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#444137 - 08/12/13 08:45 PM And so it starts
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 156
Loc: Canada
And so it starts.
This was the title of my first blog. I started it just after my first therapy session. I simply started writing about what was going on with me, how I was feeling, what issues I was facing, or simply to rant.
Adam A Gedman, or a damaged man, this is how I see myself. I feel somewhat unique in that my rape, (and I mean rape, not a kinder gentler way of saying the same thing, like sexual assault, molestation, no it was rape) was at the hand of stranger, and occurred only once. Everything I have read thus far, from "Victims No Longer" to testimonials here and elsewhere, indicate more repeated ordeals over long periods of time for most, this is not my experience. I have and continue to minimize my ordeal in my mind as not that bad, or not as bad as others, and feel guilty because I cannot deal with it myself.I cannot fathom how difficult having had this happen more than once, let alone repeated multiple times, must have been or continues to be.
I am still unsure of my age at the time, but now at 47 yrs old, I can't hide from it anymore.
I have narrowed it down to somewhere around grade 3, which would have made me 8 or 9 years old.
I was a very independent child, my therapist says I lacked sufficient adult supervision. My parents were young, and I know I am making excuses for them, but they didn't know any better. I was up before they were, out of the house before they were up, and had made and eaten a television worthy breakfast, of juice, toast, cereal, milk and fruit.
My neighborhood was mine, everyone knew me, I was by all accounts a gregarious and friendly child, willing to help anyone who asked. This where I got myself into trouble.
Being independent, I was always going to the store for my parents, a carton of cigarettes, jug of milk or whatever.
One night while going for milk, I was approached by a man who said he needed help with his car, and it was just down the street. My dad had just got an old 57 Chevy and I had been helping him with it in our driveway. So ya, I could help with a car.
He led me down the street, and then another. I remember asking him where his car was, as we had been walking for quite a while. Just up ahead he said.
We reached a small park along the edge of the Scarborough bluffs. He said we should take a rest before going to his car. We sat down at the very back of the park on the grass, right along the edge of the bluffs. He began to touch my chest, under my shirt, then moved his hand just below waist of my pants. I asked him if he was a doctor, as my doctor is the only person who had touched me like that, he said "ya, something like that".
Then he rolled me over....I remember nothing else, until I could not breath. I was struggling trying to breath and couldn't because he had both hands covering my mouth and nose. I don't know how long it went on before this, 10 minutes, 10 seconds I don't know. My therapist suggests I may have disassociated during this time. I surmise that I must have been yelling or screaming, because when he took his hands away, he said "I guess you'll keep quiet now", this was an order not just a statement. I laid my head down, stayed quiet and noticed a light on in the upstairs of the house that bordered the park. I wondered why they weren't coming to help me.
I don't know how much longer it went on, but I remember seeing him walking away, pulling my pants up, and collecting the jug of milk, so I wouldn't get in trouble. I ran home, and went straight to the bathroom. I remember my parents asking me why I took so long.
I don't remember my reply.
I kept this secret for about a year. My best friend at the time had me sleep over, and I confessed this story to him at some point. Later that night after an argument he threatened to tell his mother about my secret. I begged him repeatedly not to, and he did not, but gave me a look to let me know he had this over me now. We weren't friends after that and I told no one else for a long time.
It took the better part of 15 years before I told anyone else. While watching hockey night in Canada, Sheldon Kennedy was on and speaking about his ordeal, and I blurted out something about it. My wife, then girlfriend, asked me what I meant I told her what I remember. Nothing came of that either, but now 10 plus years later, with my 25 yr old son in a terrible state of depression, it seemed hypocritical to tell him seeking help was right and beneficial, yet I hadn't done it myself.
I made an appointment with my family doctor, told her a readers digest version of my ordeal, and she referred me to my current therapist.
It's only been 7 months, and I can't say I feel any different, but hopefully I'm on my way.
I'm trying to divest myself of a lifetime of secrets, and my greatest hurdle so far is my wife. She reads my blog, which is for me to work out my feelings, and she challenges me on details pertaining to her. It is frustrating and I can't help but feel it was a mistake to tell her about it.
This is my story so far.
And so it starts.
_________________________
I am not my name, or my history, or the contents of my mind, I am the awareness behind of all this.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

