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#444011 - 08/11/13 09:59 AM I'm slipping.
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 169
Loc: Ohio
Last week my dad was being a fucking asshole to my brother and mom and me. I kept telling him to just drop it, drop it. But as usual he need to be right, he needs the last word. He ends up saying some seriously fucked up harsh things to my brother, saying he's a bitch cause he's in pain, cause he can't take his medicine (which my bro thinks the meds are what's causing his problems, but it's not, he's just going through tough times after being a druggy and having schitzo like problems) really I can't imagine his pain, but I know, I fucking know he's going through hell. And my dad calls him a bitch and he flips out. And I KNOW I sure as hell would of acted the same way, and I know I even have before, but my bro went off on my dad, and was speaking suicidally and shit. I was so sad for my bro cause I knew how he felt, my dad has done the same shit to me. They were yelling at eachother my bro really upset, it scared me but at the same time I was with my bro on this one. I wasn't even done eating dinner and I began to cry... I couldn't stand to hear my bro go through so much pain, I know what it's like... I felt so bad. He was so angry...

I just wanted to check out of what had just happened and I got drunk. I haven't drank that much for a long time, and what's worse is why I drank. I really got a problem... My idea was fuck the world, but in reality it was more like fuck me. Also ended up smoking a lot, which I had quit smoking for over a month. I wasn't counting my drinks like I normally do, but I think I had 8-10 drinks, which I stole from my dad.

Yesterday I did it again... I really think my problem is progressing. I had only one beer yesterday, well 24oz, and I couldn't stop there. My parents are gone and they left me just that cause I asked for it, so I started looking around and found some wine (which I hate) but drank it anyways. Ended up drinking like 3-4 more glasses and things are a little bit blurry. I was crying a lot and very very angry. I started shouting and yelling things, throwing stuff around and pounding on the ground. I hit my closet door so hard I smashed it off it's railing and broke the second rail behind it (sliding doors). Eventually I just passed out.

I mean, I'm glad I got some of that anger and emotion out cause it's been stuffed inside for a long time, but idk. I'm just so fucking angry all the time. I just want to smash things, break things, yell and shout for no specific reason.

I just don't feel stable at all. I mean yesterday I felt great, I woke up good had a good day learned some new things with graphics art and programming that I'd been working on for a long time. I was just pumped and everything listening to music dancing in my room and shit, then I think I'll have a beer and chill some more. And then I go to sad and crying for an hour to angry at everything and breaking shit and drinking more and more. I've told myself I gotta stop drinking hundreds of times, or at least control it, but I always do the same thing and feel like shit in the morning. I get horrible hangovers and tell myself I fucking hate this, I don't even know why I drink anymore. But I keep on doing it. Like I keep planning to stop, and I get it in my head I'm going to, but I just don't.

I seriously don't know what I'm going to do when I turn 21, I'm losing control, and the only control over my drinking right now is in the hands of my parents and the law. If I don't have either one of those things stopping me, idk if I can control my drinking. I really don't. I mean if I had my own bottle of rum yesterday I'd of probably drank half of it.

I think a big part of why I isolate and don't have a job, or do anything to forward my independence is because I'm afraid I'll get out of control. Right now I'm controlled, I mean I don't really have any control, other people or things keep me in check. If I'm independent nobody and nothing is stopping me from doing what I want or don't want, I mean that's what terrifies me. If I'm on my own, what the fuck will I do. I feel like I'll just go crazy. I'd have no reason to hold back any of my emotions and they'd all flow out and just idk, I know I'd handle it badly. Really fucking badly.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#444014 - 08/11/13 11:02 AM Re: I'm slipping. [Re: CloudyFalls]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
((CloudyFalls)))

Hang on fellow survivor, hang on. Being around strong emotional responses like those between your brother who is hurting and your father is overwhelming.

Don't stop the coping mechanism of drinking or isolating, that does not seem to work with survivors anymore than telling the good people of earth to stop using fossil fuels. Instead, find a path that eases the fear and resentment while you have a goal to decrease the use of coping mechanisms. Consider joining a support group to find healing, although the underlying drive for those is those experiences and abuse in the past, these can help to separate you from the overwhelming need.

Finally, be kind to yourself. When you make a mistake, when you slip it is not destruction, it is an obstacle. Find a way to overcome it. It takes time, patience and a healing internal way.

It is coming Cloudy, it really is.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#444030 - 08/11/13 01:42 PM Re: I'm slipping. [Re: CloudyFalls]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:48 PM)

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#444055 - 08/11/13 09:09 PM ! [Re: CloudyFalls]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:20 PM)

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#444090 - 08/12/13 09:31 AM Re: I'm slipping. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1562
Loc: New England
Hey CF,

I know all too well the tendency to self-medicate with alcohol, just to escape the feelings of everyday life, much less the past. I am 16 years sober with the help of AA. Too bad it took me so long to get there.

