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#441069 - 07/16/13 03:55 PM not a pedo but a perp
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
The step-dad wasn’t exactly a pedophile – as in someone who gets sexual thrills from molesting children. And I am pretty sure that he never abused anyone else in quite the same way that he did me. I seemed to be the sole scapegoat that got the brunt of all his anger. Like a safety valve – that ensured that others were treated more decently. The step-dad was a different kind of abuser. He wasn’t a sadist either, I don’t think – though he certainly seemed to enjoy hurting me. But I don’t think it was a sexual enjoyment. He was so repressed sexually that I doubt that he found much of anything sexually fulfilling. Living with him, I got the message loud and clear that sex of any kind was bad, dirty, ugly, nasty, shameful and sinful. And that it was only allowed in marriage – and that the only reason was for reproduction. And that anything sexual outside of that – even talk or feelings or thoughts – was despicable.

Sometimes he did become verbally abusive to other people – there was a lot of pent-up anger in him – and it took very little to set it off. Other people did occasionally trigger him but I had the special knack of saying or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. So the majority of the time, it was all mine to deal with. I think I was a target for a couple of reasons.

I was more like his younger brother than I was like him in temperament, personality and abilities – and the younger brother had been the favorite pampered darling of his mother – the one who got all the advantages and educational opportunities, while he had to work to help support the family. His dad was a passive and ineffectual underachiever who couldn’t cope with the demands of supporting a family. So he became the macho man of the house – but was unappreciated and taken advantage of. I get all that – but it does not excuse his behavior.

I also was a painful reminder that his own son had died at about the age of 10. I was 5 when he married my mom – and was apparently supposed to fill the impossibly idealized shoes of the dead son. I wasn’t up to the expectations. So I was rejected judged, condemned and despised – and had to suffer for it. But my ineptitude and total lack of all the qualities that he valued made me even more contemptible in his eyes.

So I got not only the verbal abuse, but also emotional and physical abuse as well. He beat me. The punishments were out of all proportion to the supposed crimes. He was unpredictable and violent and would get carried away as though possessed and wear both of us out while using a belt or switch on my legs, bottom and lower back. Sometimes he would announce his intentions and send me to another room to wait and anticipate the pain to come, while he took his own sweet time, delaying until I was a distraught, limp, quivering mess – even before he laid a hand on me. Other times he would just snap and lash out, springing into frenzied action immediately, catching me by surprise and taking my breath away. Several times, he sent me out to cut the switch myself – an agonizing process – trying to decide whether to choose a slimmer one that would also be more supple – or a thicker one that would not flex as much. If I chose the wrong one, he would either send me back with instructions to get one of a different description – or go after it himself – and that was even worse because it raised his anger level. He’d leave little tags of leaf stems along the length to make it sting even more.

When the abuse crossed the line into the sexual area, I don’t think he intended it to be that way. It was intended as embarrass me, humiliate me, mock me, and “tease” me in a way that bordered on torture. It was an attempt to do whatever he could do to make me not only feel uncomfortable, but to destroy my sense of self-esteem and value. He did anything he could think of to demean and hurt me and when I reached the stage where I stopped crying and resisting the whippings, he discovered that this was something that did even more damage – and used it to advantage. It was also a lot less work on his part.

As I grew up, the physical abuse tapered off – probly around age 11 – and the more sexual stuff increased. But – I think it only seemed sexual to me – I think to him it was only another form of a more subtle combination of emotional, low-grade physical and verbal punishment. I do believe that any objective witness would also have seen it as CSA – but I don’t think that was his intention – and that he would have been horrified to know that anyone else saw it that way. The overt physical and sexual abuse stopped after an episode at age 13 when I was almost as tall as he was – and I had been sexually mature for a couple of years. From then on, it was “only” verbal and emotional abuse – although the sexual harassment of a verbal nature continued until much later. By the time I left home at 18, I had pretty much “disappeared” as far as the way I was treated around the house – I was studiously ignored most of the time – unless there was some absolute necessity to communicate with me or some task that they wanted me to do for them.

Through all of this time – 13 years – mom was conspicuous by her absence. She was there in a literal sense – but not “there for me” - emotionally or in any way that implied recognition of my plight, sympathy or support. She might have well have been the house-keeper or a stranger hired to provide for only physical needs.

I think that this may be one reason that it took me so long to admit that I had been sexually abused. It was not admitted by anyone else – and my perceptions of his treatment had been so belittled, downplayed, minimized, excused and rationalized - that I doubted my own ability to recognize the truth. I actually thought that I was making too much of it and that I was a filthy pervert to interpret what he had done as something sexual. I also believe that, given the atmosphere I grew up in, I would have ended up as a screwed up mess emotionally and psychologically – with sexual dysfunction – even without any specific abuse directed at me personally.

i am at a loss as to how to categorize his behavior. don't know if there is a term for it - only what it did to me.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#441079 - 07/16/13 05:26 PM Re: not a pedo but a perp [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Lee, you know I have had always problems to get in head of people like your step father was. Those who are let's say borderline abusive persons not real serial predators that we could read about from news.
Well I'm not sure if you are aware how well you actually did it, you described him in details and I can tell you that I got feeling how was he.
You showed great insight into how he used his stepson (you) as punching bag and when that wasn't enough he crossed the final line and came to sexual abuse.
Don't know if he was sadist in real terms but at least could have antisocial personal disorder which has similar concept as psychopathy. Normal person with empathy no matter on causes could never be so much hurtful, cold, and without any compassion.
Under such person I guess your mother couldn't have enough capacity to be emotional present for anyone beside her husband. Such is dynamics of violent relationships. She was stripped of any possibilities to be present for anyone-else beside person who took her fate in own hands with so much power and without any respect of personal borders. I'm sure they two never talked much about it but such message was more than clear. I guess she was not allowed to be with you connected in normal way as any mother should be as such relationship could be seen as possible safe place where you two could be out of his reach. Probably you were constant "silent threat" to your step father. Also your mother must be shaken all time long and he could know it. I can't imagine in what hell your mother has lived and how hurtful was to be forced to gave up on own son and pretend like he is not there.
You two deserve medal of bravery, you both went trough so much pain...

