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#443537 - 08/06/13 03:48 PM seriously??
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
I thought I'd repost this as I didn't want to hijack the last post.


Here is a little tidbit of information for any addicts out there......if you lie or act out, your spouse isn't going to trust you. The lack of trust is your fault and no one elses. You chose the behavior that made you untrustworthy. You have no one to blame but yourself and you are not, I repeat NOT the victim in this scenario.

I hope this truth helps someone out there.....

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#443538 - 08/06/13 03:52 PM Re: seriously?? [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Oh and another truth for any addicts out there......you being an addict or acting out is all on you. there is no one to blame but yourself. You were doing this crap before you met us so whose fault was it then???

I seriously know of one addict who told him wife he acted out because she wasn't a good enough housekeeper.

Grow up and put on your big boy pants, please. This insanity is getting quite boring.

You and no one but you is responsible for your addictions, recovery or lack thereof, and the choices that you make.

Done venting. Thankk you for listening. wink

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#443540 - 08/06/13 04:21 PM Re: seriously?? [Re: lucylives]
black dove Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
(where's the like button?)
_________________________
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

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#443542 - 08/06/13 04:41 PM Re: seriously?? [Re: lucylives]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3362
Loc: O Kanada
i like to blame others for my behavior whenever i cannot control their behavior.
i blame others for my reaction to their stimulus.
i blame others to avoid using my own will power and self control.
i blame others to avoid accepting my own consequences of my own actions.

then i usually come to my senses sooner or later.
the truth does not go away when i refuse to believe in it.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#443547 - 08/06/13 05:28 PM Re: seriously?? [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Thanks dove. Your liking is appreciated.
Victork thanks for the insights and not taking my ventling personal.

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#443563 - 08/06/13 09:36 PM Re: seriously?? [Re: lucylives]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 416
Amen. Amen. Amen.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#443843 - 08/09/13 11:44 AM Re: seriously?? [Re: lucylives]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
So true, and it's amazing how manipulative a person can be when they want to hide from the truth.
I think a lot of the lying is intentional, but sometimes I wonder if H hasn't gotten so good a lying to himself that he believes some of his own lies.
I remember back when I started therapy there was a period when I had waves of realization of the truth. The truth of how poorly I had treated my family, and how much I had hurt them. They saw right through my lies the entire time. I thought that my lies protected them but really I was just trying to hide from myself.
There was I time when I really believed that I didn't need help and that everybody else had the problems, what dark days those where.
So now years later I look at H and wonder if that's how he justifies his dishonesty, and how much of it does he really see for what it is....lies.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#443867 - 08/09/13 06:26 PM Re: seriously?? [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Sometimes I think they do this deflecting as well as lying thing because if they really faced the truth, they wouldn't be able to handle the pain.

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#444117 - 08/12/13 04:12 PM Re: seriously?? [Re: lucylives]
Joy Offline


Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Maryland
Thank you for this breath of fresh air. It was JUST what I needed, just when I needed it!

Thank you also Victor, your candor was equally refreshing & helpful.
Joy

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#444607 - 08/18/13 03:40 PM Re: seriously?? [Re: lucylives]
Lenny Offline


Registered: 07/19/13
Posts: 20
Loc: Kansas
You are absolutely right. My wife told me yesterday that she feels bitter and negative towards me at times and she does not know what to do with her feelings. She does not want to feel this way towards me. I know I have created this situation by lying. What is the most frustrating thing is that now I lie to avoid conflict over small things that do not really matter. I hate that I lie to avoid conflict when the truth is that working through the conflict is so much better than lying. I want to work on accepting the truth that there will be times when I do things that she does not like and it is normal in relationships. Lying makes it worse. My wife is also triggered with these feelings when I tell the truth in same ways that I have used to lie. I am tired of lying, being overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. I want our relationship to heal. It is frustrating that the damage from lying can happen so quickly and the healing take so much more time. I am open you any feedback that you think will help me.
_________________________
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission
Don't take anything personally
It's not the event, it's the meaning applied to it

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#444810 - 08/20/13 04:35 PM Re: seriously?? [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 364
Lenny, you and your wife sound like our twins. He lies a lot of times out of fear of my reaction.

I always tell him when you tell me something, I may or may not react or respond in a way that you wanted AND I MAY OR MAY NOT LIKE IT but you can be DAMNED WELL SURE THAT IF YOU LIE I WILL ALWAYS REACT IN A NEGATIVE AND VERY BAD WAY AND I WILL NEVER LIKE IT. You have about a 50/50 chance of getting the response that you want when you are truthful but you have a 100% chance of having a very bad reaction when you lie. It just is what it is. Not only that but every lie, big or small, drives us further away from EVER trushing you.

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