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#442837 - 07/31/13 10:44 PM Pure Emotional Edginess Or Impending Supervolcano?
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL

Today I was reminded of an old song that was on the charts back in 93/94. The song was called "Sweet Lullaby" and was done by a soft electronica group called Deep Forrest. This morning, as I was sitting in the parking lot outside of one of my accounts, I looked up the song on Wikipedia to find out what it's meaning might be and came up with this.....

Quote:
"The song is based around a traditional Baegu lullaby from the Solomon Islands called "Rorogwela", and uses a vocal sample originally recorded by ethnomusicologist Hugo Zemp in 1970 and later released by UNESCO as part of their Musical Sources collection.[1] The lyrics refer to a young orphan being comforted by his older brother despite the loss of their parents.


As soon as I read that last sentence, it happened. Emotion swelled up inside me an tears started welling up in my eyes. I immediately forced the emotion back down and commanded composure over myself, then wiped my eyes hoping no one was looking at me.

Sometimes, that's all it takes. Weird little things like that bring little bursts of emotion to the surface and often catch me completely off guard. Sometimes it's things that cause spurts of sadness like the aforementioned song description. At others, it's little things that would cause most people only mild frustration, when in me they bring little flashes of anger and rage. Little mini tantrums that last only seconds, but often result in something being broken or smashed.

When I step back and think about it, I know the things that cause these little flashes of emotion aren't what I'm really sad or angry about. Ironically, the things I'm the most sad and/or angry about are the things I have the hardest time getting visibly sad or angry about. They are stuffed to far down now. So, that sadness and anger finds little vents to come out through from time to time, because it has nowhere else to go.

You know what scares me though? Sometimes I think the real things I'm sad and angry about are little like the magma dome underneath the Yellowstone Supervolcano. (If you don't know what the Yellowstone Supervolcano is, look it up. It's some scary shit.) All the pressure building under Yellowstone twists and morphs and deforms the earth above it, finding vents to escape how and where and when it can, in the form of geysers and hot springs and whatnot. However, if and when that magma dome ever reaches the surface and Yellowstone blows, it' going to be very, very, very bad. Millions will die in the days that follow. Billions will starve in years that follow due to the nuclear winter-like after effects.

All of this emotional instability and unpredictability, coming out in little spurts, how and when it can, like little geysers and minor earthquakes releasing some of the pressure and strain. That magma dome is down there though, boiling, churning and building, and that scares me. Peace,

Ken

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#442864 - 08/01/13 06:57 AM Re: Pure Emotional Edginess Or Impending Supervolcano? [Re: BraveFalcon]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 690
Loc: Southeast USA
Ken,

First of all, I know the song you're talking about. That CD is somewhere in my attic.

I think what you're talking about is not uncommon. I've experienced that sudden rush of emotion in the oddest places and circumstances. One morning I was driving to work on the Connector when I looked over at the buildings of Midtown bathed in the golden light of the rising sun. That triggered a range of feelings---joy at the indescribable beauty of it all----and the despondency of knowing none of it would last forever. In five minutes, tears were streaming down my face as I exited at North Ave. I had to wait a few minutes before I went inside because it was obvious I had been crying.

Once I was looking through Tower Records at the old location near Lennox. I went into the classical music listening room. There, I heard a piece of music that drove me to tears with its beauty---but once again tempered with a deep sadness that the composer was long-dead, but amazement that his thoughts lived on as notes on paper and music in my ears. There I was in Tower Records bawling. Fortunately, there was nobody else nearby.

Just a few months ago (I posted on this) I heard "Puff the Magic Dragon" by Peter, Paul and Mary. I bawled like a baby. It just welled up and came pouring out. The song is about ages/phases and loss. I get it. It dwells within me---and I suspect you and many others.

A dragon lives forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant rings make way for other toys
One gray night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar


So, Ken to borrow your geologic analogy---this is like an aquifer. Sometimes you have to drill a well to extract the water....and sometimes the hydrologic pressure is great enough to create an artesian well...one where the water gushes out under pressure. The flow rises and falls with the pressure underneath. A hundred years ago, the Floridian aquifer contained so much fresh water that artesian wells were common---and many fresh water plumes were reported in the ocean several miles from shore. Over time, the many drilled wells have lowered the pressure to the point where most if these natural wells have stopped flowing.

While this is unfortunate for the aquifer, I think the CSA victim benefits from a steady release---at least I do.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#442866 - 08/01/13 07:14 AM Re: Pure Emotional Edginess Or Impending Supervolcano? [Re: BraveFalcon]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 591
I'm right there with you, Ken. When I have the time and energy, I'm trying to work those things back. The emotions are like eels that jump to the surface and then immediately try to wriggle away. I'm teaching myself to focus on those feelings and call them up on my timetable instead of their own, and explore and examine them and try to work them backward to their origin. Its incredibly exhausting work but I feel its had some benefits.

