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#442771 - 07/31/13 02:21 PM Husband lies to himself
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 205
Loc: IDAHO
My husband does two things that make me insane.
First off he rewrites his past words and actions to look like he wasn't at fault. He will give accounts of the way things happened and of what he said that are lies. Is this a defense mechanism because he is so ashamed of his behavior? Does he really believe the lies he tells himself?
Second He avoids all forms of verbal affection. He tells me he loves me once or twice a year. He doesn't give compliments and anytime I text him a sweet message telling Him I miss him when he is away or thanking him for his hard work he never responds. I would think the guy doesn't even like me except for the fact that he does the things I ask him to do, and has stopped a lot of the behaviors I wasn't comfortable with.
I feel like emotionally I have to go it alone. He doesn't want any connection between us. I want to be able to have affectionate exchanges dammit. It's really hurtful and I said something the other night that I think hurt him. We were fighting. He keep saying that he doesn't do feeling because that was how he is raised. I told him to drop the John Wayne act because I see through it and I know that isn't who he is. It's just who he tries to be to impress his parents. He shut down looked like he was going to start crying and wouldn't talk after that.
Maybe I shouldn't have said it but I so fed up with him trying to act tuff and like he doesn't need anybody. Can someone please help me understand?
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#442778 - 07/31/13 04:00 PM Re: Husband lies to himself [Re: HD001]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Hi HD,

I'm sorry you are having a rough time, and while I am a very broken man, I can share what I have experienced in the past, which may be entirely different.

I have always loved my wife, always. The thing is, I also have lived with a lot of self hatred, and for me this means checking out. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is, I have been indifferent in the past. I carry a mountain of guilt on my shoulders, and most of it belongs to someone else, but the indifference and downright meanness I have shown the only person who I can say has ever loved me with with complete certainty, is guilt that I own completely.

I can only say that CSA becomes a prison cell, and what I have come to understand is that the after affects are so similar that I sometimes feel that someone could know more about me than I do simply by reading a book on the subject. We are institutionalized much like inmates, and something has to really drive us to escape. It sucks.

But then at some point, he will escape. He will face the things he has pushed away, and he will hurt. But he will also realize how bad it has truly been. Ripping the stitches off of scarred wounds is painful.

I wish, truly wish, I could go back. But as much as I have put her through, my patient and amazing wife has stuck by me. I know I could not be that strong. I don't have the answers, it all sucks and I wish I could take all the pain away. He is hurting, you are hurting. I wish I could say when he will realize. There are those who escaped much quicker than I did (CH) and others who took a lot more time. I have always loved my wife, but at some point I could not express it. I hope that day comes for you.

All my best,
Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#442805 - 07/31/13 07:09 PM Re: Husband lies to himself [Re: HD001]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
I hear you. I don't know the back-story but I sure hope he is in therapy & maybe you also. It's so needed while walking thru this dreadful house of mirrows. It does take some time for survivors to get to the real truths, BEST with a T w/experience in MS. All the best to you & yours.
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#442984 - 08/02/13 12:18 AM Re: Husband lies to himself [Re: HD001]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi HD oo1,

I recently discussed something along these lines with my friend, abused by 2 people for a few years between ages 5 and 11.

Basically, he said he married his wives (been divorced a couple of times) because he had fun doing things with them. But he didn't like "love." Explicitly, he didn't like "love." To him, love is just disagreeable, people want to touch you, get close to you, and none of that interested him at all. All the talk he found very distasteful.

He very rarely had sex with his wives.

D.
_________________________
Female.

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#443160 - 08/03/13 04:07 PM Re: Husband lies to himself [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 205
Loc: IDAHO
Thanks for the support. Everyone. It helps me feel a lot better when I am reminded that my H isn't the only guy who handles his demons in such a manner. I am a very open blunt person and lying has always been hard for me to understand and not take personally. When H lies to me I feel belittled and insulted like he think I am stupid and don't know the truth. Or in most cases like I don't remember what he did. I think he does carry a lot of shame and guilt. Sometimes I wish I could hug him and melt all that away. I wish for just a moment he could see himself as I see him. I always wonder what is the best ways to help him feel loved and supported.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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