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#443746 - 08/08/13 12:51 PM Hello I am new!
s156 Offline


Registered: 08/07/13
Posts: 4
Loc: CA
It has taken me a long time to join a forum as this. My story starts with a coach that decided since my mother and father were getting a divorce that it would be cool to take me on a trip out of town to brighten my life. My mother thought that would be a great idea, and delivered me to his door. When we arrived at our destination, the hotel, the person behind the desk said "I see you are back, your usual?" it was said in such a knowing and chilling manner, I will never forget it. When the door was opened I observed that there was only one bed. I felt troubled. I was taken to dinner, where the coach, drank great quantities of alcohol, go figure. Upon retiring to the room, he said he was going to take a shower, he left the door opened, and fondled himself openly. I could only stare, I felt like I was leaving my body, that I was floating above myself watching the events that started to transpire. He took me to the bed and cuddled with me at first, with just his boxers on. Things progressed and I was used by him the entire night and through the weekend. It was to be the start of the darkest year of my life. Upon leaving where we were staying, he had us stop by his parents church service to "pray" with them. Ironic. The threats began, to tell my parents what a bad person I was, that he might harm them if I told anyone. I was to visit him several times a week at his home, in the town we lived. I felt so helpless, so alone, and saddly, I felt I needed and deserved the attention he gave me. I came to enjoy our time together, my mind and body convinced that this was somehow right. Then he dumped me as I moved schools. I was left thinking all these horrible thoughts about myself, my sexuality, my aloneness. I found my saviour through alcohol and drugs that year, and never looked back. It is time to heal
_________________________
s156

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#443750 - 08/08/13 01:58 PM Re: Hello I am new! [Re: s156]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 786
Loc: michigan
hey s156
you are right it is time! you deserve wholeness and healing it was NOT your fault not matter how it may seem and you deserve all the good things you might imagine. you have a good place to begin here with men who have been there and understand. I hope that you will find a home here among friends and rest ... sounds like it has been a long time coming.
be well
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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#443772 - 08/08/13 07:12 PM Re: Hello I am new! [Re: s156]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3427
Loc: O Kanada
what a nightmare.
let me say, i am very glad you made it through that,
and have come so far as to join this community.

welcome, sincerely.

i really hope you get some of what you need here.
there is something for everyone at any stage of recovery.

and i do agree with you..

IT IS TIME TO HEAL!
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#443881 - 08/09/13 09:29 PM Re: Hello I am new! [Re: s156]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
s156,

I'm so sorry for what your coach did to you. You did deserve attention then, but NOT like what happened to you. You deserve the attention now to help you heal. I have found that positive attention here and I hope you do too.

My intense feelings of loneliness were some of the reasons I went to get help. I hope you now know you are NOT ALONE in these feelings.

You've made the first steps to start the healing process. Welcome and I hope you find what you need.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#443885 - 08/09/13 10:01 PM Re: Hello I am new! [Re: s156]
s156 Offline


Registered: 08/07/13
Posts: 4
Loc: CA
Loneliness took me to some dark scary places in my life. Early on. It had only been recently that I begin to have even a small feeling of maybe liking myself. He belittled me as well during the process, subtly, and then turn me towards him for support. All I can say now is ech! I know now I can't spend anymore time on the past. Time to focus on myself, my healing. Thank you for the support and words of encouragement.
_________________________
s156

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#443886 - 08/09/13 10:14 PM Re: Hello I am new! [Re: s156]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3427
Loc: O Kanada
while i am unpacking box after box of papers and sorting through them (which is exactly what i am doing these days), i find most of it is garbage. toss. toss.
but then i come across important documents, contracts, photographs, records, certificates, things worth keeping.
file for future reference.

this is what going through my memories is like.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#443894 - 08/09/13 11:16 PM Re: Hello I am new! [Re: s156]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Welcome s156!

My perpetrator also belittled me, projected as much negatism as he could manage, not very subtle. Had he been like your abuser, subtle, I think that might have been worse, that makes you question if what they're saying is what they're saying and that's more than a little crazy making; ech! is right. Sorry that happened to you. In therapy I was able to challenge and unlearn his damaging messages, you'll be able to also!

Glad that you've begun your healing journey, you no longer walk the path alone, nor in the haze of an earlier trail.

Gary / 1.healing


Edited by 1.healing (08/10/13 08:12 AM)
Edit Reason: grammer
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#443908 - 08/10/13 01:39 AM Re: Hello I am new! [Re: s156]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 76
Loc: southeast
Indeed, it is time to heal. You deserve hope and care for yourself. Take care and be patient with yourself and know that IT was not your fault and IT does not have to define who you are.
You are brave for beginning this process.

welcome

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#443948 - 08/10/13 12:00 PM Re: Hello I am new! [Re: s156]
slsjake Offline


Registered: 08/06/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Tennessee
s156---the moderators may start watching my posts...but only being new last week, I don't want anyone to go without responses from the beginning of your attempt to reach out. I have been done this road too long, and do not wish the same for you. My situation was a trusted teacher, who my parents thought was doing good by offering "free" music lessons. I first attempted to bury "knowing" what had happened, but that didn't work and in my opinion never does. I too went down the road of alcohol, not drugs though. Neither is an "answer"...they are only temporary relief I have found. I hope and pray this forum is the "answer" for all who join, including myself.
Jake

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#443952 - 08/10/13 12:18 PM Re: Hello I am new! [Re: s156]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 95
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Originally Posted By: s156
I felt like I was leaving my body, that I was floating above myself watching the events that started to transpire.


Wow...s156...that's EXACTLY what I recall of the moment when my abuser was molesting me. It's like if the child doesn't know what to make of the experience, and can't get away from his abuser, then he disassociates from what's happening.

What strikes me of your csa is the cynicism of the guy to take you to the same hotel he took his other victims, that he is well known by the desk clerks, and then takes you to church to pray. Wow! unbelievable!!!

Jay
_________________________
Jay

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