I've been thinking about the coffee post here, and there's something I am concerned about. Somebody tell me if I missed it in that post.
I have never been a daily coffee drinker. I couldn't drink it daily in college because, in short, I didn't function well. Coffee jumps me up. By nature, I'm laid back. And my on/off use now is more because its a natural high, a total escape when the stress gets too bad. That's my fear, considering addiction runs throughout my whole family tree.
I'm bothered because when I first came into awareness of my SA in 2003, I was under stress. Coffee seemed to give me strength and courage to fly through the mess I had to do (new marriage, full-time school, therapy, lots of reading about SA, etc.). However, that was when PTSD symptoms (fears, dissociation) started becoming very prevalent. Over a period of 4-6 months, I bottomed out into depression, withdrawal, and feeling really helpless. I pretty much quit coffee because I was just using it to cope with growing stress. My focus totally moved away from my recovery, as I was just trying to see through each day. I didn't have many tools or friends to lean on, even here. Like I said, I just put my head in the sand, and stayed there a very long time.
Was it the coffee? Stress? No tools? No support? It was probably all of this.
Well, in the last 4-6 months, I've recommitted to coming back here and admitting to myself what has and is happening each day. I've started drinking coffee about every day now. I get that rush, and I don't feel as much stress, initially. But yesterday I was in a men's meeting, and I actually felt bodily fears. I haven't felt that in years. Mind you, we are starting to dig crap out of the closet, and my SA is right there. But my wondering is if anyone has ever felt their PTSD kick up when (overly) caffeinated. I'm feeling afraid to tailor my use; however, I need to know what some have dealt with. I am asking for help here. Coffee has spelled trouble for me when I've gone overboard. And right now, with the heat on and coffee kicking back the pain enough for me tackle the day, I'm scared of physical/emotional memories being kicked backed up unnecessarily. I'd trade it for something that works; aka getting through the pain.
I'm attaching a link I agree with. I've had the book by Cherniske (Caffeine Blues) for years. I am curious to see if it may be affecting other people as well. Thanks guys. http://www.doctoryourself.com/caffeine_allergy.html