Newest Members
Jerone, teba, Serpenta, mojo, James M
12114 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
archie chisholm (61), Carlos418 (37), courtney (52), kurotake (55), lostsoul (63), Lukesgirl (28), michael banks (2014), Steffon (42)
Who's Online
1 registered (Jwmcd2), 64 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12114 Members
73 Forums
62510 Topics
438087 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#443775 - 08/08/13 07:23 PM Jake's Story--"Many TRIGGERS"
slsjake Offline


Registered: 08/06/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Tennessee
Hello Guys...I have tried this before, I am hopeful the timing is right now.

12-14 yrs old-me, molested by a male teacher--it could have been worse after reading other stories. I have now learned all about the "grooming" process..but didn't know it then. My passion was music--alto saxophone and Piano--He was a music teacher who offered "free" music lessons to my parents, first saxophone then piano. Nothing in life is free! (I hear anger in my own just written words). I was trusting, and even 43 years later, I trust few and only after they prove themselves. I was sexually naive, and now know things and have done things I shouldn't have. Thought I must be gay, then bi, then called myself straight because I love to date women. Just broke off a 4 yr dating relationship which had just become an engagement,because of my own inner demons and I believe hers as well.
I have been to the Adult bookstores. I have been and still am on Adult websites. I have parted from my church after 7 years. I am now shutting friends and family out of my life as I have in the past...I had hoped that was over. Lets throw it out there....I want this situation resolved. How can I be straight if I like to hook up with "dudes" but get engaged to the woman I thought was finally, the love I had waited all this time for?
Do you believe there is a difference in Sex and Love????
Why didn't I take up anonymous sex with women?

Okay--my story to date...as it continues to unfold.
Sorry. Jake

Top
#443780 - 08/08/13 08:40 PM Re: Jake's Story--"Many TRIGGERS" [Re: slsjake]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hi Jake,

The good news is that you're not alone in your need to unravel your sexual identity. Many others here are doing the same as they also work towards resolution of their other sexual abuse issues.

Ironically I came across something posted by another member earlier that might help you better understand your SSA (same sex attraction) or at least help you to not feel so alone with it.

It's important to note that Joe Kort, the therapist in the article, is also a member of Male Survivor and participates here in an advisory capacity.

You no longer need to navigate your CSA alone, you're among other survivors who understand and can empathize with your story and the feelings that trouble you. Hope you'll stick around and continue to discover more answers for yourself. Take things slowly and find your way around at a comfortable pace for you. No need to hurry, these issues didn't happen overnight nor will they be resolved in a day, it takes time.

Best wishes on your healing journey,

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#443783 - 08/08/13 09:20 PM Re: Jake's Story--"Many TRIGGERS" [Re: 1.healing]
slsjake Offline


Registered: 08/06/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Tennessee
thank you for the only response I have seen among the several who have read this. Not a derogatory comment toward those who read and did not post. I truly needed a response, or responses...Thank you. I am wondering if I should remove My story? frown

Top
#443785 - 08/08/13 09:35 PM Re: Jake's Story--"Many TRIGGERS" [Re: slsjake]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2972
Loc: O Kanada
first of all... welcome.
hope you find good help here.
wishing you well in your search.

i have isolated your questions.

Originally Posted By: slsjake
How can I be straight if I like to hook up with "dudes" but get engaged to the woman I thought was finally, the love I had waited all this time for?


Originally Posted By: slsjake
Do you believe there is a difference in Sex and Love????


Originally Posted By: slsjake
Why didn't I take up anonymous sex with women?


i don't think i can answer those questions.

but i will try.

i have been through those things you mention.
i got past all that by not wanting to do it.
i think it has to do with reliving the event repeatedly in the mind until it spills over into behaviour.
the compulsions and impulsive actions are difficult to control.
it takes time and effort, but it can be done.
i am living proof.

sex and love are two different things but can occur simultaneously.
real love has absolutely nothing to do with sex or pleasure.

the last question, only you can answer.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

Top
#443793 - 08/08/13 10:49 PM Re: Jake's Story--"Many TRIGGERS" [Re: victor-victim]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10946
Loc: Denver, CO
Hi Jake.

Sorry you need this place, but I'm glad you found it. Fellow musician here by the way - bass guitar.

Andy
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#443796 - 08/09/13 12:58 AM Re: Jake's Story--"Many TRIGGERS" [Re: slsjake]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hi Jake,

Good to hear from you. I hope you decide to stay and give us a chance, we're not perfect, but can often offer advice or help that's useful in some way.

And welcome to MS; as we say here "Sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us!"

