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#44303 - 12/11/03 10:53 AM %^&$ing body memories, maybe trigger
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Okay, how the hell do i get rid of them? I'm tired of it. I am feeling so much the last some weeks, more of my father then my coach. My father, he would always believe that to hurt me, it make me a 'man'. ALways, there was so much he would do as punishment at me, never could I do anything right to him. So always, I would give him reason to punish me. He would burn me sometime, on my feet or on my hands, sometime in worse places, almost always where most people would never see it. But feeling that, been feeling it for weeks now, even more then other worse things. I have new medicine, valium, to calm me and to relax my body some, and have muscle relaxer and pain medicine still for bad leg, and even none of that helps. Just makes me panic more, and am sick of it, sick of him, sick of all them.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#44304 - 12/11/03 02:19 PM Re: %^&$ing body memories, maybe trigger
theo Offline

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
you want to know what just occured to me as i was pondering a way to rrespond to your pain, leo? it occured to me that we who survived and have begun the healing journey (and those reaching this point) have a far greater capacity to experience and reach out to other human beings. there have been so many times when i have been just as mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted as you are that i just wanted it all to stop. what amazes me is that we are able to experience all of this on a daily basis and still struggle on when so many others quail at even one tenth of what we go through. i have felt weak so many times over my life that it never connected how strong i was. i have frequently talked with lady theo about the litany of all the things we are going through and commented that any one of those would disrupt a great number of people profoundly. i am not saying we are better, i am saying we are stronger than we feel we are at times. such words help little in times like this, i know, but when things calm down a little i look back over what i survived another day of and i marvel enough to see that hope once more that it will get better. look at what you have survived when in a quiet moment and try to see from the eyes of another and you will more than likely see the marvel that you are.

journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

#44305 - 12/11/03 02:24 PM Re: %^&$ing body memories, maybe trigger
bountiful1 Offline

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 58
Loc: New York, New York, USA

I feel so much sorrow for you - that you had to endure those horrifying actions done by some one to you!

I think it is a good thing that you are feeling angry about something that is so horrifying that was acted towards you! It means that you are alive. I am feeling sorrow for you and anger at those actions done to you. Express it here - and keep expressing/posting it here. I am enraged when I hear of such abuse acted on someone! No one deserves to be treated like that.

I know this might not mean a lot; but his actions define him and do not define anything about you!!! I know you to be a very brave and thoughtful and honest person.

I find it hard - as well - to know where to place such horrifying things. All I know to be true is that I did not do them. They do not define anything aboutme. Only the person who does them. The thing I know to be true is that I do not have to place any blame on myself for things that were done to me when I was only at an age where I could not have known that adults did bad things. And i don't have to place blame on myself until I have somehow learned that their actions were not acceptable.

It makes me sad to ehar of those things done to you. But, I am glad that I am sad about that. It is an appropriate response to abuse.

Your feelings sound right to me. Remember that you can treat yourself and others well in spite of what you feel. (I think the more you question it - like here - the more you will get it out. Secrecy is wheer abuse can thrive. Keep getting it out. I am here to honor it!

Bless you!


I do not know what signature means in 300 words. I am guessing some thoughts?

Great book that captures the truth of PTSD: The Sentimentalists by Skibsrud

#44306 - 12/11/03 02:55 PM Re: %^&$ing body memories, maybe trigger
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
And, Theo, I think we grow more compassionate towards others, more aware of their feelings, pain, and struggles even as we struggle with our own problems and engage in a healing process.

Now, if we can just turn some of that compassion towards ourselves and pull back from beating ourselves up so much.


Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

#44307 - 12/11/03 04:13 PM Re: %^&$ing body memories, maybe trigger
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Leosha know that you are correct in being sick of them.

Replace them with the brothers you have here. Remember you cannot change the facts of the past but you can change the feelings,emotions and sense of guilt around the past.

Now speaking personally I know you to be a fine young man who has made tremendous progress, who has put a perp in the limelight and who is very good at what he does for others. Indeed some of your help here is truly remarkable and those you ahve helped can attest to that.

Alexei write down the bad shit on one piece of paper and then write down the good stuff. You will find that the good outweighs the bad.

Now I know I am probably old enough to be your grandfather but I truly feel like an older brother.

