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#442995 - 08/02/13 01:32 AM Hold Me Tight
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
We wrestled
Pinned each other down
And locked mouths.
Our tongues spun together
We Breathed into one another
Chest to chest, deep breaths, sharing air
I chewed on your ear lobes
I licked you all the way up and down
And we had hot passionate sex

Dude.

Then you wanted to go dance
I wanted to cuddle
I think I'm going to go, you said.

I cried. We both got angry.

Why can't guys I open up to stay around?
Why do I open up so wide
when I'm not sure you'll care for me afterwards?

Just go, I said, deeply disappointed.
I felt so strong and connected with you.
I felt so much.
Just go.

I came, you said. I'm done. I'm going, you said. Anger.
Well I'm not done, I said.
I was so vulnerable, I just need to be held after sex.
Won't you hold me?
It brings up so much of the closeness and loss in my life,
I said.

I don't want to stop you
I can't make you stay after you cum,
But it doesn't work for me, to be this raw, to be this vulnerable,
And then to see you stand up after your orgasm,
And leave this survivor of childhood incest gasping,
And walk out the door.

It reminds me of all the times
My dad raped me
One minute, there was closeness
The next, I was alone
Wanting a safe place
Wanting someone to show me they care
Wondering how this thing called love works.

So what we did last night was consensual
And tender and beautiful
But, it hurts to say it,
like my dad,
After his orgasm,
You left
It reminds me of...

I'm left gasping
Searching for any sign of care
Desperate just to feel safe in your arms
Crying because I gave myself
And now you're gone.

Will you sit with this?
Will you sit with the discomfort,
Out of respect for me,
As I read this to you?

It doesn't work for me.
I am left holding this crying little boy,
yearning for a safe connection.
I am left Wondering what is safe and who to trust.

I'm not broken or damaged or weak
This is just how I am.
It's what I need in my relationships.
Someone who will stay the night.
After all the heat and passion have been shared.

I'm going to say it courageously
Im going to Stand up for me now.
My garden of passionate sex
Has a price of admission.
If you can't stay and hold me for the night,
This ride ain't for you.

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#442996 - 08/02/13 01:32 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Have any of you ever felt like this?

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#443000 - 08/02/13 02:19 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
uhuh. sort of. This happened to me with my first love in high school with whom I made love passionately for a year but who would not acknowledge me in real life. Our needs don't always match the poor soul we get involved with! And a lot of those needs cannot be met by another human being.

Live and Learn. Thanks for helping us to know ourselves better through your writing.

May we all find the love that matches our need, and become the men who can love wholly and responsibly.


Edited by GoldStone (08/05/13 12:56 PM)

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#443001 - 08/02/13 02:22 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1283
Originally Posted By: risingagain
Have any of you ever felt like this?

What a powerful piece! And, yes, the truest moments of our relationships are those first minutes after orgasm. My molester was like that. You have me wondering if the dynamics of abuse would be different if he stayed with me instead. It would still be abuse. But was there any love at all? Any?
_________________________



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#443054 - 08/02/13 02:14 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
GoldStone, I believe it's quite realistic to have the expectation that if we're going to have sex and I am going to feel vulnerable, we make space for each other to be held afterwards if need be..

I hear your experience as different and equally valuable.


Edited by risingagain (08/02/13 02:14 PM)

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#443057 - 08/02/13 02:19 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Chase, well abuse is different than consensual sex for so many reasons...

the kind of love I needed from my dad was not even close to what he gave me...

so these moments in intimacy that remind me of the abuse... they are not abuse necessarily but I recognize my vulnerability in these moments... and that's why I have to be very clear about my needs in relationship now. I know that sex can bring up a lot for me, and that I have a strong need for security in relationship. I can feel very vulnerable after sex, So my need is to create some space for holding after sex.

I think for some guys they might read that as a chore, and for others they might just see it one of the beautiful sides, how close I want to be with a lover.

Reminds me of a poem by Cohen,

"Forget your perfect offering,
ring the bells that still can ring,
there is a crack in everythin'
that's how the light gets in."

Peace.

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#443070 - 08/02/13 04:22 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:39 PM)

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#443367 - 08/05/13 12:45 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Beautiful G

I concur

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#443745 - 08/08/13 12:48 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
(((((((RA))))))),

You sort of knocked the wind out of me with this one! So beautifully written and expressed, so sad and so strong. I'm sorry you didn't get all you needed from this lover. It wasn't too much to want and need, your expectation was reasonable; simply to be held, to be valued, to be cared about. I hope the next time will have all these and perhaps a pledge of love and commitment too, you deserve them all!

