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#443458 - 08/06/13 12:45 AM Just one more thing for tonight
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
and then I will stop posting. Promise. And it has to be discussed in this forum, because I am uncomfortable posting in the other... 'nuff said... or -just sayin' (what a phrase). Remember the searing pain I mentioned back in April. I finally made it after 4 months to the surgeon. It didn't heal. Still hurts.

Pants down. Undershorts down. Just little guy and his two friends hanging around, exposed. Just big hands feeling and pulling and pushing. God, you guys it wasn't sexual in any form of the imagination but it was AWFUL for me. Totally, one hundred percent AWFUL. I was exposed, fondled (albeit medically), and vulnerable. And the exam hurt. I don't guess we ever get over this sort of thing and deal rationally. It caused every thought and every memory to be amplified. It set me into a state of semi-panic.

And to be certain I have what makes a man (sarcasm), I was sent that afternoon for an ultra sound so I could expose my little guy and his two friends to several more strangers. Pants down, undershorts down.... WARM jell... -thank goodness the tech used pressure cause it HURT and there was no body confusion after the procedure started.

Even though the doctor's exam was medical, it reminded me of an adult's hands on my genitals when I was fourteen. Pulling and touching and stroking all parts. There was no sexual reaction, but I didn't like it, and it upsets me even tonight.

And I still have to call and set up the actual surgical procedure. It was on the afternoon, 5 years ago this past June, that the same surgery was done and my last sexual assault happened. Only five years. And I am just irrationally, unashamedly really upset and really scared. And I have yet to call.

I just reread this and I am posting before I delete. Hopefully it isn't to graphic or embarrassing. This explains why even the butterfly scene became so amplified and why it was such a hard emotional flash back kinda of 4 or 5 days. Its like the medical stuff and the butterfly stuff and the daily things that sort of trip us back, they all scream out at the same time and its almost too much.


Edited by ThisMan (08/06/13 12:52 AM)
Edit Reason: because I always worry
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#443461 - 08/06/13 12:59 AM Re: Just one more thing for tonight [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Yeah, bill - I get it.
Reminds me of the time I went to have a vasectomy -and it triggered a flashbacks of the step-dad threatening to chop off all I had with hedge clippers - and he had them in his hands at the time.
no need for you to feel hesitant or apologetic or embarrassed.
we have all been there. The particular details may vary - but the experience and feelings are the same.
you know we know -and are here for you.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#443471 - 08/06/13 02:36 AM Re: Just one more thing for tonight [Re: ThisMan]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 336
Loc: Iowa, USA
TM,

I can relate to your story. A year ago I had surgery ( a portion of my intestine was removed) and following the operation, I had a catheter inserted. When it came time to remove it, it was a horrible experience. I felt the nurse just staring at my junk (ordinarily something I would kill for, but not in this case) and when she had to hold IT and take out the tubing, I thought it was taking way too long. ( bad pun) The pain was excruciating, more so the emotional trauma, although there was some physical pain as well. I felt transported back in time to every time I was abused and all the buried memories came to the surface. It was horrible and the trauma lasted for days. If anything good came of it, that's what started the process of dealing with my abuse. However, it still didn't make up for lack of appropriate bedside manner on her part.

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