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#441513 - 07/20/13 07:13 PM Women are not sexual beings!
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
This notion has been my roadblock since i can remember.

Does anyone else have this feature?

When women have been attracted to me, it is unimaginable that their motives might be sexual. When i hear about female perps or female sex addicts it doesnt compute. I feel convinced that the female brain and psyche lack sexual desire. Or that what they call sexual desire is something totally different like just a general need to couple.

Why would a person be so incapable (unwilling) to appreciate that women are sexual beings?

We have the term same sex attraction. Is there also opposite sex "distraction"?

Anyone?

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#441526 - 07/20/13 09:05 PM Re: Women are not sexual beings! [Re: GoldStone]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
Right...this is profoundly embarrassing to admit, but up until I was 18 or so, I thought...uh...that my parents never had sex and that I was born...um...asexually. The idea that my mother, or any woman for that matter, had sexual impulses was just universes beyond me. That's changed now, but it's taken a long time...a lot of self-imposed cognitive therapy if you will. And the odd fling here and there I've had in the past few years have made it very clear to me that women are indeed sexual beings. I do think that believing women weren't sexual was a way for me to avoid or escape from the feelings of complete disgust that the realization of it and its implications would bring in terms of my relationship with my mother.
_________________________
Husky

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#441529 - 07/20/13 09:16 PM Re: Women are not sexual beings! [Re: GoldStone]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Yes, I suspect the same thing.

Her emotional needs were so massive that I felt physical proximity to her would just annihilate me.

becoming the object of her boundless need was terrifying.

I think i've completely shut down.

Luckily i'm married to a woman who takes her sexuality very lightly...doesn't throw it around and doesn't make demands. But when she's ready, just says so matter of factly.

And I do the same.

It works. I'm lucky.

But, how do I put this, when she comes, I'm happy for her, but I don't get at all the same kickback/satisfaction I used to get with men. I have trouble thinking of female orgasm as the deep and root level experience of a male one. I don't know.

Thanks for your input. Wise!

I remember I used to sleep in my mom's bed sometimes and then at one point when i was in elementary school she forbade it and explained that when a boy becomes a man, he can't sleep with women, even relatives. She said there can be sexual feelings and thats not good. I was already sexually aware, so I understood what she meant. I guess I should be grateful for the boundary she made, but it makes me wonder if there was something going on from her end.

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#443808 - 08/09/13 05:26 AM Re: Women are not sexual beings! [Re: GoldStone]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1530
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: GoldStone
This notion has been my roadblock since i can remember.
Why would a person be so incapable (unwilling) to appreciate that women are sexual beings?
We have the term same sex attraction. Is there also opposite sex "distraction"?

Theres nothing wrong with you Goldstone. Women cetainly are sexual beings, but their sexuality is so different from men's that they might as well be a different species! We are constantly stimulated by testosterone, and are so easily aroused by sights, sounds, smells, and those constant sexual thoughts, that we are prepared for sex at a moment's notice. Women on the other hand have a spike in estrogen levels when they are ovulating, so they become most interested in sex for the one week each month when they are most likely to become impregnated. Women often are most aroused when there is a bond of emotional intimacy, while men often see the connection between love and sex as optional. A nice idea, but not a neccesity.

There is an old saying that "Men give love to get sex, and women give sex to get love" From my experience, that is true. The woman who writhes and moans along with you in bed, is rarer than the one who lays there and waits for you to finish. Such is the mystery of love and sex.
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#443811 - 08/09/13 07:41 AM Re: Women are not sexual beings! [Re: GoldStone]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 719
Loc: Southeast USA
I think Jude has already touched on what I was going to say.

During adolescence, everybody seems to awkwardly fumble around the whole notion of sex--what constitutes sex, what kind of overtures are acceptable, what feelings are normal...etc. After what happened to me I was paradoxically afraid of the opposite sex. I was confused by the experience and confounded by what girls really wanted from me-if anything.

The virtuous creatures moved in great giggling packs casting imperious glances toward the boys at their feet. Amazingly so many of the boys played along with the ancient co-mingling of testosterone and estrogen. I just didn't get the whole game of trying to impress these girls. To be sure all of them weren't like that, but I couldn't see it at the time. Though the girls held the upper hand in early adolescence, I just couldn't see them as sexual beings. I certainly was sexual and I felt like a dirty interloper in their pristine world. Locker room talk aside, they were mysterious, alluring and scary to me. The whorish come hither looks never squared with the Madonna I discovered when I got closer.

What cleared things up for me was time and maturity---theirs and mine. In college I finally encountered girls (women?) who were confident enough sexually to take the lead to draw me in. It worked. Beautiful women could be confident, virtuous and all-out sexual beings. I needed and finally received that extra assurance that I wasn't the creepy perp making all the moves just to get sex. She was a willing 50/50 partner. The best news is that I've been married to one of these women for ten years. She's my rock in all of this.

