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#442765 - 07/31/13 12:38 PM Get Over It
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
That's a bull sentiment.

My sister said it to me not too long ago. She was overwhelmed and I was certainly overwhelming her. I suppose the most frustrating part of being a supporter is the whimsical nature of our emotional recovery. They're on eggshells and we're on high alert. They don't know what's coming next, nor do we. But we're told the best thing we can do is to talk it out... so we trust, I trust that process. It's worked, for sure.

But it CAN be overwhelming. It absolutely can be overwhelming. So she says "can't you just get over it?"

She immediately apologized, I snapped back to the trapping walls of survivorship and I told her it was okay, that it's okay to be overwhelmed.

But I was also angry... VERY angry that my support system was failing me. FAILING me like my abuser failed me. Fostering silence like my abuser fostered silence.

Today, I felt differently about that very sentiment.

I watched "Perks of Being a Wallflower" and cried at the end, when the parents find out. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Truly uncontrollable, unconsolable, cathartic, healing sobbing. Then my wife scooched over and hugged me. I stopped crying. I was hyperaware that I was sobbing and I suppose I didn't feel safe.

I told my T. He was disappointed, but supportive. He shared his wish with me.... that I'll be able to "cross those bridges." He called it a missed opportunity on my recovery journey. At some point I'll have to get over that bridge. To get over it.

The most unfair part of recovery to me is that I need empathy for those around me, that I have any responsibility for me, my actions and my recovery. It's the hardest thing to accept because it validates an awful truth... I was raped. I live in a world where I was raped. I accept that and I accept that I want a different ending. I have responsibility for me.

So yeah, next time I come across an emotional bridge, I'll do my best to 'get over it.'

I won't forget, suppress, or lie to myself. Getting over that bridge means being open, honest, truthful... and trusting. Getting over it isn't a simple flick of the mindswitch. Getting over it is a terrbily exhausting process. But I'm committed to it.

I guess if I'm being honest with myself, I'm already on an emotional bridge. I'm learning to trust my emotional self.

So yeah, sis, I'll get over it. I'll get over it in a healthy way, the right way.

I now own that phrase.

NEO out.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#442770 - 07/31/13 01:38 PM Re: Get Over It [Re: csasurvivor1992]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3450
Loc: somewhere in Africa
They call it "getting over it."

I say there is no such thing.

You have to "GO THROUGH IT."

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#442804 - 07/31/13 07:05 PM ! [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:11 PM)

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#442808 - 07/31/13 07:41 PM Re: Get Over It [Re: traveler]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 589
This is a nice thread.

Originally Posted By: traveler
They call it "getting over it."

I say there is no such thing.

You have to "GO THROUGH IT."


I think that sums it up well. Can't change what's happened, and what's happened stays in your psyche, unconsciously or subconsciously...and there's no telling when or how they will surface into the conscious. But it will keep happening I think...so the best way I guess is like Lee said, simply to go through it. The quicker and more efficient, the better, so that you can enjoy the better things life has to offer.

Originally Posted By: csasurvivor1992
I have any responsibility for me, my actions and my recovery.


I think that's a harsh truth we have to accept. We can really on others' support from time to time, but at the end of the day, you're responsible for your own recovery. Everyone's got their own path.

Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
It's not enough just to get back on track. We have to figure out where we need to go now.


Future. Looking forward. Thanks for reminding me of this. I sometimes get too engulfed in the written past that I forget about the unwritten future.
_________________________
Husky

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#442810 - 07/31/13 08:08 PM Re: Get Over It [Re: csasurvivor1992]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 287
Loc: MO
Dear csasurtvivor1992 and any others (lee, Gary)

When people say "get over it," in my experience they mean don't
let it bother you any more. Or, it happened a long time ago, don't think about it or dwell on it or let it effect you any more.

Our memories will recur, flashbacks will be experienced, and when that happens the only way to "get over it" is to suppress the emotions that come with it and/or deny it and act like it isn't happening.

We are competent at faking it, we have practice suppressing it. It may be part of the journey, but it does not assist with healing. It is just another way of lying to ourselves.

