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#443120 - 08/03/13 05:56 AM re-introduction
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 140
Loc: Cascadia
I introduced myself to this site, made a few posts then freaked out. Then I tried to delete my account but couldn't and freaked out some more. Now, a few weeks later, I am back. Hello. *sheepish smile*

I recently, and rather awkwardly, split ways with my counselor and really need somewhere to vent my emotional troubles.

I was abused sexually from about the age 12+, but have recently been thinking about the state of neglect I was in before that. Being alone is the worst thing I can remember. No one was there, I experiment with psuedo-suicidal behavior without knowing what it really was. It hurt more than physical pain, and those are the scares the plague me now (as much as the things I did post abuse).

I was a very mean person for many years after my initial abuse. I think that this post abuse aggression justifies the abuse. It deems me worthy of that treatment. I was proven shit by the way I reacted. This argument is temporally problematic, but it is the argument I have internalized.

I was talking to a sociopathic friend of mine, and after(and during) that period of abuse I really morphed into something like his sociopathic state. At least I split myself up, and some one of me reflected sociopathy.

One of me is violent, he joined the infantry. One of me is weak and feeds of negative attention, he continually got raped . One of me is logical and just wants to work on math problems. One of me hates people and wants to be left alone. One of me is super excited and always wants to be around people. Some of these may be the same person. Maybe they all form different combinations to form different facets of me.

Basically I am in a high school like identity crises. It is related to abuse, but everything is. Since I recently had a falling out with my therapist, I need to replicate the positives of therapy somewhere. Maybe here will be that place. I need a place.

Maybe my problems are shallow. I worry they are. I worry they are affected. I don't know what is a mask and what is true. I need someone to rant at and offer what advice they have.

with Love,



-Cthulhu


Edited by Cthulhu (12/31/13 12:08 AM)
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

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#443136 - 08/03/13 12:08 PM Re: re-introduction [Re: Cthulhu]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 140
Loc: Cascadia
Fuck, why does drunk me make more sense than sober me?
*sigh of resignation*
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

Top
#443141 - 08/03/13 01:12 PM Re: re-introduction [Re: Cthulhu]
peacemaker67 Offline


Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 45
Loc: WI
Vote,

everything you experience is completely "normal" in the realm of an "abused". Your problems are not shallow, but just the opposite. You need to be validated, that you know what you are experiencing is painful. That pain is causing you to be who you think those other people are. It is the little boy inside you who was never loved the right way and was neglected.
Well, you are loved, simply loved. I truly hope you find confidence to stay here and find a path to healing. I think you are brave and I am proud of your decision to step in here and see what is going on. Truly, that is greatness.
Glad to meet you, and with a heart that understands.
peacemaker67 (Steve)
*There are good books to help support our need for change and growth. "The Wounded Heart" is one I like.


Edited by peacemaker67 (08/03/13 01:13 PM)
Edit Reason: add recommendation
_________________________
-Love is love when it is free; love is love when others don't feed on you as a "need". If we reach one person with betterment, and in turn that one reaches another, what power we have to change the world."

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#443258 - 08/04/13 05:35 PM Re: re-introduction [Re: Cthulhu]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3617
Loc: O Kanada
welcome, back. votecthulhu.

your description sounds so accurate, i swear you know me.
oh... you were talking about yourself. wink

anyway, glad you came back.

i come and go many times.

that's the beauty of this website.

we come and go as we please.

safe.

i am always grateful when the website is still here when i return.

"The most merciful thing in the world... is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents."
"The process of delving into the black abyss is to me the keenest form of fascination."
-H.P.Lovecraft
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#443354 - 08/05/13 10:50 AM Re: re-introduction [Re: Cthulhu]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 140
Loc: Cascadia
VV - I now have a signature block. Thank for that first of all!

I always find it very amazing - my depression makes me think I am unique and thus alone, but any sort of personal epiphany I have had has been shared by others. My experiences are, thankfully, not unique, and I am not alone.
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

Top
#443357 - 08/05/13 11:13 AM Re: re-introduction [Re: Cthulhu]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Vote,

Welcome. Totally relate to the freaking out for being here. I looked in a year ago and said NO WAY. After a year of therapy I came back and signed up this time. Still freaked out after posting my intro and story, but it was and still is something I would do all over again.

I saw what you wrote on Sven's post. Man I cried so much last year when I realized how much of my life was affected by the abuse. I still cry when I read so of these stories, but it does help to know that I'm not a lone and neither are you now. I like being able to feel again.

Can you find another T? Having one is so important I think, but if you don't like them, or they aren't working for you then it's probably best to move on. In the book Nice to Meet Me he moved on from his first T to another one. It was the right move. The first one helped, but the second one was who he needed.

You can PM me whenever you want to talk.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#443460 - 08/06/13 12:56 AM Re: re-introduction [Re: Cthulhu]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 140
Loc: Cascadia
I've seen a psych and 3 therapists. The Psych was determined that i must be a pedophile. The first T was way too intense so I go way to drunk after each meeting, 2nd T said I was fine after I described panic attacks. The most recent one just got way to personal. I mean, it looked like he was going to cry at times.

I am thinking of trying some group therapy in the fall but am more likely going to save my time and money.
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

Top
#443468 - 08/06/13 02:03 AM Re: re-introduction [Re: Cthulhu]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3617
Loc: O Kanada
therapists are just people.
they come and go in life.
the search for self continues.
with or without therapy.

the good news is...
you are here.

there is lots to read.
excellent material.
i spend hours in the poetry section alone.
no matter what mood i find myself in,
there is something here to match it.
it is comforting.

maybe this website and the many viewpoints expressed by the members will give you some insight into your inside.

i wish you well.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#443883 - 08/09/13 09:42 PM Re: re-introduction [Re: Cthulhu]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
Vote,

Sorry about the T search troubles. I'm not surprised that its hard to find a good one. I think this site has some resources for finding one. I'm also not surprised that one almost cried - CSA issues are intensely personal and probably some of the hardest things a human being will have to deal with. Mine cried for those times when I was really hurting. I knew he understood the pain I was in so I appreciated it, but that's just me. I also knew my T outside of his office and considered him a friend to some degree.

Don't give up. Stay at the site and learn what you can. Hope you've already learned some things while you've been here.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#443900 - 08/10/13 12:44 AM Re: re-introduction [Re: Cthulhu]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hi Votecthulhu,

Sounds like you've experienced some rather complicated and serious problems, including how you try to cope with them even now.

This site is likely not exclusively what can help you, but in partnership with continued therapy, would probably be assistive. The question of finding the right therapist for your needs is the one of most importance. You probably better than anyone knows what you need and so should look for a therapist based on that. We usually have to be our own advocate in these matters and that can be hard to do for a survivor, but possible.

Best of luck in your quest to heal and welcome,

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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