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

Top
#443803 - 08/09/13 04:23 AM Re: Jake's Story--"Many TRIGGERS" [Re: slsjake]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 643
Loc: michigan
hey jake
so glad you have found us here, it seems a small comfort sometimes to be around those who understand but in the case of male csa it is EVERYTHING. at least to me it has been I felt so totally alone in the struggles with same sex feelings and especially as I am deeply involved in the church as well. the fact is the molestation does cause us to have a lot of sexual confusion at times especially in circumstances such as yours. you are not to be blamed for the acts of this cowardly bastard who used you and hurt you man it is NOT your fault you were the child he was the adult. the feelings you struggle with now can fade and whatever actions you may be taking can be brought under control Jake , there is hope I am working through these things after so many years and just beginning to understand some things I hope that you have someone to talk through it with and that you will find friendships here to help as well feel free to contact me to chat or whatever if you need to vent I know it is frustrating
heal well man
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

Top
#443876 - 08/09/13 08:58 PM Re: Jake's Story--"Many TRIGGERS" [Re: slsjake]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 264
Loc: PA
Originally Posted By: slsjake
thank you for the only response I have seen among the several who have read this. Not a derogatory comment toward those who read and did not post. I truly needed a response, or responses...Thank you. I am wondering if I should remove My story? frown


Jake - DON'T TAKE YOUR STORY DOWN! Many people/other guys read your story and it may help them to have the courage do what you did. It took great courage to post and to ask for help. You should be very proud of yourself! Besides, if you took it down I wouldn't get the opportunity to welcome you and tell you that I among many others here struggle with the same issues you have.

Love and sex definitely different, but for the longest time sex = love for me. Now I have love without sex and that's with a man or women! Love and sex with the person you care about most - marry them :-)

Never had the anonymous sex with men, but fantasized about it A LOT, but no one ever asked me :-( Where were you when I needed you...just kidding ;-) I did use same sex porn to make up for the real thing. For me I was looking to understand the abuse and to compensate for never really getting love from other guys when growing up. It destroyed my sense of self worth. No other guys like me so I must be a worthless guy.

Why did you not look for anonymous sex with women? As you recover you will find out. For me it wouldn't have met my needs and didn't for you either for some reason.

Don't go! Stay, listen and ask questions and if you don't have a therapist I would recommend you get one. I could not have done what I have so far without one.

I hope you find what you need and start your journey of recovery.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

Top
#444432 - 08/15/13 07:45 PM Re: Jake's Story--"Many TRIGGERS" [Re: Rich1967]
slsjake Offline


Registered: 08/06/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Tennessee
Hello Rich---

Would you please share more on your fastasy "stuff" you referenced in your email to me below. I don't want dirty details smile But why the fantasys...

I think my story may have hit home, but not to many willing to admit it. I have had married guys want to hook up. Single guys. Openly Gay Guys. At 40, I thought--If I am gay I am going to find out. I went out after several, after many beers, and found what I thought I had wanted. But I did not discover what I thought I would...I did not feel gay. It was just "sex". My experiences now range well past this one, but there is "no" love in these events. None! I don't want to walk down the street holding a man's hand. I don't want to marry a dude! I now just want to be happy. smile

The "hook up" I talk about, became and sometimes still, is acting out on my part....I get this urge I sometimes can't control and afterwards, wish I hadn't acted on the urge.

Thoughts please?
Thanks
Jake

Top
#444440 - 08/15/13 08:58 PM Re: Jake's Story--"Many TRIGGERS" [Re: slsjake]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 264
Loc: PA
For me I never felt accepted by other guys EXCEPT for when my stepfather wanted to "teach" me about sex. I never had a father figure that cared about me till then and who knows if I knew it was wrong. I was finally getting some attention and as sex goes it felt good. At 13 it didn't take much for it to feel good.

When it all ended and I was totally confused about my sexuality and still not accepted by my male peers I fantasized about other guys because it was a time when I felt loved. I did it because it turned me on and since it turned me on I thought I must be gay - right? The fantasizes were almost always about another guy wanting to have sex with me and working quite hard to gain my affection BECAUSE THEY LOVED ME.

I'm obviously relating this through my eyes now. At the time I didn't know what the F was going on with me. with my eyes now - I felt completely worthless as a guy. Why did no other guys like me except for one that was just for the sex? Even the fantasies were a bit warped because the way they loved me was through sex when really what I wanted was love. Was I gay, no. I had a body that was trained to be turned on by another guy and trained quite well I might add. A brain that thought love was only demonstrated through sex. These are not good tools for a man who identifies as straight and wants other men to love him so that he can feel like a worthwhile guy.

Does that help?
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, Publius, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.