Newest Members
Lumpy, squeekinby, rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms
12369 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
aleja (40), bc22 (47), DavidMI (40), Forrest_Gump (39), Jay1946 (68), Malc4 (29), mpm01 (49), widpaulman (43)
Who's Online
2 registered (wearytraveler, 1 invisible), 12 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12369 Members
74 Forums
63569 Topics
444142 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#443011 - 08/02/13 07:08 AM I need support
PookieMarie Offline


Registered: 07/23/13
Posts: 12
I had posted a few weeks ago about my live in boyfriend, also survivor who is 1500 miles away for work. He's been gone for almost 3 months and previously when he has returned to our hometown we would text/call daily to keep up with each others life etc. Since our conversation a week or so ago when I basically said I needed more and was moving on we have decided to work things out when he returns home in the next few months, however communication has gotten even worse. He was distant before which is why I debated leaving, but he would still at least text me a few times a day. Now he barely texts, but he will always respond to "I love you"'s.

I am so confused because I have been reading "Allies in Healing" and it says that when you force someone to get help and worry about there needs you are doing the wrong thing and instead need to back off and worry about your own. I sometimes feel like maybe I am making up excuses for his behavior and blaming it on the fact he is a survivor instead of realizing he doesn't want to be with me. I than realize I gave him an out and he said he would work on this, so why so many mixed messages.

Has anyone else had someone they love who they know loves them back suddenly become completely withdrawn? He told me he was a survivor towards the beginning of our relationship yet we hadn't talked about it until recently when he became depressed and I said he should probably get help for it. After he left for home to work he continued being distant and I just pushed further for him to see someone and wrote emails and texts and had conversations trying to get him to realize he needed to release this secret and anger and work through it. He always says no, but agrees we can't have children until he does and he said he would.

I feel mad he doesn't just send a text good morning or good night like we used to do because it takes two seconds, but I don't think he understands why that matters to me. I think I caused this between us by bringing everything up and not even being there in person so I could be there for him?

I have an appointment on Monday with a therapist so hopefully he will help me focus on myself. I've been the center of my boyfriends focus for so long and I've been his support system that now it feels like we have nothing when he pulls away, especially with 1500 miles in between us. I am 28 year old so I'm not a child and I am not just casually dating him, I am looking to spend my life with him as he is with me, but if this is going to be my life it is going to destroy me. I feel SO alone and so emotionally unstable. I used to be so confident now I worry all the time that he is moving on etc. Not because I am not wonderful, because I am, but because I fear if I give him space he will run away from his problems and do something that will ruin the relationship.

I'm going home in two weeks to see him and I am hoping to talk, but I am not sure he is in a place to do that. Instead I think I just need to rekindle our physical bond which has been our glue. Even for a survivor he is the most affectionate and loving man I have ever met, but he hasn't shown it from a distance or been able to express any feelings like he used to. He said that he struggled with even writing something in my birthday card so instead never sent it until I told him he didn't need to force it. This is all so unlike him. Just 6 months ago he was sappy and emotional and writing sweet things in a memory journal etc. I'm so lost and confused. Is this common for survivors even someone who isn't getting help? He thinks he is afraid of the commitment, yet he moved 1500 miles away with me and we share a house and he pays for half the bills even though he isn't here right now, etc. I am not asking him to marry me right now. I still need to finish grad school. I feel like I could just talk for hours. I wish there was a support group around the pan handle of Florida. Something so that I don't go crazy.


Edited by PookieMarie (08/02/13 07:12 AM)

Top
#443017 - 08/02/13 08:08 AM Re: I need support [Re: PookieMarie]
foreverloved Offline


Registered: 02/16/13
Posts: 12
Loc:
yes the withdrawl is common. have you tried looking into and spending time looking up the effects of PTSD or sexual abuse? It might help you feel alittle better knowing what hes feeling or what hes going through and kind of make you take it out on yourself so much or think bad thoughts of it being your fault cuz its not. However if you are pushing him to see someone that can cause distance. even though he may not be talking about it and that everyone deals with the csa differently. Some have racing thoughts, arnt able to feel like they once could, scared, can see the images in there heads over and over again, feel body memories. dosnt hurt to look into it. even if you think youve read up enough on it to understand, know that you cant really ever understand, and can never really learn enough you could learn something new everyday. its amazing what you can learn even if you think you know everything. idk if this helped at all but keep on trucking.