Honestly I despise persons as your step father was and would like if such person could sense something that he has caused others to feel - terror and fear when constantly expecting bestial punishment for nothing.

Lee you are our hero!

(((Lee)))
_________________________
My story

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#441786 - 07/22/13 06:05 PM Re: not a pedo but a perp [Re: traveler]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 192
Thanks for posting this. It sounds a lot like my uncle. I don’t believe he was a pedo either. He had plenty of chance to do stuff all the time I was growing up. Except for this one thing that happened when I was 4, which I don’t even have any memory of him participating in, just that he was there, he didn’t do anything sexual to me till much later on. Even then it was like just another way for him to.... do whatever it was he was trying to do. Control me? Make himself feel better that he could dominate another person? Never mind that the person was only a kid. I would have done whatever he asked me to if I could. I’m not really convinced he enjoyed hurting me. Its all just really confusing. I just wonder what was the point. Sometimes we had really good times, me, him and my dad. Why wouldn’t you want to keep the good times going, why would you want to ruin it all by being evil? When I was really little he was my hero. It makes me sad too, because it could have been good.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what I’d be like if I hadn’t been abused, but I figured it’s pretty much a pointless exercise. Even if you have a completely perfect upbringing, there is no guarantee that you are going to turn out well. Even if I hadn’t been abused I still had a sort of dysfunctional upbringing, so I was probably always going to be somewhat messed up.

I’m really sorry that your family downplayed what happened to you and made you doubt yourself. It really sucks because your family are supposed to love you and protect you. I did once read that the biggest threat to kids was from their step-fathers. It also sucks for me to say “well at least you know what the real truth is” because really you want them to know and accept the real truth. In the end though, it’s them that’s screwed up, not you.

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#441801 - 07/22/13 08:21 PM Re: not a pedo but a perp [Re: traveler]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 470
Loc: UK
I read your post a few days ago and it has stayed with me, its a pretty vivid portrait of an abuser. I have also wondered about my fathers abusive behaviour.

In your case the perp might have had sadistic traits as you say he enjoyed hurting you, sadism is all about cruelty for pleasure. Sounds like he had a need to hurt someone small and helpless and in his violence the sexual abuse was one of his weapons, I don't think it would matter who the little boy happened to be or what qualities he had or had not, the step-fathers hideous cruelty would be all that counted in the relationship, I think someone capable of that level of shocking cruelty would have been cruel to any child, even if he did not act out the cruelty to such an extent with others it would still be there in his relationships with children. In my own case I feel the perp was so blinded by his own cruelty and lack of empathy for others that he could not see who I was at all so al,l his violence was in no way about the kind of child I was.

My father was not a paedophile in that he was not primarily sexually attracted to children, his main attraction was women, from the bit I could gather of his childhood I expect he was acting out what happened to him, it was all about power and physical, emotional and sexual abuse were what he used to try and have a sense of being in control. He had a lot of hatred of what he thought of as weakness, which may have been about his subconscious self-hatred for the hurt abused child in himself.

As for your mothers blindness, wilful or otherwise, you must have felt very alone with what was going on, for me the lack of acknowledgement of the abuse and the family denial were big issues, when no one validates or attempts to protect the child we end up not trusting our own reality, or having to minimise what really happened.

Reading you words reminds me of how amazing children are to survive so much.

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#441808 - 07/22/13 09:51 PM Re: not a pedo but a perp [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
thank you, txb.

thank you, Rustam.

what you said helped me feel not so alone and feel more understood.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#442764 - 07/31/13 12:36 PM Re: not a pedo but a perp [Re: traveler]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:31 PM)

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#442851 - 08/01/13 12:08 AM Re: not a pedo but a perp [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Geoff-

I can't even imagine what it means - "if he didn't matter."
My entire life was hijacked and diverted by him.
I would love to get to the place where he no longer matters.
I just don't know how to get there.
I know he still has too much power over me.
don't know how to break that.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#442870 - 08/01/13 07:50 AM Re: not a pedo but a perp [Re: traveler]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
Lee,

I'm not a Christian but your last post and your signature fit together like poetry. I hope you can find that freedom.


Edited by Jacob S (08/01/13 07:50 AM)
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#442892 - 08/01/13 11:37 AM Re: not a pedo but a perp [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
thank you, Jacob.
i think you may have a point here.
it is kind of you to make that connection and share it.
i think it was in my "blind spot."
i often/usually consider myself disqualified from God's grace - even things i can express and believe for others - because of how damaged and tainted i have felt.
it is a constant effort to re-train my mind and emotions to consider myself as acceptable to God and worthy of healing and receiving His love.
i also see a connection with the "soul ties" thread in the main MS forum.
now i have to figure out how to put it all together and make it "work."
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#442907 - 08/01/13 01:25 PM Re: not a pedo but a perp [Re: traveler]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:35 PM)

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