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#443508 - 08/06/13 12:02 PM Is this normal? feedback please
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 254
Loc: us
I'm not sure what is going on with me. I'm hoping that some of the other partners or survivors have maybe going through what I'm going through right now. I don't know exactly what happened but I'm seeing my husband different;y than I used to. I still love him but right now I don't like him.
I used to see him as this interesting deep creative person who was trapped inside all the fear and pain left by CSA and emotional neglect. He is very critical of me at times and in the past I would try not to take it personally but it would still hurt. Last night I pushed him to talk to me about why he is so upset with me. I really expected him to have rational reasons for feeling hurt. I thought maybe I did or said things that were mean without realizing it. Nope it was pretty much a bunch a petty stupid crap that was blown way out of proportion and a lot of it didn't even have to do with him. One example is that he didn't agree with the way I choose to heal my ankle after an injury. WTF. There are more but I'll spare you all from having to hear about it.
I found myself not feeling sad after but just feeling annoyed and thinking that he is the biggest baby in the whole world. He spins everything and looked for reasons that he is a victim. I'm really not feeling sad for him, I'm just feeling like he is an idiot. Maybe I'm just fed up with his crap right now I don't know. His need to be upset over ridiculous crap is really getting old. He's 27 and refuses to grow up and doesn't understand why he can't go play with his friends whenever he wants.
I know I shouldn't be mean to him and that telling him what a spoiled brat he is won't help. I'm starting to think that maybe he just isn't that interesting and deep after all. Maybe he is just a giant shallow puddle that wants to feel sorry for himself all the time.
It kind of feels nice to not care if I make him mad because I have realized that he is going to find something to be mad about no matter what. But I know it's not good to think your husband is a selfish moron.
I'm not saying I want to leave him or anything like that. I've just never felt like this before. I've never looked at him and thought "you're a spoiled brat" and wanted to just leave the room. It freaks me out a little. Is this normal for partners to go through times like this? Does it last a long time? I'm thinking I'm just going to take this time to work on my art projects because if I'm around him I think I might say something mean. Advice please!
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#443514 - 08/06/13 01:04 PM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I think you are finally seeing what is there rather than what you wanted to see.

Hey, we have issues.

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#443536 - 08/06/13 03:44 PM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 358
I think that is deflection. He doesn't want to see his own shit so he tries to find problems and issues with you. that keeps him from looking at his own stuff.

Here is a good one for you HD....my husband blames the fact that I don't trust him as a major problem in our relationship and keeps him from being happy. Hello? I just busted him last week acting out on the computer. I am supposed to trust him after that. We have had 3 years of this shit. If he can go 6 months without lying, I may trust him otherwise I would be fool.

Here is a little tidbit of information for any addicts out there......if you lie or act out, your spouse isn't going to trust you. The lack of trust is your fault and no one elses. You chose the behavior that made you untrustworthy. You have no one to blame but yourself and you are not, I repeat NOT the victim in this scenario.

I seriously laughed in his face but then I got angry because it scared me that after all this therapy, meetings and treatment he is still the VICTIM! Time to put on your big boy pants and grow up and take some responsibility for your problems. I swear I almost through a fresh grown tomato at his head. smile

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#443541 - 08/06/13 04:34 PM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
black dove Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
Candu, thanks for pointing out the sanity in the storm. I have definitely idolized my husband in the past only to have the crashing (and almost unbearable) reality drive into my living room and mow me down. None of the stuff I believed was true. Instead I love a deeply wounded soul who cannot tell the difference between shame and discernment. It's a mess.

So, what to do? I am very clear that I have the choice to stay or to leave. Some days I think about leaving. Some days I just want to crawl under the covers and leave him to his first love, the television. Other days I realize how well he has treated me, even while he was stabbing me in the back with infidelity. On a rare day, I can even remember that it's called "acting out" (though the solace is cheap, for sure)

I'm kind of new here, but I've read it can get better. I'm starting to realize, though, that it can only get as good as he is willing to grow (if I am too). Is he willing? That is the million dollar question.
_________________________
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

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#443565 - 08/06/13 09:48 PM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
It's distorted thinking. We all have it to some degree, damaged psyches have it to the nth degree. My only solace is to not feed the insanity. I take what my husband says to me at face value. I really listen to him. Then I start asking questions. You can't do this if you are upset or angry. Your motive has to be right. My motive is to see if I really understand where he is coming from. It's important to me that I do. When he's in full on pyscho mode (and every description shared in above modes is what I would define as psycho mode) I can't see it. I really try, but I'm not damaged like that so I can't see it. My world view looks nothing like his. Some months ago, my husband told me that if I left, I WE would have to tell the kids that it was my choice. That's kind of true. I was asking to leave. It was my choice. But he didn't feel like his infidelity was a part of the equation. He didn't feel like squandering every single dime we had and endangering our future factored in either. He even went so far as to say that he was positive any therapist would agree with him. I asked him had I ever (EVER!) mentioned divorce before I knew of infidelity (financial or sexual)? Silence. I suggested that this was actually an excellent scenario to bring to the therapist. Because only a person with distorted thinking believes that his cheating and quasi stealing from the family is not a reason to "choose" to leave. My advice is to not get angry. You KNOW your husband has whacked thinking (mine does). Repeat to yourself, I am not crazy, I am not crazy (unless you are crazy, then disregard that last bit of advice) but seriously, they have very damaged perception. I'm inevitably horrified on the rare occassion that my husband shares how he really sees things. So he believes for the last 13 years, I've been working against him. I don't want him to succeed. Let's see, I moved for you 4 times. I quit my job to raise our kids all the while rooting for his failure (because that makes sense with only his income). It's so bizarre I can't even get angry. I stay perplexed. When I talk to him now, I don't tell him how I want him to feel or think about something, I just beg for him to act a certain way. So ACT like you would if you believed I were on your side and rooting FOR you. There are many frightning things about loving a man who suffered this trauma, but honestly, this thinking scares me more than anything. As a man thinketh, so he does....
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#443573 - 08/06/13 10:50 PM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I do agree with Candu that there comes a day when we actually see the person rather than what we wanted to see. This is a pretty big step forward I would say, even though it feels pretty bad some days. This may actually be the base for some real initiation of boundaries.

