We wrestled
Pinned each other down
And locked mouths.
Our tongues spun together
We Breathed into one another
Chest to chest, deep breaths, sharing air
I chewed on your ear lobes
I licked you all the way up and down
And we had hot passionate sex

Dude.

Then you wanted to go dance
I wanted to cuddle
I think I'm going to go, you said.

I cried. We both got angry.

Why can't guys I open up to stay around?
Why do I open up so wide
when I'm not sure you'll care for me afterwards?

Just go, I said, deeply disappointed.
I felt so strong and connected with you.
I felt so much.
Just go.

I came, you said. I'm done. I'm going, you said. Anger.
Well I'm not done, I said.
I was so vulnerable, I just need to be held after sex.
Won't you hold me?
It brings up so much of the closeness and loss in my life,
I said.

I don't want to stop you
I can't make you stay after you cum,
But it doesn't work for me, to be this raw, to be this vulnerable,
And then to see you stand up after your orgasm,
And leave this survivor of childhood incest gasping,
And walk out the door.

It reminds me of all the times
My dad raped me
One minute, there was closeness
The next, I was alone
Wanting a safe place
Wanting someone to show me they care
Wondering how this thing called love works.

So what we did last night was consensual
And tender and beautiful
But, it hurts to say it,
like my dad,
After his orgasm,
You left
It reminds me of...

I'm left gasping
Searching for any sign of care
Desperate just to feel safe in your arms
Crying because I gave myself
And now you're gone.

Will you sit with this?
Will you sit with the discomfort,
Out of respect for me,
As I read this to you?

It doesn't work for me.
I am left holding this crying little boy,
yearning for a safe connection.
I am left Wondering what is safe and who to trust.

I'm not broken or damaged or weak
This is just how I am.
It's what I need in my relationships.
Someone who will stay the night.
After all the heat and passion have been shared.

I'm going to say it courageously
Im going to Stand up for me now.
My garden of passionate sex
Has a price of admission.
If you can't stay and hold me for the night,
This ride ain't for you.