Top
#443020 - 08/02/13 08:34 AM Re: I need support [Re: PookieMarie]
PookieMarie Offline


Registered: 07/23/13
Posts: 12
I have not looked up effects of PTSD nor have I read enough. I am just beginning my journey to trying to understand. When he told me he was abused he didn't have any signs that he was struggling with this or unable to be in a healthy relationship so I didnt think anything of it or probe, but when things started to change I looked into the effects of CSA and things have become more clear. Instead of leaving the relationship like I would in the past with others, I felt like I needed to give it my all or else I would always regret leaving.

Top
#443025 - 08/02/13 09:35 AM Re: I need support [Re: PookieMarie]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
I would like to speak from my experience, many of we survivors are very good at having one face that people in general see, the public, family, friends, see. Then there is what is going on inside of us. I did not see where he or yourself are seeing professional help. I strongly suggest that it would help you to talk to a professional who has experience in working with male survivors, this kind of help, I believe this kind of help would be of great value to you and him. I wish you all the best in your journey.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

Top
#443091 - 08/02/13 07:18 PM Re: I need support [Re: PookieMarie]
PookieMarie Offline


Registered: 07/23/13
Posts: 12
I agree. I have an appointment Monday with a T. I figure if my boyfriend isn't ready for help or isn't going to get it at all...I can at least build myself up and prepare myself for this journey wherever it takes us. Right now I am not in a position to make any decisions and I feel so emotionally confused and unwanted that I need to focus on me and stop trying to push him for help or trying to get his love and attention. I just worry that the T is going to tell me to walk away. I am not ready to do that yet.

Top
#443093 - 08/02/13 07:48 PM Re: I need support [Re: PookieMarie]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Hi: That is just what you explain to the therapist. Remember your paying for his/her time and advice. Do not hold back. I am very happy to hear you are going to take care of yourself. This will also put you in a better position to be of help to him. Stay strong God be with you.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

Top
#443155 - 08/03/13 03:56 PM Re: I need support [Re: PookieMarie]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
Hey pookiemarie

Sounds like a painful situation. Unfortunatly there are no easy answers. My H has some similar issues and often shuts down and withdraws. It can feel pretty lonely sometimes. If I were you I would give him space when he pulls back. I can be pushy sometimes and it doesn't help. Let him come to his own conclusions about himself and your relationship. You can assure him that you care but you have to take care of you so that you indeed do not go crazy. When my H is in one of his withdraw periods I take that time to do the things that I enjoy. I spend more time with friends etc. I hope that your guy seeks therapy soon but it may take a long time before he is ready. Its good that you have school to focus on. Hopefully he uses his time away to look within and doesn't shut everything out. I have found daily meditation to be one of the most helpful tools to deal with the lonliness and uncertianty. They have a ton of awesome free meditation tracks on youtube. Every morning I take an hour to plug in some headphones and just meditate. It has made such a difference that my friends have noticed that I am much more at peace. There are still hard days but it helps me seperate from the pain of it all and be grateful for me and all I have within. Keep us updated and take care
~HD
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#443157 - 08/03/13 04:01 PM Re: I need support [Re: PookieMarie]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
Oh and I also wanted to add to my above post that its okay if you aren't ready to walk away. I'm. Not ready to give up either. I think if we give up before we are ready than we may always wonder "what if". Either things with progress of eventually you will be ready to walk away and you can deal with it then. I think its great that you are going to see a therapist. A good one won't shove you in any specific direction but with work with you to find options and help you see for yourself what will work the best.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#443416 - 08/05/13 07:54 PM Re: I need support [Re: PookieMarie]
PookieMarie Offline


Registered: 07/23/13
Posts: 12
Thank you everyone! I had my T appointment today and it went great. I have a much better understanding about what my boyfriend is going through and it doesn't feel so personal and so much of an attack against me. I have a lot of work to do on myself so that I can learn to become strong again and find ways to meet my emotional needs while he hopefully gets healthy himself. Please pray for him!

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.