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#443107 - 08/02/13 11:45 PM Huge AHA Moment on Manhood
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Sometimes the drive to be manly is based on fear and survival

*I will be abused until I become a man.
*I will never satisfy a woman if I don't become a man.
*There's no 'man' in me. TERROR.
*My mom (GOD) will reject me too, like she did my dad, if I don't become a man. How many of our mom's ruled the roost?


When the drive to be manly is fear based, I think we are VERY SUSCEPTIBLE to the appeal of shortcuts.

Cannibalism of the masculinity of other men, for instance, via sexual obsession. Crotch watching, ENVY, Never ending stack of internet pics, seduction, and serial sex. whatever.

That's why for many of us, the SSA feels so TOXIC.

(on some level)
It has nothing to do with love.

Its not about filling a love need at all.

Its about avoiding the TERROR of not measuring up.

Its about desperately trying to absorb the masculinity I don't see in myself (as a 6 year old or whatever).

But surprise.

The masculinity IS there. In spades. In ME.

Its not about hair, big dicks, deep voices, broad shoulders, cut muscles, "attitude", and sex appeal.

Its about the pleasure of being human, of sharing, and of protecting/nurturing what is good with our very lives. That's what turns a good woman on. That's what the children of the world need to see. That's being a man.

I looked to men, because I wanted to absorb what I thought my mom wanted (as exemplified by the men who came and went). But it turned out what she wanted was Bullshit. They were all users. Bit her and all of us in the ass.

Fuck if i'm gonna spend the rest of my life trying to emulate her twisted notion of manhood: the puffed up sexy user.

So in this day. I see the man in me, the one who is still growing. The one I left behind when I decided take that huge shortcut to nowhere. The one I greet with a gleam in my eye knowing I can't fail because I will always be ME. No matter what shit I might fall for in the future, the real man in me ain't going NOWHERE.

And He's a damn good friend (and lover I suspect).

Welcome home again, Michael. You were SORELY MISSED!

What kind of man were you driven to become, only to find it to be an empty mess?




Edited by GoldStone (08/07/13 03:29 AM)

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#443172 - 08/03/13 09:05 PM Re: Huge AHA Moment on Manhood [Re: GoldStone]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Originally Posted By: GoldStone
Its about the pleasure of being human, of sharing, and of protecting/nurturing what is good with our very lives. That's what turns a good woman on. That's what the children of the world need to see. That's being a man.


That's exactly what I needed to read tonight.
_________________________
Husky

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#443223 - 08/04/13 12:18 PM Re: Huge AHA Moment on Manhood [Re: GoldStone]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
GoldStone - I just ready your story and I think I could have written the part about being afraid of other sexually broken guys. I looked at the site a year ago it was too scary for me. I so desperately wanted acceptance/love from other guys and the only way I knew how to get it was through sex. Being loved by another guy was sexually arousing for me. Also society says that if I want love from other guys I must be gay and I knew I wasn't on some level.

For me it was never getting any unconditional love from my male counter parts that contributed to me feeling worthless and hating to even be a guy. Reaching out to guys here, making some cool guy friends in real life and some pretty great male relatives I'm now getting some much needed, non sexual, love from other men. I actually like myself somewhat now. The sexual arousal around men still happens and especially when they are being blatant about loving me, but I know that's just my well trained body on a completely natural level and not what my heart wants AT ALL anymore.

I feel like I'm becoming a better man. There's a lot of cool things to love about being a man. It sounds like we got to the some of the same conclusions, but via different paths.

I wish you well brother.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#443330 - 08/05/13 05:01 AM Re: Huge AHA Moment on Manhood [Re: GoldStone]
ghostlights Offline


Registered: 11/22/11
Posts: 26
Loc: Upstate NY
Interesting. This is the one aspect of masculinity that seems to define me to some degree, and I'm still cultivating it. After 47 years I'm finally beginning to leave me, the scared little boy behind and through necessity learning to adopt the role of protector/nurturer of my children. But it's hard to imagine that they or anyone sees me as the ideal male. Certainly not my wife.

I've begun to believe my sexual ambiguity stems not just from my experience with CSA, but also from a need for a deeper bond with other males. I've always had friendships, some of them close I guess, but never close enough. My father loved me, but our relationship was not ideal and I certainly didn't fit his definition of the ideal son. That was my brother. The closest I ever came to feeling that bond with another male was in college. I had very strong feelings for my roommate. He was very affectionate toward his friends and when he would embrace me it felt amazing. Didn't last though. He had this habit of eventually pulling away from anyone who really got close to him.

Complicating things for me is that I have nearly always felt absolute contempt for the masculine stereotype. My brother rejected my affection for him, choosing instead to assert his dominance over me on a daily basis. His jock friends recognized the vulnerability in me and saw in that the opportunity to use me as their sex toy. The school-yard "pissing matches" were a nightmare for me. I rejected masculinity and began to see vulnerability, sensitivity and surrender (or at least compromise) as strengths, though obviously these were what made me a target. Masculinity for me has come to represent the origin of oppression and victimization. Testosterone is the most evil drug in the world. At times I'm ashamed of being male.

I look at war, racial conflict, sexual violence and exploitation and they all seem to have one source: the male need to conquer, to dominate and to satisfy sexual urges. It's a preoccupation, concern for the victims, anger for the perpetrators. Many times I've felt that maybe males should have their sperm harvested for procreative use, then surrender their "weaponry" before it can do any harm. How often in cases where children are abducted and murdered is the perp's sexual gratification the primary motive? How often are these perps women? Maybe I don't understand the psychological basis for these crimes or maybe I understand too well.

So I struggle with this notion of masculinity. I'm attracted to and fearful of men at the same time. I know I'm regarded with disdain by some people, perhaps even my wife, because I won't adhere to the "ideal". I think I can live with myself according to your definition, though.
_________________________
-Dave

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#444633 - 08/18/13 09:12 PM Re: Huge AHA Moment on Manhood [Re: GoldStone]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
For me, this was a pretty central concept (what Rich was talking about). My older cousin was always talking to me about what it meant to be a man, that he would teach me how to be a man, etc. etc. He was like a brother to me, and after my school got redistricted and almost all of my friends stayed at my old school, I viewed him as a very close friend. He began molesting me when I was about 6, and as I grew closer to him and admired him more, I just took what were doing as things that friends do together, even though I thought it was a little bit weird and seemed like something that I shouldn't be doing.

After I found out what had been happening was sexual, and therefore by definition a bunch of "gay" sex acts (in quotes because it was between two men, or boys rather, I guess), I felt horrible. I wanted to throw up. I thought my world was going to end. So I did what many distressed ten year olds do and I told my parents. They talked to my Aunt, and that was that. I told my cousin the next time I saw him that I had told my parents what was going on. He seemed just as freaked out that I told as I felt for realizing what happened.

That was the end of that relationship, but I realized for a while after that that I just assumed some amount of acting out was part of a friendship. I didn't have any friends anymore at that point, and I remember I asked the first real friend I made after that to act out with me. I was in fourth grade. He said no, and explained friends don't usually do those things with each other.

Years later, I count myself lucky that he's still my friend. We are now 26, and he's always been there to help me figure out what I'm thinking. Knows my obsessive nature, knows about the abuse, everything. The perfect friend for those times when I'm freaking the fuck out but can't talk to anybody else about why. More importantly though, I realized that friendship really didn't have anything to do with sexual anything, I just wanted some god damned friends and to stop being picked on and to stop being an outcast and to stop being bullied!

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