May peace and healing always be with you my brother and friend...

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#444654 - 08/19/13 02:02 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Risingagain, Wow! That was a very powerful poem. Beside my rape, I have only been with one other man, I was on the receiving end. But yes I wanted to be held and cuddle.

I normally think of myself as a straight man, with a feminine side. I come to this forum and read,it helps me to understand gay men. In real life I am scared of gay men, I guess that makes me Homophobic, but I am not angry at gays, just scared.
_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#444656 - 08/19/13 02:43 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 393
Loc: west coast
The last few lines of your wonderful poem reflect a concept that I was finally able to see.

I was worth being held.

I had allowed:
- sex to mean tenderness
- being wanted for sex to mean being wanted
- making you cum make it feel like I won
- anonymity to equate with safety protecting me (when it was really hurting me more than I could have imagined)
- being held was for OTHER people

the power of the kiss is this
it does not have the power to kill you
but it DOES HAVE THE POWER TO BRING YOU TO LIFE

Those moments of being held , kissing not out of passion but of honest connection are what brought me to life.

On our last night in the same bed, my wife asked me what I truly wanted, somehow I mustered the courage to finally say - "wake up in a man's arms"

Thank you for your moment of vulnerability rise!

ps lostcowboy
fear is the thing you need to be afraid of, not gay men. There is nothing to fear there or in looking in the mirror. You don't need to be afraid anymore, I know we all come to things in our own time. But I fucking wasted so many years being afraid, when it was my own mind shackled manacles that I had created unknowingly due to my CSA, my perceived inward homophobia, the place I was in my life and FEAR to be me.

Wanting to be held and cuddled and honored is just human, you are allowed to be human.


Edited by 1lifenow (08/19/13 02:51 AM)
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#444685 - 08/19/13 12:17 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: lostcowboy]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Cowboy,

I'm afraid of gay men too. And im an openly gay one! Join the club lol!!!!

smile

Mark

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#444687 - 08/19/13 12:26 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: 1lifenow]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Hi 1lifenow,

I'm glad you found meaning in my words. I feel blessed by that.

It's an ongoing struggle for me to honor all the parts of me and bring them together.

Reading your words I feel familiar feelings. We are all so human. Kissing out of true connection is something I so yearn for. But I've learned I have to bring all of me, and give the person time to get to know me, to see if they can hold of that. It takes a man as courageous as me to hold me. So it's really a self honouring.

I am really happy for you that you found the courage to be honest with your wife. What a statement that is!!! Wherever life takes you, you have the strength to meet it.

I am afraid of getting older. I'm 36. I'm attracted to younger guys, like 22-36 typically. I just love the playful innocence in me and I want to be with a man who brings his playful innocence!!! Yay! But the maturity and consciousness of a wise old soul is also what I deeply crave in relationship. I find it so triggering being intimate with older men. I don't like it. So I'm torn between youth and old age.

Thank you!!!

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#445872 - 08/29/13 02:46 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
RA - had to read this based on another response I just saw from you. Just like lostcowboy I consider myself straight and WAS homophobic too (sorry). I used to fantasize about other men wanting to have sex with me - it meant that they loved me. I wanted this because as a boy I got almost no love from my father that I can remember. Sex from my stepfather was the closest thing to love that I got from a man as a boy. There was one male teacher that cared for me, but he couldn't express the love that I needed. I find now that I'm older and come to terms with my SSA that I really just want love from other men. I've actually day dreamed about just being held by another man (in a non sexual way). I don't think I will get that now in my life, but I do think I can have loving relationships with other guys now either gay or straight that I don't see through a sexual lens. I've never been able to do that.

I have a few physical friends and one that I can hang out with (my cousin), but wish I had more. He gives me hugs and I love them. I have made some GREAT friends here at MS. The best thing is that I don't feel the need to manipulate them into telling me that they love me like I used to do with my friends in HS and college. The friendships just seem to grow naturally and I'm always open to that happening on it's own. If they don't work I don't panic (as much...).

