Newest Members
JimHouston42, GKB, MorganWut, myrlin, AaronS
12466 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dm13 (39), Jaso (34), liliana888 (43), Raju (32)
Who's Online
6 registered (AL-S, pete1973, Obi, 3 invisible), 22 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12466 Members
74 Forums
64021 Topics
446792 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#444156 - 08/12/13 11:42 PM Feeling disgusting
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 363
Loc: NY
When the very thought of being a man disgusts you.

I think this sums up what itís like to have your mother be the one who made your sexuality a dirty name. There have been some brave men on this site and in this forum. I am indebted to all of them. I can only say that now because the little boy who was so confused is starting to talk.

I realized today that this little boy could not even consider being in his body. Life for him has been walking on an electric wire tightrope. Too difficult to contemplate continuously and too scary to embrace reality.

Chronic abuse has a way of becoming so familiar that overcoming it is like peeling your own skin day by day. And yet each shedding brings a new calm.

And may I add, a new forgiveness. No matter how awful, disgusting, horrifying existence has become as I face this new information rising to the surface each day, I somehow understand that the only way this pain may have gotten here is by someone elseís pain not being resolved.

The body seeks the ground. As I work into the dirt of my own memory, I hug myself again and again. Thanks to everyone for allowing me this.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

Top
#444175 - 08/13/13 03:09 AM Re: Feeling disgusting [Re: focusedbody]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Originally Posted By: focusedbody
I somehow understand that the only way this pain may have gotten here is by someone elseís pain not being resolved.
Yeah, I get that. I dealt with severe body image issues until lately, thinking I was ugly, dirty, worthless and interestingly not my current age but decades younger. It was the rejection I felt at the hands of the female abuser and the group who used rivalry for my needs and sensitivity. I tried to become them and failed, thankfully. It was them, not me, who have become the victims of their own actions, self absorbed in destructive coping mechanisms while I have been fortunate enough to find this healing place and my supporters here and locally, forgiveness indeed.

A safe hug for you fellow survivor, from the thousands I have received here, a good feeling when we embrace recovery healing, good for you.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#444201 - 08/13/13 12:40 PM Re: Feeling disgusting [Re: focusedbody]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 601
FB,

I wish I had more things to say apart from simply, "I get it." Every point you make rings true and it is really painful to accept this reality. You put everything so eloquently into words and you also show me the path I need to take. Thank you for this post.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

Growing up isn't about losing innocence - it's about learning how to keep it in a cold and unforgiving world.

Top
#444205 - 08/13/13 01:16 PM Re: Feeling disgusting [Re: focusedbody]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 134
Loc: Planet Earth
I concur...

Top
#445266 - 08/23/13 03:13 PM . [Re: focusedbody]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

Top
#449857 - 10/11/13 02:07 PM . [Re: focusedbody]
JoeSmith Offline


Registered: 05/03/13
Posts: 129
.

Top
#449861 - 10/11/13 02:29 PM Re: Feeling disgusting [Re: focusedbody]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Ouch, missed this one completely originally but I agree. The disgust and genophobia and fear of any s/xual reaction, and the belief in my appearence as uggly is hard, heck, I even find it hard to examine myself in a mirror.

This is likely why I don't feel I'm a man, I'm just me, end of story. Of course this has advantages, I don't have to be or like or do anyting "because it's what men do" but equally I can't really imagine relating to a woman as any more than a friend.

Then again that's how I am. I accept my flawed perceptions ad know them for falsehoods, I even accept my genophobia and self disgust, it's how I am, and I can even live at peace with it. If I see myself in a mirror now and feel that "he's disgusting" I just think "oh there it is again" and move on. same with genophobia. Other people have alergies to nuts or soap or whatever, I am panicked and disgusted by s/x. Well that's how it is.

Top
#450015 - 10/13/13 12:02 AM Re: Feeling disgusting [Re: focusedbody]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 363
Loc: NY
Thanks everyone for your comments.

I recently found out from my mother what abuse she experienced in her own family of origin. I'm not sure yet what may come from this information, but it does help me get a picture of what may have contributed to my difficulty relating to her.

I am slowly trying to move from a tightrope of vigilance into a more conscious and accepting awareness.

I wish you all peace and growth in your healing process.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.