Get a doll with your sick fathers name on it and beat the crap out of it. And do it for you and nobody else ok.

Now I dont give a rats ass what your father said to you except to say that he was dead wrong. Additionally he relinquished the term father. Never did he fill those shoes.

You are young and have a great life ahead of you. Your demons are behind you and his are beginning. I alwasy believe that what goes around comes arount and he will reap what he has sown and will be judged accordingly.

Cyber Hug (((((((((((((((((((ALEXEI))))))))))



#44308 - 12/12/03 05:28 AM Re: %^&$ing body memories, maybe trigger
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Thank you all. I am not sure totally what is wrong with me. I am having so much pain from the body memories, but then feel the need to hurt myself, or to make someone else hurt me. Maybe that is to feel like I am taking some control of the pain, that at least then I am cause of it myself. That is stupid, I know. I am still not sure what to do, other then to keep trying. I make promise to friend yesterday to not hurt myself, and I did not, even though it was so hard. I guess this is my 'unhealthy addiction'.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#44309 - 12/12/03 10:58 PM Re: %^&$ing body memories, maybe trigger
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Leosha, your Dad told you that the way to being a real man is to endure pain. In a way, you are possibly still thinking that hurting yourself will make you a better man.

You are a fine man already. You, nor any of us, need more pain to prove anything to ourselves or to anyone else.

Do NOT hurt yourself Leosha! Your father had that sick thin,ing, not you. You are so far more a man than your father can ever be--unless he has a huge conversion and tries his best to liofe a completely different life.

I repeat--do NOT hurt yourself!


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#44310 - 12/12/03 11:04 PM Re: %^&$ing body memories, maybe trigger
Stee Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 3
Loc: Inner Space

I used to be "accident-prone", "clumsy". (The nurses at the emergency room knew my name.)

I really wasn't. I was hurting myself deliberately. Not for attention, but that was a "good" side effect.

What it really was is that the mental and emotional pain was so big that I had to see it and feel it in my body.

Blood was best, but a good sprain or bruise and I could cry, scream, curse for a GOOD REAL REASON. I could see tne pain, and I could poke it and irritate it and make it worse, all to short circuit or overpower that other internal agony.


**SATURDAY update**

I should have said I don't do this anymore. Back then I never told anyone my secret. BUt one time I almost killed myself, by "accident" of course, but that really woke me up. I started telling and getting help and then if I had to cry, scream, or curse it was for the real true reasons and there was finally someone who could understand why

After the rain,
All the colors came out.

#44311 - 12/12/03 11:42 PM Re: %^&$ing body memories, maybe trigger
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Dear Leosha, this may sound harsh, but, in my opinion you must put your father completely out of your mind and life. Don't forget, there is strong evidence he contributed to your brother's death. Stay away from him. You were saying the other day that you were thinking of visiting with him. For what purpose? You don't need the trouble, and there will be no closure for you with a man like him. Mike is so right when he said that your father relinquished his right to be called a father. You had the misfortune to have had two very evil male characters cross your life path. Except to report them, have nothing to do with them Leosha. My wife is a very down to earth person, (she needs to be to live with me) she has an expression that she often repeats: "when you see 'crazy' coming down the street, turn around and run the other way!"
You have some really good friends in your life, you've talked about them, they really care about you. Embrace them and all that is good in your life, and leave the garbage behind. And let me add one more thing Leosha. You were and always have been intrinsically good. You were born good. You didn't have to perform to prove your worth. People here, and everywhere - like you, not because of your many accomplishments, but because you are just a basically decent, caring, giving, generous person. Maintain your physical health my friend. Do no harm to yourself. Focus on the positives in your life, there are many to choose from. Peace, Andrew

there is no courage without anxiety

#44312 - 12/13/03 10:01 AM Re: %^&$ing body memories, maybe trigger
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Brother Leo,

You know that sometimes, even now, even with all the help I've been getting, the @$$hole still comes back and I feel what he's done to me over and over again?

It's normal, just like the rest of the brothers have said. And while it breaks my heart to know you're in pain, I want you to know that I feel it with you. Grief shared is grief halved. Joy shared is joy doubled.

Feel my joy for having you here, brother.

Peace and love,


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies


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