sven dude you are so not alone in this! here is a place of hope and healing. just rest for a bit breathe deeply and know that you are not alone. this was not your fault sven, it never was not matter how it might play in your head that is so important to know as well. I hope that you are in a safe place now and that he cannot harm you further. If not that is something to think hard about you do not deserve to be hurt man. you are not HIS at all you deserve to be safe and well and I hope that you willfind a way to do that
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"