have alcohol and drugs all around me growing up. I know my self worth, I know what I do and didn't deserve, but yet, life happens. I want to be normal so bad, to feel like I can be loved, to not be so scarred from the CSA and the gay bashing from my family during it, to feel like I have parental guidance, to have had someone to teach me how to be a man. I know that I could be that person, I have the mindset for it, but yet, I'll never experience it, and this makes me want to jump out of my skin because I get so jealous.
This leads me to overcompensate, to try to get what they have, because I know they have it and I can too. Then, what happens, when I see these people, these kids my age, have that family, have both parents, where they grow up normally, yet they piss it away, don't care about school or are irresponsible, I want to freak out even more, because what I want so bad, they just treat it like its nothing. I get so triggered when I see kids like this, because they don't care about that normalcy they have, that I want so bad, that I try so hard to have. I feel like I don't have a family, just siblings that I mentor, yet these kids do, and they don't seem to fully appreciate it. I've been in a jealous rage lately, and thought that if I just write my thoughts out, and connect the dots, that it would help me calm down.
Thanks for listening,