It IS possible to live, experience your feelings, and not drink. Don't give up.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#444097 - 08/12/13 11:25 AM Re: I'm slipping. [Re: CloudyFalls]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
hey CF
It helps me sometimes to remember that my feelings are great HUGE liars. that is to say I cant trust them at all! so many times I feel like things will never change but if I only look to see I know things are changing ( really slowly ) it is frustrating that it doesn't happen faster. you are a great man always have been the abuse never changed that it only hid it from you,and you will see it coming out in your life again man just hold on. it helped me too when I quit drinking to know that it was just another damn mask,just one more way to try to hide that pain and let myself feel normal for a time. the thing is though I was as normal as anyone there is really no definition for that you are as good as the best of them man and deserve to have any good thing that life can offer. the drinking holds us back from that it NEVER pushes us forward so go and get all taht is there man YOU DESERVE IT!
BE WELL
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#444132 - 08/12/13 07:35 PM Re: I'm slipping. [Re: CloudyFalls]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 169
Loc: Ohio
I don't know whats going on, I'm mixing klonopin with alchohol again, but even worse. I'm thinking about abusing my prescriptions. Luckily I only have a limited supply of klonopin, since I was cut off, but I took double my old dose, mixed with alchohol, now thinking about abusing my nuerontin. I'm not heading down a great path. Even with all the help I have, support group, therapists, nothing is helping, I'm getting worse. I'm fucking myself up, no good god damnit. How I could get like this I have no clue seeing what it did to my brother, I'm just Idk... I hear about people saying "Where did my life go" Well for me it's like where the fuck is my life. I have no goddamn fucking life, nothing. It's fucking rediculous I'm sick and fucking tired of it. I don't have much to lose, I'm slipping, but more like falling. I've talked about falling before but now I'm just pushing for it. How did I get to this, I mean damn. I don't know exactly why I'm doing it, but I guess its to do anything to escape, anything to do anything, just to fucking gahhh. FUCK. I'm losing any control I perceived I had that is all an illusion, what the fuck do I do. I'm so fucking angry and this is my only way to release it, on myself. Cause I don't wanna hurt anyone, but when I hurt myself it's okay, I only have to answer to myself. I'm spinning out of control. Jesus Christ...

I thought it was fuck the world, but really it's fuck my life, just FUCK my goddamn joke of a life, I want to fuck my life. Just fuck it FUCK it. Nothing fucking matters. I want to see if it can get any worse, because fuck me right. I lie to myself to say fuck the world, no I had full intention of fucking me. Swallowing those pills I just thought you know what, I don't even care what happens, a little here a little more there, maybe one day it'll kill me, but maybe I don't care and maybe that's what I want.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#444134 - 08/12/13 08:07 PM Re: I'm slipping. [Re: CloudyFalls]
toddop Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 224
Loc: California
Hey CloudyFalls,

I am so sorry about what is going on with you right now. I have asked myself those very same questions before. I have been in some serious low places lately too, but I really urge you to reach out and get some help.

I really think you should call a hotline and talk to someone, or call an emergency session with your T and get your meds stabilized, if that is an option.

Once alcohol mixes with meds, it is hard to predict what happens to you. The combo can do things to your moods that will spin you out of control.

We on this site care about you and think you are worth way more than you are feeling about yourself right now. You deserve a better deck of cards than you were dealt. And you deserve a better life going forward. You can make it through this present darkness and see the other side.

Please try to be gentle with yourself and get some help and assistance. If there is any safe way right now to direct your anger out, you should do it, something like punching pillows, or screaming your head off into a pillow. Don't direct it in. Nothing that has happened to you is your fault.

Wishing the best for you.

(((Cloudy Falls)))
_________________________
Todd

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

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#444135 - 08/12/13 08:11 PM Re: I'm slipping. [Re: CloudyFalls]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
As toddop mentioned, we DO certainly care about you, please get your immediate needs supported and let us know how you are, please?

We either "act it out" or "talk it out" fellow survivor. I am encouraged that you keep posting, sharing and talking it out. In the difficult times, we do some of both, but it is better than before and it is getting better, it just may not be as clear as it has been, this path forward. It will Cloudy, it will.

Keep sharing, we will support you. There is a race within you, the feelings and the sharing, the feelings have choked off the sharing thousands of times before, but not this time nor the last and that.., that is recovery!
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#444141 - 08/12/13 09:39 PM Re: I'm slipping. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 288
Loc: PA
Cloudy,

I have seen your recent posts and decided to go back and read many of your posts from the time you joined MS. I don't think there is anymore I can say to you than what has already been said - sorry.

I can add my new voice to the mix and say that as a fellow survivor I love you. If I lived near your I would want you to count me as one of your friends and I would do stuff with you during the week and not just Sundays. If I was in your group therapy sessions I would want you to know that I understand your feelings for your abuser as your best friend and that you are a good person worth loving for who you are and not for what you can provide.

I know what I say may not reach you. I remember those dark moments wanting to end it all. Feeling like no one loves me cares about me. BUT maybe, just maybe you will hear it and do what you need to survive for another day. If I and others here love you maybe you can love yourself enough to keep going.

Add me to your list of people that care about you and what to help.

I hope you find the courage to keep going and that you make it though the pain to a better place in your life.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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