For instance, I came across this music video made out of the film "A.I."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HvnEX0uqQM
(I didn't embed it because its very emotional and could be triggering)

That movie is incredibly triggering for me and just watching that little video made me feel small and hurt. In the past I would have tried to just bury those feelings. But I had the time, so I grabbed those feelings and forced them to stay on the surface while I looked at them. I realized that, like the child in the movie, I went through an experience where all my feelings of being unique and worthwhile on my own were crushed. I was made to believe I was only important in my ability to serve someone else, not inherently valuable. And at that moment, like the boy says "my brain is falling out." Knowing all that makes me understand why that movie is so powerful for me instead of it just being a mystery. I think what I am saying is very similar to what Will is saying above me, just in a different way.

or another way of putting it:

If you really want to conjure up a ghost
Cultivate a space for the things that hurt you most

Rake the sands until they surface
Bind their tiny eyes

Stake out your position, let your armor fall
Stay put til they find you, it won't take long at all

Rake the sands until they surface
Up they come, gone translucent

They're coming up no matter what
Fools rush in and the doors slam shut

Ghosts of my childhood stay with me, if you will
Find a place where there's water, hold you under til you're still

Rake the sands until they surface
Don't let anybody call them ugly

-- The Mountain Goats
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#442940 - 08/01/13 08:02 PM Re: Pure Emotional Edginess Or Impending Supervolcano? [Re: BraveFalcon]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ken,

I do have the same reaction to certain stimuli as you do. I tear up, sometimes more sometimes less. Sometimes I can pinpoint the reason, sometimes its just a vague notion that flows through my heart.

It can be a song, any song, or the feel of the breeze or even the silence. I have been in my house since around 4... the only sound so far has been the cat who meowed once and the dryer that ended it cycle a few ago. And I still feel emotional. I have been reading the posts for today, and have teared up with most of them.

So will we blow one day? I doubt it. It has become such a way of emotional life, that I can't see it happening.

I teared up when I read the words of Puff that Will left. It's okay. It means we are real.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#442942 - 08/01/13 08:18 PM Re: Pure Emotional Edginess Or Impending Supervolcano? [Re: BraveFalcon]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 589
Loc: VA
Guys:

I know what you mean--I've been braced for another shoe to drop for 19 years, since the original round of flashbacks. I'm worried that it will be like Yellowstone: the longer it takes to happen, the bigger the catastrophe will be. Meanwhile, there have been a host of things that set off small tremors like tearing up and becoming useless for a few hours. Example: this happened recently when I watched "Perks of Being a Wallflower." What was the trigger? Not the abuse or bullying stories--it was when Charlie took his prescription pills. At that point, I was in the movie.

You never know when you'll get blindsided. I'm not sure it's a good thing to even try to be ready for it. Peace!

John

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#442955 - 08/01/13 09:30 PM ! [Re: BraveFalcon]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:12 PM)

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#442958 - 08/01/13 09:44 PM Re: Pure Emotional Edginess Or Impending Supervolcano? [Re: BraveFalcon]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
I am so emotional now after finally allowing myself to be emotional. It's like two decades worth of emotions are just all coming out at once. This thread makes me want to share what happened with my father in law a couple of days ago. When I told my in laws their initial reaction was "oh, we're sorry to hear that, but we kind of thought that based on other things you've said". It was so awkward I said thanks then I think everyone was happy to move on to the next topic. This last week while vacationing at their cottage they started asking me questions about the abuse and this site which I happily spoke to them about (told them this site is AWESOME). They were genuinely concerned. Then my father in law says that he's happy that I've found something that helps and he wanted me to know that he thought I was really good guy.

For a guy who can't remember a father figure saying he loved me or even hug me this was a pretty nice moment and I couldn't help but cry some like I am now. I found out later that he's been wanting to say something to me for a while, but just didn't know what to say. That was cool too.

I love feeling these emotions now after not being able to for so long even when I don't know there coming.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#442973 - 08/01/13 11:02 PM Re: Pure Emotional Edginess Or Impending Supervolcano? [Re: Rich1967]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1089
Loc: The ATL

Hi guys. Thanks for the responses and the feedback. It's nice to see that so many of you can identify but, as usual, I'm sorry that anyone does. Thank god for these little emotional outlets I do have from time to time, even though they sometimes come out unpredictably and at random, often catching me by surprise. However, when those emotional outlets vent my deep internal sadness, I am often left feeling like I am not a man but just a big, emotional, blubbering baby. Just one more thing that makes me feel like I am not a real adult but a scared kid in an adults body, trying his best to navigate an adult world and survive in it. It scares me to feel that way. Makes me feel small and inept.

What scares me even more is when that little burst, (or vent), of unpredictable emotion is anger and I can scarcely control it. That's when I feel like I am truly insane and know that I am not a stable person. I am not healthy. I know that most people do not have this potential supervolcano simmering inside them but I do, and it scares me. At least I know I will never harm another person but short of that, I don't know what would ultimately happen if this thing inside of me ever blows. I don't want to know. Peace,

Ken

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#443064 - 08/02/13 02:59 PM Re: Pure Emotional Edginess Or Impending Supervolcano? [Re: BraveFalcon]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 270
Loc: PA
Ken,

Wow, the anger. I really haven't dealt much with that in my posts. When I was a teenager I broke every window in this fort my abuser helped me build. I eventually owned up to it, but it was such anger and it scared me because I didn't understand it.

As a father - there were times that all of the little things you have to do to take care of small kids, work full time and have a wife work full time that my ager came out and I know I scared my kids so badly. I never physically harmed them (unless you count smacks on the back of the hand and I feel bad about that too now), but the way they describe my face and blood vessels today when it happened, it makes me very ashamed of who I was at the time.

Even my wife has told me that I used to scare her when I got so angry. I didn't do it often, and I never hurt her, but she was scared.

I think they tell me this now, because they see I'm not like that anymore and maybe on some level they now know why - I've told 3 of my 4 kids. We're going to tell the youngest soon.

I really need to tell them I love them more and that I'm sorry for that scary person back then.

Anyway, my point is that as I've gotten healthier the anger boiling underneath has felt less likely to explode out like it has in the past. Maybe you will see the same results over time.
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#443067 - 08/02/13 04:13 PM Re: Pure Emotional Edginess Or Impending Supervolcano? [Re: BraveFalcon]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:39 PM)

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