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#443174 - 08/03/13 09:32 PM Your SSA husband?
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
This post was helpful to a family member so I decided to post it here in case other spouses might benefit from it. Its just my own experience but might shed some light.


Sometimes the drive to be manly is based on fear and survival (rather than on a love of self and others)

*I will be abused until I become a man.
*I will never satisfy a woman if I don't become a man.
*There's no 'man' in me. TERROR.
*My mom (GOD) will reject me too, like she did my dad, if I don't become a man. How many of our mom's ruled the roost?


When the drive to be manly is fear based, I think we are VERY SUSCEPTIBLE to the appeal of shortcuts.

Cannibalism of the masculinity of other men, for instance, via sexual obsession. Crotch watching, ENVY, Never ending stack of internet pics, seduction, and serial sex. whatever. Hell, even an obsession with sports.

That's why for many of us, the SSA feels so TOXIC.

It has nothing to do with love.

Its not about filling a love need at all.

Its about avoiding the TERROR of not measuring up.

Its about desperately trying to absorb the masculinity I don't see in myself (as a 6 year old or whatever).

But surprise.

The masculinity IS there. In spades. In ME.

Its not about hair, big dicks, deep voices, broad shoulders, cut muscles, "attitude", and sex appeal.

Its about the pleasure of being human, of sharing, and of protecting/nurturing what is good with our very lives. That's what turns a good woman on. That's what the children of the world need to see. That's being a man.

I looked to men, because I wanted to absorb what I thought my mom wanted (as exemplified by the men who came and went). But it turned out what she wanted was Bullshit. They were all users. Bit her and all of us in the ass.

Fuck if i'm gonna spend the rest of my life trying to emulate her twisted notion of manhood: the puffed up sexy user.

So in this day. I see the man in me, the one who is still growing. The one I left behind when I decided take that huge shortcut to nowhere. The one I greet with a gleam in my eye knowing I can't fail because I will always be ME. No matter what shit I might fall for in the future, the real man in me ain't going NOWHERE.

And He's a damn good friend (and lover I suspect).

Welcome home again, Michael. You were SORELY MISSED!

What kind of man were you driven to become, only to find it to be an empty mess?


Edited by GoldStone (08/03/13 09:33 PM)

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#443193 - 08/04/13 12:43 AM Re: Your SSA husband? [Re: GoldStone]
black dove Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
Michael, this is awesome and your insight is truly transcendent! I am going to ask my husband to read this as I suspect he is at the place in his recovery where this will resound. Thanks for sharing this!
_________________________
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

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#443211 - 08/04/13 10:11 AM Re: Your SSA husband? [Re: GoldStone]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
Wow is all I can say. Everything in there made sense to me but a few things you wrote about really resonated.

Being susceptible to shortcuts?? Huge! That is what addiction s all about.

The terror of not measuring up is what I think drives my husband's sex addiction. Trying to numb those feelings away.

And the need for male companionship. I think not having that drives a lot of the SSA for at least my husband. Loneliness.

"Its about desperately trying to absorb the masculinity I don't see in myself." I don't know about that for my husband but I certainly wouldn't doubt it (I just don't know if he has enough awareness to get that)

"Its about the pleasure of being human, of sharing, and of protecting/nurturing what is good with our very lives. That's what turns a good woman on. "
You hit the nail on the head with that one, at least for me. A real man knows what is real and true and isn't afraid to be vulnerable. Trying to hide your vulnerability makes you a chicken shit, not a man. Saying this is what is happening with me, these are my fears.......now that takes courage and is being VERY manyly in my mind.

Anyway, thank you thank you Michael for writing what you wrote. It helps more than you know.

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#443212 - 08/04/13 10:15 AM Re: Your SSA husband? [Re: GoldStone]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
And FYI, if you share those thoughts and that post with your wife, I would guess it would make her very proud to be with you and definitely see you as a man.

I know if my husband shared that stuff with me, I would say
"NOW you are a MAN of courage and for that I am proud and grateful and see you in a much better light then when you are trying to be something you aren't" Does that make sense??

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