Will



Edited by Suwanee (08/09/13 07:51 AM)
_________________________
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My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#443816 - 08/09/13 08:21 AM Re: Women are not sexual beings! [Re: GoldStone]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
I have to chime in here goldstone
My experience was about women and girls mostly from the beginning and I came to see just the opposite! I thought that ANY girl who sat by me on the bus or giggled at me wanted to get in my pants. no matter how I tried to find some assurance that wasn't true it happened enough early on to convince me otherwise girls seemed to be totally about sex always!. so to me aggressive women scare the hell out of me! even my wife can be too aggressive at times and it can freak me out which is a hard thing to deal with because I think I would like to have that at times, but when it happens sex becomes a dirty thing again and it messes up the whole business. I don't know if opposite sex distraction is the word but it is triggering and a pain in the neck
Jeff


Edited by newground (08/09/13 08:22 AM)
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#444187 - 08/13/13 09:24 AM Re: Women are not sexual beings! [Re: GoldStone]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Concerned husky and goldstone - right there on the same page with you. Incredibly needy mother who I now realize I was afraid would consume me through my sexuality. She clung to me emotionally, not my father, and my sexuality would have brought me potentially even closer to her and I was afraid of her taking that over too, all for her own benefit.

My abuse at the hands of men led me into a life of seeking pleasure with men sexually and avoiding dealing with sexuality with women until recently. I am putting down my sexual abuse driven sexual acting out with men and investigating my true sexuality and these exact issues are coming up for me. It has been a very hard road to travel but I see relief coming up amidst the grief and loss.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#444199 - 08/13/13 11:47 AM Re: Women are not sexual beings! [Re: GoldStone]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 729
Loc: United States
Daniel Bergner has written a book called "What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire" that summarizes the recent research in this area. It challenges myths about female sexual desire and seeks to break the cultural belief that women are looking for a good provider for their children and not sexual satisfaction just like men.

There is a good article in Salon with the author The truth about female desire: It's base, animalistic and ravenous. Our culture has narratives about male and female sexual desire that the research doesn't always agree with.

-efm
_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#444219 - 08/13/13 03:49 PM Re: Women are not sexual beings! [Re: concerned_husky]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3342
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: concerned_husky
Right...this is profoundly embarrassing to admit, but up until I was 18 or so, I thought...uh...that my parents never had sex and that I was born...um...asexually. The idea that my mother, or any woman for that matter, had sexual impulses was just universes beyond me.


this reminded me of something that happened way way back when i was only about 6 years old.
i knew what sex was, and i considered it a bad thing that made you feel good.
a taboo temptation.
i also knew where babies cam from, and how they were made.

but the two ideas were not connected in my mind,
until an 8 year old neighbour kid we all admired
(i still remember his name) told me that my mom
had sex with my dad.
i got insulted and called him a liar,
my mom would never do anything disgusting like that.
he pointed out that my conception and birth were proof enough.
i became overwhelmed with shame and anger,
when i suddenly realized it was true.

i snapped and attacked the messenger.
even though he was 2 years older and a lot bigger,
i jumped on top of him in front of everyone,
and pounded and pounded and pounded him into the ground,
as if that would erase the facts.
then i burst into tears and ran away.

i never looked at my mother the same again.
i could not conceive of her as a sexual being.
i felt like she had betrayed me by misrepresenting herself.
i have a hard time putting "mother" and "sexual intercourse" in the same thought or sentence, even now.
although today, i am completely cognizant of the simple logic that without "sexual intercourse" there can be no "mother", but it still bothers me.
the bible is helping me with that.

you can imagine the internal issues i have had to confront when my "sexual intercourse" partner became the "mother" of my children.
very confusing.

i have truly been blessed with a patient partner.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#446654 - 09/08/13 12:15 AM Re: Women are not sexual beings! [Re: GoldStone]
Anthony V Offline


Registered: 09/06/13
Posts: 19
Hi Goldstone,

I reread your original post but am not sure I fully understand it. The idea that women are not sexual beings has been your road block to what? What has that idea blocked you from?

Long ago I was terrified by the notion of women being sexual beings as it gave them (women) power in the one area where I lacked it most (sex). So, the idea of women being sexual beings was like kryptonite for me. I preferred to see them as non-sexual so I could remain in power. However, it became important for me to focus on my issue (overwhelming sense of powerlessness) rather try to 'gain' power by 'stealing' it from others (women).

Today, I not only see women as very sexual beings but also just as troubled/confused in the area of sex as me. I can often see how they are at times overwhelmed by their sexual urges. However, I still struggle with my personal feeling of powerlessness in the area of sex.

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