Anyway, thanks for writing and posting this. Very cool.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446030 - 08/31/13 02:07 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Quote:
I find now that I'm older and come to terms with my SSA that I really just want love from other men. I've actually day dreamed about just being held by another man (in a non sexual way). I don't think I will get that now in my life, but I do think I can have loving relationships with other guys now either gay or straight that I don't see through a sexual lens. I've never been able to do that.


I know several straight and gay men who like to be held in a non-sexual way. I'm one of them. I have had several all-night non-sexual cuddle sessions with guys. I find this can be very healing. I just want you to know that you can create whatever you want in life. It takes work and courage, to negotiate intimacy and move through challenging feelings and vulnerability, but it is possible.

It starts by asking!

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#446031 - 08/31/13 02:08 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
For me, I want sex and cuddling, and romance, and love, in a life partner, a man! A man who has incorporated the best qualities of his inner boy and his wise old man... A youthful sage. Oh my God YES!

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#446127 - 09/01/13 09:47 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
Straight guys who want to be held by another guy? Really? Have an address? LOL I won't close any doors, but the love you guys dish out here is pretty healing.

Thanks!
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#446131 - 09/01/13 10:46 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Nowadays, "bro-type" straight guys are very casual about routinely hugging each other. It's become a noted trend in high school:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/28/style/28hugs.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

You could also look up "gay chicken," which was already common among straight guys when I was in college 15 years ago and which nobody would ever allow themselves to lose. Funny how times change! smile


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#446177 - 09/01/13 11:31 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
RisingAgain-

This is a beautiful, vulnerable piece of writing. Count me as another who can relate to most of what you said.

...yearning for a safe connection.
I am left Wondering what is safe and who to trus
t.

This is something I would LOVE to enjoy again... a truly safe connection in which I don't spend my time wondering what is going to be safe and who I can trust. It takes a great deal of energy away from the experience to be constantly watching for a movement or a remark or a touch that would indicate an aggression is beginning. It just takes soooo much energy. I don't think I can ever trust completely anyone during the encounters again.

...If you can't stay and hold me for the night

The first man I ever spent the night with was the guy in the only long term m2m relation I ever had. It didn't end so well. To be asleep is to be out of control. To be asleep is similar to being drugged. In being drugged, I experienced the ASA...

I tried spending the night with two others since that time. It just didn't work for me. I felt too vulnerable. To at risk. I have encountered the guys you speak of. They hustle out of the scene as soon as they finish as if they have a great mission to accomplish or have some superior motive calling them to go back to their world. What they don't realize is that they would be invited to depart anyway because I don't want them to stay.

I desire the emotional connection you yearn for Risingagain. In contrast to you, I am one of the guys you are speaking to. I don't run out to go dancing, but I don't turn out the lights and close my eyes with another in the same space because it places me at extreme risk (at least inside my head).

Nonetheless, kind sir. I found your piece to speak volumes of the need we all have to be loved and treated with dignity and respect. I hope you find the love you desire. To actually love another and have that love returned in the way you wish is a wonderful, life-altering thing to have. I once had it myself.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#446190 - 09/02/13 02:48 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: Rich1967]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Originally Posted By: Rich1967
Straight guys who want to be held by another guy? Really? Have an address? LOL I won't close any doors, but the love you guys dish out here is pretty healing.

Thanks!


Haha no address but it is out there if you look!!!

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#446191 - 09/02/13 02:50 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: ThisMan]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Originally Posted By: ThisMan
To actually love another and have that love returned in the way you wish is a wonderful, life-altering thing to have. I once had it myself.


Anything is possible, so I continue to have hope. There are mountains to climb, yes. I keep climbing. Love may come. I try to create opportunities to connect, to be intimate, in a way that is safe....

one step at a time!

Thank you ThisMan for seeing me!


Edited by risingagain (09/02/13 02:50 AM)

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#450585 - 10/18/13 08:16 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 581
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Expressing you feelings that clearly and that deeply is so much a part of the healing process. I am happy for you that you are able to feel so deeply. It means that other energy that can also feel deeply now knows you are around. I was abused in early childhood and did not begin to remember until I was 53--am now 64. I did not begin to understand all you say until then. I played out your scene unconsciously for a lot of years. I am a badly damaged person, but am healing one little bit at a time every day. I don't know how long it will take, but I know I am worth all the holding and cuddling and caring you talk of in your very touching poem. You words are a gift to me. Thank you.
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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