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#444144 - 08/12/13 09:57 PM Re: And so it starts [Re: Adam A Gedman]
Rich1967 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 264
Loc: PA
Hey Adam,

Welcome. Glad you have a therapist and are working on recovery. It's a journey and after hiding it for so many years it may take some time to uncover all it's effects.

Does your wife read your posts here? You may want to tell her you need a place to process this stuff without her looking over your shoulder. My wife tries to be supportive, but she just can't totally understand my situation like others here can. I talk to her as much as I can about what's going on with me, but I usually bring stuff here or to my T before to process it first and then talk to her about it.

This place has a wealth of information and support. I hope you find it helpful for you.

Fellow survivor you are among friends here.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#444163 - 08/13/13 12:48 AM Re: And so it starts [Re: Adam A Gedman]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Adam,

It is very good that you have started to deal with the emotional aftereffects of the crime inflicted upon you. It is never too late. And hopefully, you will be able to provide a positive example to your son so that he can get the help he needs as well. Clinical depression is EXTREMELY treatable and if an attentive dad can assure him that the therapeutic process is just part of life, it will likely improve his outcomes as well as your own.

You do indeed sound like a very self-possessed and "kept-together" guy even from a young age; I'm not much good at fixing cars now, let alone at 8. Perhaps your longstanding independent nature and inner strength will be a resource that - guided by therapy - will help you heal more fully.

Like you, I was raped "just" once, and at the same age (8yo, 3rd grade). So I know the dissociation, I know the sense of being dragged into an alien place of pain and shock, where nothing about you matters, and how that can sit right in the middle of an otherwise normal life and.... bleed into and distort things around it, by a weight that you can only hold up for so long. You did the right thing by starting to get help. I've been at it for just under a year and can say that significant improvements in mindset and quality / enjoyment of life are totally possible and achievable.


And just to keep this from looking like an over the top rah-rah post.... I should say that you are right to disapprove of your wife reading your posts and personally I think any and all squabbles the two of you might have over what you write will only be a setback for you. Gotta be honest with you about that. I dealt with much the same from my wife. Long and painful story short - it was in everyone's best interest when she accepted boundaries and swore under the utmost of seriousness to never read here again. Therapy is supposed to be PRIVATE. Therapeutic resources are for YOU, not for other people. I urge you in the strongest possible terms to set right and proper understandings with your wife concerning what will and will not be accessible to her. You're at a stage now where being judged and second-guessed and having things brought back up at you when you're just starting to get past them, will really be an impediment to progress. Hope I didn't come off too strong on that point, but.... I've been there, and the difference once you can actually get some breathing space and know it's "safe" to talk is considerable.


That bastard should never have laid a hand on you, and you had both great luck and great strength to survive and build this much of a fulfilled life for yourself. Now it's time to really take care of yourself, address the fears and drain the poisons.

It can work. It can be done. And you've taken all the right steps so far.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#444165 - 08/13/13 01:09 AM Re: And so it starts [Re: Adam A Gedman]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
it's a terrible tale you tell, mr.gedman.

so similar to mine in many ways.

welcome to ms.org!
if it's one thing i have learned here,
it does not seem to matter how it happened,
or how many times, or how many perps.
whether it was a violent stranger,
trusted authority figure,
friendly neighbour,
or family member,
the damage is deep,
the soul is scarred.

the emotional/spiritual results seem to be almost the same in all SA survivors.
no need to exclude your own experience.

be glad you have come this far,
and i like the way you end it...

