I can't quite put my finger on it, as in when the shift began in me. I guess looking back over the years it didn't take much to get a reaction out of me. Whether it was being the class clown or riding in on my dazzling white charger to deal justice and right the wrong, there were many faces to Scott. I have been given a chance to heal, and hopefully the real Scott will at last emerge and not live a life of fear and shame.
I bear all the earmarks of an MSA Survivor who has just had the light turned on. Please bear with me a I get the negative stuff out of the way so I can deal with the positive elements.
I left an incredible path of destruction in my wake. Long history of drug and alcohol abuse. Divorced and a broken relationship with my Son. He has given up, changed his last name and moved on. I'm a virtual poster boy for all the characteristics that some of us have or had.
For as long as I can remember I always felt like I was the odd man out. I had a huge inferiority complex. I learned to manipulate people either against each other or themselves to get what I wanted. Terrible habits and traits manifested themselves from about 13 years old and onward. I felt a certain social disconnect from most people. This grew exponentially in adulthood and I learned to insulate and isolate myself in an alcohol fuelled fantasy world, where my wife was gorgeous, and I lived in a mansion. My mansion was my 1 car garage, and I chose to ignore the beautiful woman who gave me a beautiful son.
Angrier than ever a bitter divorce ensued where I lost more than just material things. I lost things you can't put a price on just like everyone else. Thinking booze and drugs were the root of the problem I vowed never to do them again. Somehow, someway I have managed to stay sober for 5 years thinking life was going to get better. It didn't, it got much worse and darker. I lost my Mother on Dec.30th 2012. Shortly afterwards a relative confessed to sexually abusing me as a child. Too much guilt surrounding my Mother's death for the person to deal with. Forgiveness was given almost immediately (no idea how I did that, must have come from God) because I could not remember it. I couldn't understand why I would be told now. Work started to suffer again and my company got me set up with the therapist, again.... I cried the usual typical blues, I'm lonely. When does it end ? Life is unfair blah blah blah.....Why did I have to get sexually abused ? blah bla bl b... And that is when when the Therapist said 'Excuse me ? What did you just say'? Even then I couldn't connect the dots. After explaining why the Therapist didn't know until about 2 months ago she immediately began to lay it all out or me.
I didn't ask for it to happen, and I didn't deserve it. I was a little boy. My brain and it's wiring / mapping were changed not by my own choice but to deal with it. The divorce now occupies the same real estate the abuse does in my brain. It was that traumatic. It was good to have the real reason for who, what and why I am the way that I am finally exposed. I have been placed on an iceberg. Not to be shown the true destructive power of it, but for something else. To realize the 10 % I am actually standing on is actually hiding the other 90% underneath a stormy sea that is beginning to calm. This is where the real work begins. Finally, after all these years the crying little boy inside me who felt abandoned by his parents and society, has been given the attention he so desperately sought for so many years. The man he became will be the one who turns around now and picks up the little boy. That is probably why God allowed me to stay sober. To be in the right frame of mind when the little boy was finally shown.
God grant me the strength to carry on and begin the healing process. And thanks to him for not giving up on the man.
ANCORA IMPARO - I AM STILL LEARNING
HAUD PATIAR ME VINCERE - THEY WILL NOT BE VICTORIOUS OVER ME