I used to have this meeting going on in my mind, feelings at the head or end of the table, have president over thoughts and stuff. For me, it was a matter of time,
my split feelings, or ideals, can come to an agreement, in less time then it use to.
fmighell Anc Ak

HI DAVID,
FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY AND SHAME HAVE PLAYED HAVOC IN MY SEXUAL LIFE WITH MY WIFE ALSO. SOMETIMES AT SEXUALLY INTIMATE MOMENTS I EXPERIENCE INTENSE SHAME THAT ABRUPTLY DESTROYS AND DEFLATES THE EXTACY. I THEN FEEL HUMILIATED AT MY INABILITY TO "PERFORM". AT OTHER TIMES THERE IS LESS OF A PROBLEM. MY WIFE IS VERY PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING NOW THOUGH THIS WAS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. AT TIMES WHAT HELPS IS A MENTRA OF " THIS IS AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PERSON THAT I LOVE AND THESE FEELINGS ARE GOOD (NOT SHAMEFUL)." "THEY ARE PART OF WHO I AM AS A HUMAN BEING." ………. YOU ARE NOT ALONE DAVID


IN RESPONSE TO SOME OF THE OTHER RESPONSES TO YOUR POST DAVID, AS I UNDERSTAND IT WHEN WE ARE ABUSED AS A CHILD OUR ABILITY TO SAY NO IS DESTROYED AND THE ABILITY TO SAY NO HAS TO BE PRACTICED.
IN MY OWN RECOVERY I HAVE KNOWN ADULTS AS OLD AS 26-45 YEARS OLD WHO WERE STILL BEING ABUSED BY FATHERS AND OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS. THEIR ABILITY TO SAY NO WAS STOLEN WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG.
AS A 25 YEAR OLD BEING SEDUCED BY AN OTHER ADULT WITH ULTERIOR MOTIVES I WOULD FEEL USED. ADD TO THAT I AM A SURVIVOR AND I ALREADY SAID NO OR OFFERED SOME RESISTANCE OVER A PERIOD OF HOURS I WOULD EXPECT I WOULD FEEL OVERCOME BY MY SEELINGS OF POWERLESSNESS OVER MY PHYSICAL REACTION TO THIS STILULATING CIRCUMSTANCE. (FLASHBACK OF FEELINGS TIME) IF THERE WERE A WOMAN SAYING NO TO A MAN FOR OVER SEVERAL HOURS IT MIGHT BE EASIER TO SEE THE POWER DYNAMIC GOING ON. SO IF THE SURVIVOR FEELS POWERLESS (FOR MORE THAT ONE POSSIBLE REASON)AND SHE CAN’T CONCIEVE OF THE POSSIBILITY THEN SHE HAS A STRAIGHTJACKET ON HIS FEELINGS… OR IS THE POSSIBILITY THAT SHE BELIEVES A MAN IS RULED BY HIS DICK THUS USING HIS SEX AGAINST HIM. WHERE WAS HER RESPECT FOR HIS INTEGRITY. THE PLEASURE OF SEX IS INTENSE, FAR TOO INTENSE FOR A CHILD TO DEAL WITH SO THE CHILD IS OVERWHELMED WITH FEAR AND CONFUSION, AN ADULT SURVIVOR HAS THE MEMORY STORED WITHIN HIM OR HER. AND CAN FALL AS EASY PREY TO A SEXUAL AGGRESSOR
THERE WAS AN OTHER TIME ON THIS PAGE THAT AN ADULT MALE RECEIVED ONLY ONE RESPONSE WHEN HE RECEIVED A LAP DANCE.(AUG 2000) AND FELT CONFUSED AND OVERWHELMED. THE RESPONSE TO THE POST WAS HE WAS AN ADULT AND SHE WAS AN ADULT, BOTH CONSENTED.. IT DIDN’T ADDRESS THE INTENSITY OF HIS DISTRESSED IN HIS RESPONSE. HE WASN’T ASKED HIS LIFE EXPERIENCE AND WAS DISMISSED. WHAT IF HE WERE A SURVIVOR OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE. THAT ISSUE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD.

