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#443185 - 08/03/13 11:04 PM *Triggers* Craving for Physical Affection
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 601
Really scared of being judged, but...I needed to let this one out. Probably the most honest/vulnerable I've let myself be on MS so far...

---

It starts off benign; when you realize, it's too late;
Your integrity, long defeated by an overpowering lust.
You've presented your flesh as mouth-watering bate,
And now you're unaware of your feelings of disgust...
Your facade of normalcy, disintegrated, as if in acid,
Once more, you find that you're a toy for one's desires;
Without motion or emotion, you lay there, just placid,
Nauseated with pleasure as you watch what transpires...
It hits you, much later: you're as fucked up as before;
That toxic dose of shame makes its way from within;
You realize, your abuse has turned you into a whore,
Craving for affection, for any touch upon your skin...
And then, that awful truth presents itself at last:
Your body still remembers, that dark and hidden past.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

Growing up isn't about losing innocence - it's about learning how to keep it in a cold and unforgiving world.

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#443192 - 08/04/13 12:38 AM Re: *Triggers* Craving for Physical Affection [Re: concerned_husky]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 363
Loc: NY
Hey, Husky.

Understood.

The mind goes on a journey of sensation with many responses, often horrifying. Meanwhile the "body still remembers".

A recovery book I read tonight offered up the observation that the body is in this way betraying us. It lets all of this remain unmoved and constant. It may have even engaged in a pleasure that leaves us living impulses that conclude we were as much to blame, and that we will be to blame again. But after all, it is just the body, doing what it does. Responding.

Recently, I have been at work being more in touch with the idea of an embodied mind and a mindful body. What I mean is, when I give in a little to the mind and body being more intimately connected, although the pain increases, there sometimes arrives a bit of mercy, a kind of calming grace, amidst the rest of the difficulty.

Although true intimacy is not on the docket at present, from what I understand, these pains will not go away. However, by staying open to something positive coming along with the pain, by letting the hope for healing be present, perhaps more can be known about what happened and what is needed now.

Thanks for you thorough honesty.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#443194 - 08/04/13 12:49 AM Re: *Triggers* Craving for Physical Affection [Re: concerned_husky]
wearytraveler Offline


Registered: 01/12/13
Posts: 49
Loc: Left Site- no longer member
Husky,

Hey man, thanks for posting this - I think alot of us can relate to what your writing here. Not many have the guts to put all this out there, and proud that you did.

Your a good man Husky - because you are so much more than the past and your so much more than an experience or an encounter, you are a man who loves his friends, cares for others, loves to travel and these are just a few things. You are more than the darkness, you are a light - and by posting this the darkness trembles - and while we may appear to feel broken when we are in the thoughts that you post here - those pieces are being assembled. Thanks for living it out - while all of the above may be how you feel at times- it is not our feelings that define who we are your heart has helped me so many times and I am proud to know you and call you brother.
_________________________
I have left this site and am no longer a member to those who I met while here I wish you well I no longer reside in my own past but have moved on and facing what is now and what is ahead. My past no longer defines me, and it does not effect the course of who I am and my future.

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#443283 - 08/04/13 08:29 PM Re: *Triggers* Craving for Physical Affection [Re: wearytraveler]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 601
Wearytraveler - thank you for your kind words: I really needed them after that experience. It was good to wake up reading them. I'm still a bit jaded/disgusted/angry at what happened. I really hold it to heart though, what you said - the abuse and its aftermath aren't what defines me. I'm glad to have you as a friend on here.

FB - like always, your comments seems to hit the mark with things I'm struggling to understand...

Originally Posted By: focusedbody
It may have even engaged in a pleasure that leaves us living impulses that conclude we were as much to blame, and that we will be to blame again. But after all, it is just the body, doing what it does. Responding.


That sums it up well. If only I could do something about these 'impulses' though. These sudden cravings for physical contact - they usually come out of the blue and I have no idea why it happened.

Originally Posted By: focusedbody
What I mean is, when I give in a little to the mind and body being more intimately connected, although the pain increases, there sometimes arrives a bit of mercy, a kind of calming grace, amidst the rest of the difficulty.


This is the other thing you mentioned that struck me. To me, it sounds like what you're talking about is body-awareness - something completely opposite to the dissociation I've been un-/subconsciously using to deal with the disgust/pain. I think I know what you mean. When I don't take the effort to really be in touch with my body, it feels like there's nothing beneath my skin...but when I do, it's always accompanied with this sense of pain and disgust on one side, yet of wholeness on the other. It's kind of like trying to put a shattered piece of glass back together. I suppose maybe pain is the price you have to pay to feel whole, and to prevent acting out, which often seems to happen in episodes of dissociation. I'm hoping the more I do it, the more it'll subside.
_________________________
Husky

My Story

Growing up isn't about losing innocence - it's about learning how to keep it in a cold and unforgiving world.

Top


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