I am 64 years old. I have not been used sexually since 1969. I have not acted out sexually since 1975 (unless you count masturbating to porn as sexual acting out- I don't). I used booze to suppress all the trauma beginning in 1964 until 1989. On August 1, I will be sober 22 years. I still have not "gotten over it."

It is more than the molestation, oral, and anal rape. It is more than the mistreatment I experienced when I did tell. It is more than learning what we need from therapy. It is more than giving up our delusions and accepting reality. There are parts of our brain that were damaged. We need to construct methods of retrieving memories and emotions. The natural methods and related neurotransmitters have been disturbed and will never be the way they were before the trauma.

Healing is not only grieving the loss and reorganizing the brain. It is also getting normal needs met, like safety.

Will we ever get over it? My experience is no. But I will heal and I will learn to offer love to my grandchildren. Not acting lovingly, but experiencing the mutual love.

We all have different stories but we all are just the same.



Edited by genedebs (07/31/13 08:11 PM)

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#442823 - 07/31/13 09:24 PM Re: Get Over It [Re: csasurvivor1992]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL

Hi Csasurvivor. (Or NEO if you prefer.) I'm sorry to hear about what your sister said to you but I'm glad to hear she apologized. Personally, I've always hated the phrase "get over it". There really is no compassion or need for understanding in that phrase, only judgement, dismissal and invalidation.

I'll never forget my worst memory of that term being used against me. It was back in 1994, the one time I was in therapy for my CSA issues. At this point, I had disclosed to most of my family, including my father and my aunt M, the two people I was riding in my father's car with on the way home from a ballgame when this happened. They all knew what I was going through.

At one point during our ride home, my father said, "I dedicate this song to my son, Ken", then he popped a CD in the CD player and played "Get Over It", by the Eagles at top volume. It pissed me off so badly that in the middle of the song I fantasized about telling them, "Get over this" then jumping out of the vehicle and killing myself as it sped down the interstate doing probably 80 mph. Of course I didn't do that or I wouldn't be here writing this today. No, instead I just stewed silently the rest of the way home. Get over it, my ass! Take care. Peace,

Ken

PS. I like the Eagles but that is a stupid fucking song anyway. Probably their worst as far as I can tell.

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#442869 - 08/01/13 07:44 AM Re: Get Over It [Re: csasurvivor1992]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 605
Loc: one foot out the door
The Eagles are a great band but that song is the product of a group that forgot their struggles. Good music comes from looking inside yourself, bad music comes from pointing fingers at other people. There are a lot of bands that you can trace the moment when they stopped producing good stuff to the moment where they stopped talking about their own trials and started complaining about other people. The irony of ANYONE saying "get over it" is that they are asking you to swallow real pain while at the same time they feel the right to express their annoyance non-stop. If they really believed the "get over it" philosophy, they wouldn't have the need to go around telling everyone else what to do. The very act of demanding that other people not be bothered by something proves its hypocrisy.
_________________________
"These days I just try to keep to myself,
well aware I've lost touch with everyone else.
I understand that I'm fading away."

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#442877 - 08/01/13 08:55 AM Re: Get Over It [Re: csasurvivor1992]
csasurvivor1992 Offline


Registered: 03/25/13
Posts: 132
Loc: Texas
Great feedback. Jacob... truly insightful. Suggesting that anyone who would utter the phrase is truly a hypocrite smile Makes sense for sure.
_________________________
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground, carry on. ~Fun.

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#442895 - 08/01/13 12:44 PM Re: Get Over It [Re: csasurvivor1992]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:32 PM)

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#442944 - 08/01/13 08:22 PM Re: Get Over It [Re: csasurvivor1992]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
NEO- CSASurvivor-

How I wish we had a formula for getting over it. I am like all the others in that there is no getting over it...goi, for short. We can and do lead productive lives, we can and do have families and jobs and become good, functional people. But to "goi" is something we fight everyday.

I won't repeat what everyone has said, but "goi" is a bunch of bull. You just learn to live the best you can. And some days are glorious and some days are straight from the depths of hell. But we are survivors simply because we survived. We made it through then and we are making it through now. And by the grace that is around us, we'll make it through tomorrow.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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