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#443498 - 08/06/13 09:12 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
bluesky Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 129
Sven

Its very normal for all this to come up for you now its ok and its not off topic this is what we are here to help each other with. You where all ready conditioned to follow instructions it was not you fault.
Where here for you buddy and you are shining.
Thanks for sharing.
_________________________
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#443500 - 08/06/13 09:24 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 278
.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#443552 - 08/06/13 06:39 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 278
.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#443562 - 08/06/13 08:38 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 138
Loc: Cascadia
Everything you are sharing is very traumatic. The fact you are able to share, the fact you are trying to get out shows amazing strength. Even if you are having trouble seeing it right now.

There is nothing wrong with you. You have just been forced into terrible positions by people who should have cared for you without using you.

Its completely normal do have difficulties getting out of these relationships. The emotions are complex, and it can be very difficult to see the path you want to take. I understand this. I wish you didn't have to.

If sharing is helping you then please share. No one is here to judge you, and we only want the best for you. There are many people here with experience and wisdom for getting through this. There are many people here with experience and wisdom for getting through this.

Please know that you are not alone.
Please know that you are not the problem.
Sharing your story is helping me muddle through some of my own problems, so I thank you for that.
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

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#443564 - 08/06/13 09:46 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Dear Sven et al **Triggers**

There are several parts to your share and most of them are tragic and violations of your being and your soul.

First, thank you for joining us and sharing your story. It reminds of of our past and places it in stark view so we cannot call it punishment, our bad doing, our fault, or that we are so worthless that we deserve it.

So let me tell you, I have not met any individual who was sexually abused as a child who was not "talked into" being abused again. There is some discussion about how you cannot control yourself to return to your abuser and find yourself complying with his sexual needs/desires/perversions/violations. It is unfortunately what we do because our options are so limited.

You know what will happen. If you go you will be betrayed and violated. If you don't you will be guilt tripped and feel that you deserve some form of punishment.

I remember when I was 14 and a friend of the family was abusing me, I got so mad I punched him in the balls. He demonstrated such pain, I felt to guilty, I asked him to let me give him a blow job (at the time I didn't know it was called a blow job - so I really asked to suck him off). I felt sick about my self. I had finally fought back and then I "chose" to do sexual favors for him.

It isn't true. These are not really choices. We have been conditioned to perform this way. Although we know it is not an acceptable behavior, we do it anyway. Why? What I have learned through years of therapy is when the choices are so limited that it is only between negative alternative behavior, it is not a choice at all. It is selecting from bad alternatives. One day you choose guilt, another you choose to experience sexual release, on another you steel yourself or dissociate and go through the motions. All of these actions are unacceptable. As a person, much less a child, they cannot be condoned.

Instead we blame ourselves. We see these behaviors as proof we are worthless, unlovable, bad. The fact is for me, I already believed these lies, the sexual situation did prove anything.

I understand fully that you do not want to go through the trauma of disclosure and the potential to "punished and not believed." Put you father, your friend, the cop, your uncle, your cousin, etc. in jail or just ruin their life.

But just as you are telling us, you probably need to tell others. Find a hot line, you are anonymous. They will not trace your phone call or make you disclose what you don't want to. They may have some very useful suggestions for sources and resources for help, and can warn you how to disclose or without risking disclosure. (For example, if you tell a teacher the law requires them to report this.)

Finally, you are confusing the repetition of sexual conduct on others as a normal or evil experience. Simple fact one third of all individuals who are sexually abused as children will sexually abuse others. The idea that you are one of the third who does or one of the two-thirds who don't is just as "common place." Holding it against your cousin may be O K or using it to excuse your cousin may be O K. But the truth is simple. It is a bad behavior. Not to be supported. You know it is wrong, he knows it is wrong, and the child who is abused knows it is wrong.


Maybe this was helpful for you, maybe not. I hope it is useful but as you see there were a lot of issues you brought up for me.

We all have different stories and we all are just the same.

Go with God, in his mercy you will find peace.

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#443630 - 08/07/13 12:55 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
bluesky Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 129
Dear Sven
what ever you do, know that it is not your fault and you did nothing wrong. Know that there are people out there that will and are ready to help you get out of this sad situation. If going to the cops is some thin that is not siting with you then speak to a therapist call a rape hot line they can help you and guide you in the right direction especially if you dont feel safe which it sounds like. you do not have to wait a year or another day to get away from you abusers.
Sven I believe in you even though I dont know you you are like me human. You have the right to safety happiness and all that you want in life dont believe the lies of the abusers they just want to enslave and control use.
With an open heart.
_________________________
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#443648 - 08/07/13 03:39 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 278
.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#443683 - 08/07/13 10:09 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3608
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Sven,
I was watching this topic for some time and now wanna join in conversation.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. You see we are very complex and have couple of layers beside logic one so we could control ourselves and make our lives easier. It is not enough just to know or become aware of something to be able to make significant change. Otherwise we all could stop with some damaging and destructive behaviors upon we would find real nature of those. Unfortunately we can't stop drinking/drugs even we know it is bad, we can't stop risky sex even we could be scared for our health, we can't stop betting even we could have financial problems and so on.
Common thing is that many of us survivors have some such destructive habits that look out of control and completely driving our lives. It is compulsive and it is out of reach for our sane parts to control it.
It could be said that we have two sides: one is sane and completely in order and other one placed on opposite "wild" side.

Abuse crushed some part of us completely and destructive behavior could be seen as resonance of it.
It could be said that we are still in pain, we are still near our limits and it still hurt us. Pain so huge that is not bearable. So some of us find as coping mechanism for such traumatic scars to lost ourselves into something equally hurtful and near limits to give us same amount of high and to make us stop feeling that pain for short. I see it as sort of scream of our unconscious side that is stuck in the most frightening moment of abuse and looking for repeating similar situations in desperate tries to resolve left traumatic scars.
Unfortunately no matter on all real revelation would not come by it self and by doing something self-destructive.
As such inner battle is on going for long time it is not easy to stop it. It started in moment of despair when we were near our limits and that is also the reason why is so strong and memorized deeply. We are programmed to memorize something that was threatening for us. Actually those terrible moments when we were crushed and near our limits are preserved so much that become physical and could be triggered and brought back by some touch, smell, word, sound, anything that we sensed in those moments.

Healing from such traumas is long lasting task. We need safe environment in first place and secondly we need to want to change something.

You came here in search for change and that is something very important to knowledge. Keep listening that voice; it needs to be heard.

It is good to have you here with us. It is easier when we know that we are not alone.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#444110 - 08/12/13 02:24 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 278
.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#444174 - 08/13/13 03:05 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 278
.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
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