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#443946 - 08/10/13 11:56 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jay1946 Offline

Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 118
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA

Your posts help me a lot. Specially the idea that I may not have felt pleasure (I can't recall), but I am sure I had a physical response.

I'm amazed, from all the responses, how closely linked csa is with internet porn addiction.


#444466 - 08/16/13 01:27 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1601
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Jay1946
I would like to ask anyone in this forum whether they think this incident of sexual molestation at a prepubescent age, could have triggered the sexual addiction in later life. Although I don't recall it now, I figure that I may have felt pleasure from the molestation and that memory may be what I am trying, compulsively, to reenact.

Welcome Jay,

Yes many of us have found that to be the case, and struggle continually with porn and MB addictions. Good for you in having the courage to face this. And don't get down on yourself. Many of us on MS are middle-aged men, dealing with the memory of, and the results of childhood sexual abuse for the first time in our lives. Keep working on this. Dont give up. You will see daylight eventually.

Be well.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#444481 - 08/16/13 11:29 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jay1946 Offline

Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 118
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Thank you Jude. I really appreciate your words.

#445412 - 08/25/13 11:32 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jay1946 Offline

Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 118
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
I've only been a member of this website for two weeks, but I wanted to thank the community for helping me find some of the pieces missing from the puzzle of my life, either from reading some of the posts, or from your answers to my posts. or from Books on sexual abuse you have recommended reading.

Some of the questions I've answered, already, are:
1) Why I developed an addiction to internet porn and other compulsions. Before, I couldn't figure out where this was coming from. It was so out of place with the rest of my personality.
2) Why the CSA has had a much more traumatic effect in my life than I initially thought when I first recollected the one incident I can remember. At first I didn't give it much importance, because I thought: "what effect can one childhood incident have on the rest of my life.?" Now, I know better.
3) Why my abuser chose me.
4) Why I didn't tell my parents about the abuse, right after it happened.
5) Why I was so cold to religion and spirituality in my young adulthood. My wife questioned whether to marry me when I proposed to her, because of this attitude.
6) Why when starting a 12 step program, I had so much difficulty doing Steps 2 and 3, which involve believing in, and trusting a "higher power". I just couldn't give over control of my life to God.
7) My sexuality: I feel 100% comfortable in a male identity and 100% of my sexual behavior has been and is heterosexual. Yet, same sex attraction is part of who I am. I accept it, but no longer worry or obsess about it. Thanks to the csa, it has only taken me fifty years to figure this out and come to terms with it!!!

There are still many questions that remain unanswered, and I don't know if I will ever find answers because I draw a complete blank on those aspects of the memory:
1) How did I feel immediately after the abuse?
2) How did I feel when I got home, and that first night?
3) How could I continue to see my abuser (a teacher at school) on a daily basis for many years thereafter? How did I feel about that?
4) Did he abuse other children in my school? if so, how many? Where some of those my childhood friends?
5) Where there other instances of CSA that I just can't recall?

My wife has been an amazing companion in this quest. Her questions have surprised me, because I hadn't thought of them myself. Without her company and support I would not have been able to embark on this journey.


#445616 - 08/27/13 06:45 PM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Rich1967 Offline

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 349
Loc: PA

Very cool to hear that you are making progress! I wish I had the guts to join sooner than I did, but I was just too afraid of other men and there are a lot of men at this site :-) I don't know if you will find the answers to your other questions, but based on my experience and what I've read here - you will keep finding answers while you are looking. Just maybe not to the questions you have or the answers you want to hear.

I like that your wife is supportive. I'm glad you have her.

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:

#445681 - 08/28/13 08:42 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
F.A. Offline

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
Great progress.
I have never thought of how I felt after the first abuse or that night.
I kept seeing my abuser because it was my cousin

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
My Story:

#481585 - 05/01/15 11:21 PM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Austin54 Offline

Registered: 03/14/15
Posts: 19
Loc: New Zealand
So Jay,

I just found this and was wondering if you have recalled any other events?

I would also meditate on your relationship with your own father and other male relatives. Were you two close, did you ever see him naked, and if so what was your reaction? Dominant mother without much affection? Anyway meditate on closeness and sexuality in early life- what factors dominated? In spite of abuse, I remained heterosexual in my thoughts until my father abused my mother in front of us kids- something snapped inside and I suddenly went from thinking of girls when MB to thinking of men- and instant change! I was determined inside to be completely different from him and this was how my psyche responded. But I became sexually attracted to him too, which makes me think it was a submission reaction to protect myself... my other two brothers did not react the same way, but then they did not have the sexual abuse I had faced early in life.

I too am trying to figure things out.

Abused by my father, I chose family and faith over a gay life. Married for 35 years and great sex at home, I am the head of a clan: 4 kids and 5 grands, but I am still attracted to men. The family needs me to be strong and supportive, but inside I am a 7-yr old child craving his father's love.

#481586 - 05/02/15 01:11 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jay1946]
Jay1946 Offline

Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 118
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Hi Austin:

I'll attempt to answer your questions to the best of my recollection.
1) I have not recalled any other incidents of abuse other than the one I've described.
2) I had a very difficult relationship with my father in my teenage years. I never saw him naked, but the thought of seeing him naked would have repulsed me. I do have a problem with self confidence and dealing with authoritarian personalities, and I believe these are legacies from my early faulty relationship with my Dad.
In my adult years, my Dad and I became very close. Specially after I married and had children, because he loved my wife and children very much. (He died in 1991). But this closeness did not resolve the issues I carried from earlier years.
3) Sex was a taboo subject in my childhood home.
4) I suffered of Emotional Incest from my mother in my early teenage years. My Dad got very busy in his business and would come home late. My mother relied on me a little too much for her emotional needs during these times. Nothing sexual. But, she was always a very loving mother, and still is.
5) I really have not been able to pin point the exact origins of my ssa. I think the combination of childhood sexual abuse (9 years old), emotional incest on my mother's part in my early teenage years, and estrangement from my Dad in the crucial teenage years may have done me in. Nevertheless, I consider myself blessed in that I fell in love with my wife and we have had a very loving relationship throughout our 35 years of marriage.


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