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#442258 - 07/26/13 06:34 PM Newbie spinning in circles
black dove Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
Sorry,


Edited by black dove (07/28/13 03:04 PM)
_________________________
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

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#442822 - 07/31/13 09:10 PM Re: Newbie spinning in circles [Re: black dove]
black dove Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
Let me try this again. I dearly love my husband. We've been married for 10 years. Three years ago I learned about his CSA. First I found out about his secret life of acting out, which pretty much shredded my reality. We went to counseling and the CSA and other childhood issues came to light. What I would like to ask is about building trust. I know that it will take a long time for me to trust again, but I'm asking about him. When I found out about the acting out, I didn't understand - I just saw it as the betrayal of all betrayals. We were so close, we never even argued in all of those years. So anyway, I was not at my best for some time. I really flipped out and it was awful. We both want to remain together, but I don't know how to "relax" around him anymore. He is doing very well in recovery and is such a wounded child inside. Unfortunately, the shock of the truths that came out triggered my own buried childhood trauma that involved CSA and abandonment issues. I just want to try to understand and get out of the cycle of push and pull that seems to be my default these days. Can anyone share a breakthrough? I would be grateful. This is a wonderful place and I've been reading here for a while. You are the bravest of the brave and I respect each of you for being a survivor. I want that for my husband and I too.
_________________________
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

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#442854 - 08/01/13 12:49 AM Re: Newbie spinning in circles [Re: black dove]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Hi. I read your first post and really wanted to reply but I didn't think I had anything useful to say. Unfortunately I still don't think I have anything useful to say.

I have not had a relationship for about 25 years. I am having problems with the general manager at work. We are also partners in the business with four other people. I have been there for working there for 15 years. It was a close relationship. Some things happened that were not right and it messed me up and brought all the CSA and childhood issues up. (nothing to do with sex) But there feelings of rejection and a loss of trust. It's been 2-3 years since things went bad. I'm in therapy now trying to deal with it. And it's better but I don't know if I could ever trust like I did before. I know that most of the issues were my issues but when you hurt it doesn't matter who is responsible it still hurts.

Like I said. I didn't have anything useful.

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#442922 - 08/01/13 05:16 PM Re: Newbie spinning in circles [Re: black dove]
black dove Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
Oh, Candu - What you said was so very important! You just nailed it: It's the feelings of rejection and loss that are so overwhelming when you have to find a way to be with that person every day. Nobody's perfect, and I know that my stuff was lurking in there and probably affecting things too, but the trust issue is with the deception - and THAT goes way back to having to live with an abuser who was wonderful or horrible depending on the day. I'm in counseling too, but I don't even feel like there's a real me anymore.

Lately, it feels like I'm just pulling bits and pieces of me out of the air. I listen to music (lately Florence and the Machine) and I feel like the music is more real than I am. I want so much to find the person I used to be 25 years ago... when my issues were eclipsed by my daydreams of a happy ending. Thank you, Candu for your reply.
_________________________
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

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#442964 - 08/01/13 10:17 PM Re: Newbie spinning in circles [Re: black dove]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
Black Dove, I hear you and I feel your pain and I understand EVERYTHING you wrote.

PM me anytime. I get it and there are many wives on here who get it as well. You are not alone.

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#442972 - 08/01/13 10:43 PM Re: Newbie spinning in circles [Re: black dove]
black dove Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
Thank you, Lucy, just to "hear" those words is like balm to my weary soul. I've been wearing this like a marble shroud for way too long, but every time I think I'm fly, something else - little things - send me crashing back to this painful reality. I was so shocked because my husband is so kind. I never noticed that much of that kindness was in the form of "service", being helpful and making sure that I was taken care of - He was not really connecting, just reflecting. I wish I could wave a wand or wiggle my nose and heal all of the broken hearts on this forum. I would do it in a flash.
_________________________
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Top
#443003 - 08/02/13 03:25 AM Re: Newbie spinning in circles [Re: black dove]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Someone said trust is like chocolate: once it's molten you can cool it down all you want it'll never have the same shape again. Oresonally I always think: It will become solid again, though, and you can make it into someting new.

That said, my only advice is: work on yourself. Look into your own issues and work through them. The more stable you are, the less you get triggered, the better able you are to approach your husband and the rest of the world from the best inside you. And that will help.

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#443200 - 08/04/13 01:46 AM Re: Newbie spinning in circles [Re: black dove]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 681
Loc: NJ
What I have learned in the last two years is that I don't need trust the same way I did before. I have to trust me. That's the only trust that is really true. We put false trust in other people and we discredit ourselves.

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#443210 - 08/04/13 10:04 AM Re: Newbie spinning in circles [Re: black dove]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
Right on Esposa. NOBODY is trustworthy. Everyone is human.

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#443296 - 08/04/13 10:16 PM Re: Newbie spinning in circles [Re: black dove]
karin4him Offline


Registered: 03/18/12
Posts: 18
Loc: Illinois
Black Dove,
I am in a similar situation, we were married 25 years when everything came to a head. We did a year of individual and marriage counseling. One thing that truly helped me was to do EMDR. Then my counselor helped me realize that it was not important to worry about getting back to what I was, but to realize what I am in the here and now, which is a strong survivor. Then to build on what I want to be. Take care of yourself, now is a time to be selfish for your own healing.

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