"and so it starts"
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#444333 - 08/14/13 08:42 PM Re: And so it starts [Re: Adam A Gedman]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 156
Loc: Canada
Rich, Matt and Victor
Thanks for reading and I appreciate your supportive comments.

It is tough to find Male relative material, and although I have come to understand this is more common than I was aware, the single incident scenario was absent from everything I had seen so far.

To the questions, as this was my first post(not likely my last), my wife has not read it or anything else here. I may tell her yet, but baby steps is my current mantra in that regard.
I cannot be too hard on her though, she has been there throughout and has been a tower of strength when I could not. She is my Goddess and has endured an awful lot from me over the years, and deserves more than the benefit of the doubt. Challenging was probably the wrong choice of words, and we discussed my blog and it's purpose last night. She offered to avoid it if that is what I need, and I will consider the offer.
I appreciate the rah-rah commentary, in truth, it's probably what I was looking for.
If I seem "together" don't be fooled. Just because I can craft good story (true story), bears no refection on my recovery. This is what is elusive to me.
I don't really know where I'm going or what I'm after in terms of recovery. Emotions, with the exception of anger, guilt and fear are foreign to me. Learning to identify other emotional states is what I believe my roadblock is.
I have made some big steps in a short time, so I'm told. I wrote a letter to my close group of friends explaining my situation, and they all to a man, were completely supportive. This was the closest I have come to actually crying, and haven't been that close since.
I may post the letter here, I had derived what I wanted to say from Mike Lew's Book Victims No Longer, and spent 3 weeks tweaking it. (a perfectionist at heart). The letter in the book helped get me there, so if it could help someone else I'm all for it.
Not sure if this is appropriate, or where it might go, as I am new to the site.
For the record, as an 8 year old, retrieving tools and holding flash lights was my experience in car repair. This qualified me right?
I have one question however. After just my second session, my therapist suggested group therapy and I shut that down pretty quick. Do any of you have experience in group? and what did you find helpful if so?




Edited by Adam A Gedman (08/14/13 08:44 PM)
_________________________
I am not my name, or my history, or the contents of my mind, I am the awareness behind of all this.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Top
#444334 - 08/14/13 08:55 PM Re: And so it starts [Re: Adam A Gedman]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Both my therapist and my psychiatrist VERY strongly recommended group therapy / support group settings. I was lucky enough to have one near my area. It was very powerful and very different from traditional therapy. My basic thoughts:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...0713#Post440713

2nd meeting is next week. I'll be there....
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#444335 - 08/14/13 09:01 PM Re: And so it starts [Re: Adam A Gedman]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Hi Adam. Welcome to MS.org. I have been away for a while. Work is killing me...perhaps literally. I am 54 and just a few years ago I started remembering stuff from when I was 12.

I found my way here because I had gotten involved in a ministry for those of us who want to overcome unwanted same sex attraction. As I read some of the stories on that site, I started feeling like I really didn't have much to talk about. I mean, sure, I dealt with SSA and all that. I also struggle with depression and thoughts of suicide, but in the end, I thought, what have I got to complain about. There were guys on the other site who had been through years of repeated sexual abuse.

So, I made that statement to a guy on the site one day. His response was simple - pain is pain. Whether something happened to you once or a million times, what matters is the pain you experience,and I am not talking about the physical pain. I am talking about the emotional trauma. So, if you are ever tempted to downplay what happened to you as an 8 year old, remember once is enough to kill a little boy's soul and you have every right to feel the same as any of us who went through something multiple times.

God bless buddy.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#444395 - 08/15/13 11:39 AM Re: And so it starts [Re: Adam A Gedman]
nomorevic Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/12
Posts: 39
Loc: North Carolina
Hello Adam and welcome to Male Survivor.

I am fairly new here myself but have found the guys here to be very supportive. I hope you too will find the support and healing here.

