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#442995 - 08/02/13 01:32 AM Hold Me Tight
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
We wrestled
Pinned each other down
And locked mouths.
Our tongues spun together
We Breathed into one another
Chest to chest, deep breaths, sharing air
I chewed on your ear lobes
I licked you all the way up and down
And we had hot passionate sex

Dude.

Then you wanted to go dance
I wanted to cuddle
I think I'm going to go, you said.

I cried. We both got angry.

Why can't guys I open up to stay around?
Why do I open up so wide
when I'm not sure you'll care for me afterwards?

Just go, I said, deeply disappointed.
I felt so strong and connected with you.
I felt so much.
Just go.

I came, you said. I'm done. I'm going, you said. Anger.
Well I'm not done, I said.
I was so vulnerable, I just need to be held after sex.
Won't you hold me?
It brings up so much of the closeness and loss in my life,
I said.

I don't want to stop you
I can't make you stay after you cum,
But it doesn't work for me, to be this raw, to be this vulnerable,
And then to see you stand up after your orgasm,
And leave this survivor of childhood incest gasping,
And walk out the door.

It reminds me of all the times
My dad raped me
One minute, there was closeness
The next, I was alone
Wanting a safe place
Wanting someone to show me they care
Wondering how this thing called love works.

So what we did last night was consensual
And tender and beautiful
But, it hurts to say it,
like my dad,
After his orgasm,
You left
It reminds me of...

I'm left gasping
Searching for any sign of care
Desperate just to feel safe in your arms
Crying because I gave myself
And now you're gone.

Will you sit with this?
Will you sit with the discomfort,
Out of respect for me,
As I read this to you?

It doesn't work for me.
I am left holding this crying little boy,
yearning for a safe connection.
I am left Wondering what is safe and who to trust.

I'm not broken or damaged or weak
This is just how I am.
It's what I need in my relationships.
Someone who will stay the night.
After all the heat and passion have been shared.

I'm going to say it courageously
Im going to Stand up for me now.
My garden of passionate sex
Has a price of admission.
If you can't stay and hold me for the night,
This ride ain't for you.

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#442996 - 08/02/13 01:32 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Have any of you ever felt like this?

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#443000 - 08/02/13 02:19 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
uhuh. sort of. This happened to me with my first love in high school with whom I made love passionately for a year but who would not acknowledge me in real life. Our needs don't always match the poor soul we get involved with! And a lot of those needs cannot be met by another human being.

Live and Learn. Thanks for helping us to know ourselves better through your writing.

May we all find the love that matches our need, and become the men who can love wholly and responsibly.


Edited by GoldStone (08/05/13 12:56 PM)

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#443001 - 08/02/13 02:22 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1283
Originally Posted By: risingagain
Have any of you ever felt like this?

What a powerful piece! And, yes, the truest moments of our relationships are those first minutes after orgasm. My molester was like that. You have me wondering if the dynamics of abuse would be different if he stayed with me instead. It would still be abuse. But was there any love at all? Any?
_________________________



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#443054 - 08/02/13 02:14 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
GoldStone, I believe it's quite realistic to have the expectation that if we're going to have sex and I am going to feel vulnerable, we make space for each other to be held afterwards if need be..

I hear your experience as different and equally valuable.


Edited by risingagain (08/02/13 02:14 PM)

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#443057 - 08/02/13 02:19 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Chase, well abuse is different than consensual sex for so many reasons...

the kind of love I needed from my dad was not even close to what he gave me...

so these moments in intimacy that remind me of the abuse... they are not abuse necessarily but I recognize my vulnerability in these moments... and that's why I have to be very clear about my needs in relationship now. I know that sex can bring up a lot for me, and that I have a strong need for security in relationship. I can feel very vulnerable after sex, So my need is to create some space for holding after sex.

I think for some guys they might read that as a chore, and for others they might just see it one of the beautiful sides, how close I want to be with a lover.

Reminds me of a poem by Cohen,

"Forget your perfect offering,
ring the bells that still can ring,
there is a crack in everythin'
that's how the light gets in."

Peace.

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#443070 - 08/02/13 04:22 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:39 PM)

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#443367 - 08/05/13 12:45 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Beautiful G

I concur

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#443745 - 08/08/13 12:48 PM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
(((((((RA))))))),

You sort of knocked the wind out of me with this one! So beautifully written and expressed, so sad and so strong. I'm sorry you didn't get all you needed from this lover. It wasn't too much to want and need, your expectation was reasonable; simply to be held, to be valued, to be cared about. I hope the next time will have all these and perhaps a pledge of love and commitment too, you deserve them all!

May peace and healing always be with you my brother and friend...

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#444654 - 08/19/13 02:02 AM Re: Hold Me Tight [Re: risingagain]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Risingagain, Wow! That was a very powerful poem. Beside my rape, I have only been with one other man, I was on the receiving end. But yes I wanted to be held and cuddle.

I normally think of myself as a straight man, with a feminine side. I come to this forum and read,it helps me to understand gay men. In real life I am scared of gay men, I guess that makes me Homophobic, but I am not angry at gays, just scared.
_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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