[ August 31, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

RJD, your response was great. It addressed some of my issues so I wanted to say thanks. I read that you remind your self that your relationship with your wife is an adult relationship . I think we forget that about our marriages or girlfriends, that these are people we don;t have to be ashamed with, just be ourselves and be honest with them and things can get better. Instead we get so caught up in shame and other feelings that we let our most important peopole get away from us, we push tham away instead of letting them help. Anyway your post was great, and thanx.

RJD, I read your post again and this time what caught my attention was what you said about the ability to say no. We didn;t get to say no when we were being abused, then alot of us go on and feel like we can;t say no to anything, can;t control our lives and that makes us victimes forever. I slept around alot while I thought i was dealing with my abuse. It made me feel good for a little while but I acted like I couldn;t control anything in my life and jsut kept destroying my life like I was an adult victim. At some point we gotta be able to say no to the bad things and take our life back. We can;t say we;re survivors or we;re over the abuse til we can say no to the unhealthy things in our lives that our abuse made us do and til we can make healthy decisions and take our lives back.

[ September 03, 2001: Message edited by: big bear ]

AMEN BIG BEAR--------- RJD

AMEN BIG BEAR--------- RJD

I finally saw that I was treating these othe women like my abuse treated me. Just sex, nothing else. I thought my abuser loved me as a kid but I know better now. I was sleeping around with different women and some of them really liked me but I had no intention of marrying them or nothing, I was using them to feel better for a few minutes. When i realized that I was treating them like my abuser treated me. That could of been when I hit bottom and knew I wanted to have nothing in common with him so I started to clean up my act and ask myself what;s important.

I knew all along that it was wrong, I was hurting everyone I cared about but I acted like I was helpless and couldn;t do anything about it. I pretended I couldn;t say no, I pretended I couldn;t control anything. Later one I saw what mess I made and it all my own fault, no one else's.

my fault i keep throughing that one up , cant keep it down, sounds like that aa stuff it was all my fault for doing the things i did the useing, people, objects, amimals and instruments, boy that was easy, all i have to do is say i wanted him to fuck me right out of my skull and thats ok its my fault, fuck you, you sound like all the people who know about me, the same reaction, get over it, it was a long time ago, forget it, it was your dission to escape, that was your drug of chose, after being abused i dont remmember thinging fucking everything in site as being wrong,i thinked it normal, and that i should blame myself for what happened seems to undermind this recovery shit.....

ya count 10 spaces write trigger, this stuff and life is a trigger i cant look one way someone goes the other yes im fucked twisted angered confused disgusted tired frustrated just about ready to get off the pity wagon i want to pick my owen number call bingo and get the fuck outa here........

Thunderbolt,

Don't sweat it. That's why we're here, man.

This is a delicate issue (as I wrote about above). There are a LOT of mixed feelings here. But what it ultimately comes down to, for me, is taking responsibility for the here and now.

Mistakes made in the past cannot be changed. But if we can look at WHY we made them, we can avoid a similar fate in the present and future. RJD is absolutely right. My ability to say "no" was taken from me. I felt used by her.

But the decision I made the very next day, is the same that I make now (but forgot in between): I will not allow myself to give up my values, even for sex. Even though I may have been a victim in that circumstance, NOW I have the ability to make an adult choice.

Taking responsibility for MY actions and choices, gives me the power over MY destiny. I feel really sorry for this woman, that she felt a need to engineer the end of her marriage. She wanted to use me as a patsy; she succeeded to a certain degree, but not to the extent that she planned. Once all that became clear, I was able to say "no" when she turned to me, after her husband turned away from her. She was using me, but I would not allow myself to be used anymore.

The consequence of this was that she told her husband where I lived (to get back at me, I guess), So there was a year or so of terror, as I had rocks thrown through my windows, and my tires slashed. Since I've moved (left no forwarding address), there is no more terror. She tried once more to contact me again last year via anonymous email, but I just deleted it.

I'm not sure exactly how it worked, but after Big Bear's comments to me above, I managed to get over her. I don't feel the animosity I used to. Sure, there's some leftover anxiety when I remember the events, but I don't hate her anymore.

I might even be able to say that I forgive her. And part of me has felt that I didn't deserve to be forgiven by God, until I could forgive her (the Lord's Prayer: forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us). So now I feel more whole.

And that leaves me freer to live my life.

Jeremy
We're in this together.