Respectfully,
NoMoreVic
_________________________
NMV

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#444462 - 08/16/13 01:09 AM Re: And so it starts [Re: Adam A Gedman]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Adam A Gedman
...I'm trying to divest myself of a lifetime of secrets, and my greatest hurdle so far is my wife....

Welcome Adam,

Divesting yourself of a lifetime of secrets. Thats a great way to start the road of recovery. Facing everything that happened, everything you've tried to do to cope with it, and all the feelings that go along with it all. Someone told me that the more you talk about it all, the less power it has over you. I believe thats true.

Like yours, my wife has not been very supportive, but I suggest you not consider her your "greatest hurtle". That title belongs to the pedophile who raped you. But I've learned (painfully) that wives often have difficulty relating to what we went through and how its affected us. And the fact that we kept it secret from them seems to offend them greatly.

Right now we have agreed to limit our discussion of my CSA and recovery. I have others to turn to for support there, and she just can't/doesn't want to, deal with it. I don't like that, but it is what it is. Besides this is my battle not hers. One I intend to win in the end.

Be well.
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#444505 - 08/16/13 04:21 PM Re: And so it starts [Re: Jim1104]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 156
Loc: Canada
Jim, thanks for your words. I have heard the words (pain is pain), yet am not there yet.
The stories of others have incredible impact on me, and old ways of thinking are hard to overcome.
I will however endure, and keep moving forward.
_________________________
I am not my name, or my history, or the contents of my mind, I am the awareness behind of all this.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

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#444506 - 08/16/13 04:23 PM Re: And so it starts [Re: nomorevic]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 156
Loc: Canada
Vic, thanks for commenting. The more responses I read, the more comfortable this place becomes.

Keep well
_________________________
I am not my name, or my history, or the contents of my mind, I am the awareness behind of all this.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Top
#444507 - 08/16/13 04:29 PM Re: And so it starts [Re: Adam A Gedman]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 156
Loc: Canada
Jude thanks for contributing.
I feel badly for implying my wife is not supportive, when the contrary is the truth. I need to stop sometimes and recognize and appreciate the many things she has and does do for my betterment.
You are right though, my wife/goddess is not my greatest hurdle, and I may have not even encounter that hurdle yet.

Keep well
_________________________
I am not my name, or my history, or the contents of my mind, I am the awareness behind of all this.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Top
#444560 - 08/17/13 03:59 PM Re: And so it starts [Re: Adam A Gedman]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1200
Adam A Gedman -

Your story is quite affecting, and I know you'll find some excellent support here. A few things pop out at me. Comparing traumas is sort of like comparing scrapes and injuries when you're twelve. It's not like one trauma is more worthy than another. They all affect us so differently. I could get stung by five bees a year for ten years and still be OK, while another person gets stung once in their life and dies. It's not the trauma but how we are wired to respond to it that is more significant, IMHO.

Also, I have found (true for me at least) that those who care the most can often be the least effective people to go to for support with this. That's why I like MS so much - having gone through CSA is such an isolating thing, and sometimes the shared experience of a stranger is more impacting and supportive than all the love of a spouse or domestic partner. People at MS invariably know more about my history and progress than even my partner, as weird as that sounds. It helps to work to understand that dynamic, because it is so counter-intuitive.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#444577 - 08/17/13 10:59 PM Re: And so it starts [Re: Chase Eric]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 156
Loc: Canada
Eric
I appreciate your observations. Maybe I just need to hear it/read it a dozen or so times to begin to believe it.
I am trying to develop ways of communicating without judgement. It is part of my study and practice of non-violent communication. Applying this to myself however is infinitely more difficult than with others.
I am trying so hard to rebuild her trust in me, after years of angry outbursts about nothing. I don't think I could leave her out of it entirely, but a balance is something I hope can be found.
It's only been few days on here, and I am grateful beyond words to have found MS.
_________________________
I am not my name, or my history, or the contents of my mind, I am the awareness behind of all this.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

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