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#443585 - 08/07/13 12:09 AM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Hi HD

I don't usually read friends and family and I think this is the first or second time I am posting here.

I understand what you say. The idea that you have avoided the truth about your husband probably has merit. The tauma takes its toll.

I lie, don't know if I will ever be totally honest. I had 4 one night stands during my 25 years of marraige. So I failed at fidelity, God knows I tried.

I had a variety of understandings and agreements with my wife. However, whether they were upheld or not didn't stop me from being hurt, paranoid, and fearful. It has taken more than a decade of psychotherapy and a decade of cognitive behavioral therapy, to acknowledge that I am paranoid, and that my fears are delusional.

Did I get honest when my wife asked why I was pissed at her, I quickly learned that answering the question just gave me an opportunity to hear her defenses. So maybe you are indeed the innocent victim. That he is a spoiled brat and you are without any sin. I hope that is true and not a distortion.

Two years after my wife threw me out of the house, she discovered I was not the only source of messiness in the house. I can go down a list of the promises she fail to keep and I am certain she could go down a list of the promises I failed to keep. After 4 kids, 25 years, and being sober for 3 years (I don't know if she ever got sober) She didn't find it to be worth it.

So as we say lol.

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#443641 - 08/07/13 02:27 PM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 254
Loc: us

I agree that I am seeing things more as they are and less how I wish they were. I feel sad for the my time I spent not seeing things clearly but I feel liberated from the illusion.
Yes I am not blameless. I have no doubt that I have done things that have hurt husband but if he won't get real with me and tell me what they are I can't do anything about it. My husband grew up with money and a Mother who let him do whatever he wanted. I think his struggle into adulthood has a lot to do with that and it just complicated by his CSA. I'm very grateful that while I am lonely in my relationship I am in a good place in myself.
Strangely seeing my husband as he is makes me less angry with him. It makes me less preoccupied with how he is doing. He isn't seeing things in a reasonable light and so there really isn't any point engaging him. This will save me a lot of headache. I'm bummed out that he let's fear control his life but happy that it's not controlling mine. I always thought he was stronger than that but maybe he isn't. That sucks for him. This is mixed bag of emotions for sure, but I agree that this progress.
Maybe they fall in love with us because we put failed to see their flaws, it would makes sense because they don't want to see them either.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#443666 - 08/07/13 07:44 PM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
black dove Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
"Maybe they fall in love with us because we put failed to see their flaws, it would makes sense because they don't want to see them either."

Wow, HD, You said a mouthful there! You've just described my relationship for almost ten years. It is surreal to me now to see that what made our relationship "work" so well was me projecting love and light, honor and respect onto my husband and somehow assuming that it was being mirrored back to me. When I found out the truth and the depth of deception, I had a psychic meltdown into relationship trauma that was so complete that I'm still taking Inderal to slow my heart down and help me deal with the hyperarousal.

And now, after almost three years of coming into full acceptance that he doesn't "relate" to me (or anyone else) I'm starting to understand what compartmental lengths he will go to to preserve the identity he's mapped on top of his shame and fear of rejection. My heart and mind are contorted from trying to make sense of his reality. I love him, but like you I am pondering the illusion and recognizing the paucity of character and/or connection. He seriously wishes we could go back to those days when I idolized him - but that's unlikely, at least at this point anyway.

Oh, and Genedebs, thanks for you candor! I would be ecstatic if my husband could self-reflect and communicate the way you and so many other survivors do in this amazing place.

_________________________


Edited by black dove (08/07/13 08:01 PM)
_________________________
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

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#443678 - 08/07/13 09:08 PM Re: Is this normal? feedback please [Re: HD001]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
"Maybe they fall in love with us because we put failed to see their flaws,"

I have to say that you ladies give me hope. I didn't think that anyone could be so blind until I found this site. I couldn't believe how many guys here had wives/partners. I have been alone all this time and now I see that there was no reason for it. You are more delusional than we are.

Sorry but I'm just having a bit of fun with you. grin But other than the blind/delusional part there is a lot of truth in the above. If you are new here you probably haven't seen some of my earlier posts. I didn't think that anyone would want to be involved with me so I have been alone for the past 25 years. blush I have been here for just a little more than a year and have mainly spent my time in F&F. I have learned so much from you the women who post here. I hope one day I will have someone care for me as you have for your man. I think you all are wonderful.


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