and then I will stop posting. Promise. And it has to be discussed in this forum, because I am uncomfortable posting in the other... 'nuff said... or -just sayin' (what a phrase). Remember the searing pain I mentioned back in April. I finally made it after 4 months to the surgeon. It didn't heal. Still hurts.
Pants down. Undershorts down. Just little guy and his two friends hanging around, exposed. Just big hands feeling and pulling and pushing. God, you guys it wasn't sexual in any form of the imagination but it was AWFUL for me. Totally, one hundred percent AWFUL. I was exposed, fondled (albeit medically), and vulnerable. And the exam hurt. I don't guess we ever get over this sort of thing and deal rationally. It caused every thought and every memory to be amplified. It set me into a state of semi-panic.
And to be certain I have what makes a man (sarcasm), I was sent that afternoon for an ultra sound so I could expose my little guy and his two friends to several more strangers. Pants down, undershorts down.... WARM jell... -thank goodness the tech used pressure cause it HURT and there was no body confusion after the procedure started.
Even though the doctor's exam was medical, it reminded me of an adult's hands on my genitals when I was fourteen. Pulling and touching and stroking all parts. There was no sexual reaction, but I didn't like it, and it upsets me even tonight.
And I still have to call and set up the actual surgical procedure. It was on the afternoon, 5 years ago this past June, that the same surgery was done and my last sexual assault happened. Only five years. And I am just irrationally, unashamedly really upset and really scared. And I have yet to call.
I just reread this and I am posting before I delete. Hopefully it isn't to graphic or embarrassing. This explains why even the butterfly scene became so amplified and why it was such a hard emotional flash back kinda of 4 or 5 days. Its like the medical stuff and the butterfly stuff and the daily things that sort of trip us back, they all scream out at the same time and its almost too much.
Edited by ThisMan (08/06/13 12:52 AM)
Edit Reason: because I always worry
For now we see through a glass, darkly.