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#443205 - 08/04/13 06:50 AM What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me?
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 258
.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

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#443207 - 08/04/13 08:03 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
Sven,

You were victimized and it has totally screwed things up for you. It was not your fault either. You seem very self aware of things for someone your age so you are probably one bright dude. I read most if not all of your posts.

You are NOT a piece of crap!

If you were me and others here would not take the time to try and help you. These behaviors you hate can stop, but you really need to see if you can find a way to get professional help if it all possible.

I so get the need to be loved and feel accepted and thinking the only way you can get it is through sex. I am getting that love from my male friends now without thinking I need sex to do it. It's awesome. It took a lot of hard work.

Don't beat yourself up. You are in a tough spot. Even with all the things you are doing me and others here still love and want the best for you.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#443213 - 08/04/13 11:00 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Whats wrong with you? Nothing. What was done to you was the wrong thing.

Allow me to throw this one into the mix. A child is abused, used and manipulated into a belief structure that he uses to survive whatever personal hell he's enduring, the same child has to make sense of whats happening. This child grows into a man. Whilst the man has superior knowledge of how things work, what they are and what things mean; the man was still once that child and still holds onto old beliefs, though they have became somewhat more subtle as to evade self acceptance and understanding of ones foundations.

Its important therefore that man examines his belief structure and once he has examined it; consider what fits in with who you are and who you want to be. You can change this behaviour, because you are aware of it. The reasons may well come or someone may speculate that you may be repeating things in adulthood to 'replace' the trauma of the things that occured in childhood. But somehow, this time it would be different. This is nothing more than a flawed belief, which is fueled by a lack of self worth.

You asked why? Why would anyone do this to themselves or let others do what they want with you indicates to me that individual does not value his safety or wellbeing as much as he deserves.

You deserve happiness, safety, self acceptance, healthy relationships, peace and most of all you deserve to give these things to yourself.

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#443244 - 08/04/13 03:22 PM ! [Re: Sven]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:17 PM)

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#443247 - 08/04/13 03:47 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 131
Loc: Cascadia
Sven,

You are not disgusting, and there is nothing wrong with you. You are human and reacting like a human. Your post just made me cry. I feel great sympathy for you. Know that you are of worth and you are not alone.

I do the same thing. The other month I went to go stay at a friend of a friends house. He reminded me of an earlier abuser - I shrugged the thought off. He is HIV+ he rapes me and is violent. I was bleeding. I get on retrovirals. He makes me feel incredibly guilty when from the hospital I ask which meds he takes(when he feels like it). It was my fault, he reinforced. I go back - he rapes me again. Reassures me I wanted it because I pushed. I am crying and hyperventilating. I believe him. I eventually just let him bare back me without me caring. This continues.

We hang out one day after I say we have to stop. He cries at me for treating me badly then starts drinking in his car. Guilts me into letting him into my place.

You must know there is nothing wrong with us. We react in ways we think we have to. Our mind is not completely under our control. Systems act in the way they think to need to. Our bodies react this way because they think it will keep up safe.

You are not alone. You are not a freak. Because I am not alone and I am not a freak. We have parts of us that are difficult to deal with or understand. We must accept that to work through them.

I really wish I could come to you and reassure you in person - I feel so emotionally raw after reading your post. I wish I could demonstrate the compassion and love I feel for the part of you that I know. Thank you for having the strength to post this. It helps me.


Edited by Cthulhu (12/31/13 12:09 AM)
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

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#443263 - 08/04/13 06:10 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 258
.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#443274 - 08/04/13 06:56 PM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
To call what you are feeling "weird" would be to suggest it is somehow unusual, which could not be further from the truth. Little could be added to what you have felt, are feeling, and have yet to endure by others who have shared similar experiences. Fortunately for us the universal nature of our symptoms and sufferings despite differing backgrounds is what empowers us to learn from one another and come together in healing.

Rich and Poorsoft both brought up the self-awareness that I find quite encouraging to see in you as well. I agree with Rich when you are ready professional help will go a long way for your recovery but for now I think self-awareness is an excellent foundation upon which to build yourself up.

As to why you keep doing this? Well, this guy groomed you from the age of 15 on to feel and act exactly as you have up to this point. Now that you are pushing back against his abusive behavior he is using guilt to coerce you. The bad feelings you experience are actually not your own but, as we all know, they are enough to keep us in line. I encourage you to keep up the good fight, get away from your abuser the best you can (or at least from being alone with him), and if he tries to guilt trip you again try your best to tell him "no" while removing yourself from the situation and just come here to dump on us because we don't mind it. Don't worry if it is hard at first, or if you mess up, we all do. There are plenty of guys on here who have to deal with compulsive behaviors, including this guy, but over time and with enough effort those negative behaviors and emotions not only diminish but often disappear for all practical purposes.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#443343 - 08/05/13 08:23 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Sven Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 258
.
_________________________
In the howling wind
Comes a stinging rain
See it driving nails
Into souls on the tree of pain
From the firefly a red orange glow
See the face of fear
Running scared in the valley below
~ Bullet The Blue Sky - U2

Top
#443347 - 08/05/13 08:54 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 268
Loc: PA
Sven,

I guess what I meant by self aware is that you see what's going on and you are actively trying to understand and stop it. When I was being abused and afterwards I just wanted it to go away. Didn't want to think about it or deal with it in any way.

Don't feel bad about saying anything here. Hell, I can't believe you have the energy to even worry about us... I think it's just hard for people here to "see" someone in a actively abusive situations. I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking that if they could come help you right now they would.

Keep talking and trying to figure things out. People cried because they care about you and know in some ways how you are feeling because many of us have been there.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#443351 - 08/05/13 10:34 AM Re: What the $#$#^@ is wrong with me? [Re: Sven]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 131
Loc: Cascadia
Sven,

Maybe my response was over emotional and personal. Do not feel bad or close up out of worry for other people reacting. This is your thread. You created that post and the following replies are for you to use and interpret as is useful for you.

I cried not because of you. I cried because my past/current(?) abuse came to the forefront of my mind. You did not abuse me and you did not make me cry.

I posted what I posted because reading your post was very helpful to me. Maybe, I shouldn't have subjected you/ coopted your space with it. My hope was that it would help you like your story helped me in that moment.

I needed to cry. I needed to SEE that other people experienced the same feelings and had the same reactions.

Just know that you didn't do anything wrong. You did what you felt you needed to do. You can change, yes. But the person who did wrong was "B". He harmed you by manipulating your emotional state. The mind is more than just your logical processes. The subconscious has its own will, and it can be difficult to understand.

Stay strong. Stay safe. Let yourself love yourself - Read this thread and try to feel the compassion coming from the words other survivors have wrote for you.

With Love,



Vote Cthulhu


Edited by Cthulhu (12/31/13 12:09 AM)
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

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