Dear Sven et al **Triggers**
There are several parts to your share and most of them are tragic and violations of your being and your soul.
First, thank you for joining us and sharing your story. It reminds of of our past and places it in stark view so we cannot call it punishment, our bad doing, our fault, or that we are so worthless that we deserve it.
So let me tell you, I have not met any individual who was sexually abused as a child who was not "talked into" being abused again. There is some discussion about how you cannot control yourself to return to your abuser and find yourself complying with his sexual needs/desires/perversions/violations. It is unfortunately what we do because our options are so limited.
You know what will happen. If you go you will be betrayed and violated. If you don't you will be guilt tripped and feel that you deserve some form of punishment.
I remember when I was 14 and a friend of the family was abusing me, I got so mad I punched him in the balls. He demonstrated such pain, I felt to guilty, I asked him to let me give him a blow job (at the time I didn't know it was called a blow job - so I really asked to suck him off). I felt sick about my self. I had finally fought back and then I "chose" to do sexual favors for him.
It isn't true. These are not really choices. We have been conditioned to perform this way. Although we know it is not an acceptable behavior, we do it anyway. Why? What I have learned through years of therapy is when the choices are so limited that it is only between negative alternative behavior, it is not a choice at all. It is selecting from bad alternatives. One day you choose guilt, another you choose to experience sexual release, on another you steel yourself or dissociate and go through the motions. All of these actions are unacceptable. As a person, much less a child, they cannot be condoned.
Instead we blame ourselves. We see these behaviors as proof we are worthless, unlovable, bad. The fact is for me, I already believed these lies, the sexual situation did prove anything.
I understand fully that you do not want to go through the trauma of disclosure and the potential to "punished and not believed." Put you father, your friend, the cop, your uncle, your cousin, etc. in jail or just ruin their life.
But just as you are telling us, you probably need to tell others. Find a hot line, you are anonymous. They will not trace your phone call or make you disclose what you don't want to. They may have some very useful suggestions for sources and resources for help, and can warn you how to disclose or without risking disclosure. (For example, if you tell a teacher the law requires them to report this.)
Finally, you are confusing the repetition of sexual conduct on others as a normal or evil experience. Simple fact one third of all individuals who are sexually abused as children will sexually abuse others. The idea that you are one of the third who does or one of the two-thirds who don't is just as "common place." Holding it against your cousin may be O K or using it to excuse your cousin may be O K. But the truth is simple. It is a bad behavior. Not to be supported. You know it is wrong, he knows it is wrong, and the child who is abused knows it is wrong.
Maybe this was helpful for you, maybe not. I hope it is useful but as you see there were a lot of issues you brought up for me.
We all have different stories and we all are just the same.
Go with God, in his mercy you will find peace.