Some days, some moments, I feel like Neo. I see the world as it is, as it could be, as it should be. And I think why not? I possess a unique set of skills where I can affect change. So what's stopping me? Me.
I put my hand up, and I stop the bullets, but then I think, "is it okay that I stopped the bullets?" Second guessing, questioning, knowing full well that my belief and conclusion system is flawed because it lacks the one thing you need to stop bullets... confidence.
My confidence was taken, stripped, robbed from me. My belief in myself, my self worth, taken away before I even understood the concept. It's not that I can't... I have proven that I absolutely can, and I can well! It's that I don't believe I can. The kind of guy who can't sit quietly and enjoy life. The kind of guy who needs medals, diplomas, and tokens of success to prove to myself that I can.
Bullcrap. I don't need those things. I can, and that's good enough.
Somewhat ironically, I was named after my abuser... and I am the Second, or "II" And what is it I do in life? Second guess everything. Question everything. "is it okay to get up? to eat? to brush my teeth?" Even a spec of bird dust sets of a reaction so catastrophic, I have to deep breathe for 30 minutes just to think about being balanced again.
I am not the second. I am the first. I choose my initials as my identifier in life. I think changing my name would be lying about who I am and where I came from, but I am me. I am the first and I am done questioning me. I am done second guessing my way through recovery and reanalyzing the past. There is only today, now, this moment and this moment I choose to be like Neo.
"No." I choose not to die. I choose life.
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.