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#442701 - 07/30/13 11:29 PM Yes, Virginia, I have a name- use it.
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
And I do. One of the (whatever we call them...) guys who had me made a concentrated effort to take away my identity as part of their control by failing to use my name on a consistent basis. He may have called me any number of irrelevant names... Jim, or John, or Tim, or Kevin, or Meduca, or Dolly, or bitch, or slutboy, or poorboy, or...... you get the picture. He did it intentionally.

In the book called "Soul Murder", the general theme is that the perpetrator/abuser attempts to destroy what is us- in an effort to gain control. If the "us" is destroyed, it means our soul is destroyed. If our soul is destroyed, that means something else must fill that void. Sometimes we become extensions of the abuser themselves, so dependent upon their desires... again, you get the picture.

I was triggered a couple days ago by a fellow who failed to use my screen name appropriately. The triggering took me swiftly back to episode after episode of this effort to dehumanize me. To control me. To make me nothing more than a guy in servitude sexually. I started to engage in a negative dialogue, ready to scream out, "Hey, you f***! Who do you think....?" But I didn't. I hesitated. And I still didn't. That's ONE for me.... I have grown emotionally.

Two for me.... I have been studying diligently the "Four Agreements"... at least the parts that don't bore me. Upon hesitating to respond to the lack of name thing, I realized that years ago I had made an agreement with myself that the abuser was correct. I was not worthy of having my name used. I accepted the slurs and I accepted that on some level I wasn't worthy of the respect of having my name used.

After a couple days, or whatever length of time it has been, I have made the agreement with myself to break the old agreement. I am worthy of having my name used correctly. Bill isn't such a fucking hard name to remember, is it? Bill. .............. B * I * L * L. For all the world.... Bill. And for my friends on MS... I am ThisMan. Not ThatMan... not "whatever it is".... I am ThisMan. Worthy of dignity and respect.

And for all the world, I am real. I have mentioned this to a couple guys in pm... that I am a real person. After all these years of being in the shadows of shame and guilt and sexual object for others, I want to step out of the shadows, break this agreement and declare for the next couple of days that I AM A REAL PERSON.

I was impressed and touched specifically by Ken and Gary when they shared their actual photos on the site. I knew then that they were real- not that you guys aren't. But I wanted to have that freedom. So I tried to change my avatar to a current small pic, but I couldn't work it out. (Any suggestions?)

I am declaring the following:

*the old name agreement broken
*the name issue to be not my issue any longer, but whomever chooses to abuse it.
*that I am definitely moving forward
*and that I am a real person, worthy of dignity and respect

And my name is Bill. B * i * l * l..... Bill. And may the old s.o.b. who failed to use my name be haunted by it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And each time he opens an envelope to pay a utility, I pray he thinks of what he has done to me. A bill.

Bill. William. Conqueror. Bill... thats me. Billy. A man of the south. Sort of.
(And I will change the avatar within a few days- just thanks for letting me do this)

...I did it. The image is sideways, but it doesn't matter... I did it. Today I feel real! I am for a moment in time the "Velveteen Rabbit".

...Thurs eve... I did it. ...thanks again, everyone.

Edited by ThisMan (08/01/13 07:49 PM)
Edit Reason: to conclude w/out bumping up
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

#442706 - 07/31/13 12:16 AM Re: Yes, Virginia, I have a name- use it. [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3885
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Good one - BILL!

You taught me something here.

A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense to not himself.
Or just as mad.
So there you are.
Stark raving sane.
- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead

#442714 - 07/31/13 01:10 AM Re: Yes, Virginia, I have a name- use it. [Re: ThisMan]
GoldStone Offline

Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Really cool move, man!

And really cool book!


#442730 - 07/31/13 05:36 AM Re: Yes, Virginia, I have a name- use it. [Re: ThisMan]
montecristo Offline

Registered: 03/15/13
Posts: 9
Juba: You have a great name. He must kill your name before he kills you.
“Life is a storm. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout: Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know you”
Alexandre Dumas

#442732 - 07/31/13 07:09 AM Re: Yes, Virginia, I have a name- use it. [Re: ThisMan]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia

First I must say what a strong and solid name it is and that it suits you.

I also had my name taken away from me - my abusers called me poofter, faggot, a sex toy for old men, a flea, Leanne, girl, dirt, piece of sh*t etc etc you get the idea. Then add to that that my real name just happens to be unisex. I have lived my whole life being called the wrong name. So much so that I don't even notice.

And as someone who knows the REAL BILL I am honoured to have met you and now call you my friend.

It is an encouragement to see the zeal with which you strive towards recovery. Keep up the good work.

More than meets the eye!

#442762 - 07/31/13 12:26 PM Re: Yes, Virginia, I have a name- use it. [Re: ThisMan]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:30 PM)

#442806 - 07/31/13 07:16 PM ! [Re: ThisMan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 09:11 PM)

#442807 - 07/31/13 07:22 PM Re: Yes, Virginia, I have a name- use it. [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2189
I apologized once to a girl I met named Ann for calling her the wrong name - which I thought I did. She said I was in fact correct - her name WAS Ann but I get no points for remembering it. I somehow found the wit to recover gracefully on the spot, saying, "Yeah, but I said it with an 'e' at the end."

This is what brings me here

#442827 - 07/31/13 09:45 PM Re: Yes, Virginia, I have a name- use it. [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1227
Loc: The ATL

Hi Bill. Well, I've never doubted you were real. I'm just glad that the more you've posted, the more I've gotten to know the real, real Bill and not just little pieces of him. It's scary to present the real us to the world sometimes with all of our vulnerabilities and insecurities. I have to be honest and admit that while I have shared an adult pic of myself, there are still major parts of myself that I have not shared and probably never will. I share what is safe for me to share and so should everyone else. That doesn't make anybody any less real. I hope that makes sense.

Glad to know you Bill, and glad to be able to use your real name. Take care. Peace,


#442833 - 07/31/13 10:21 PM Re: Yes, Virginia, I have a name- use it. [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 778
Loc: upper south
Thanks for the support everyone. I want to make it clear that this is a personal move for me. I also have so much I haven't shared and never will. I just can't. And I understand why we post the way we do. Please don't think I am criticizing or judging or feeling superior. It is just the opposite. I feel so much further along than I was, but not nearly as complete as most of you.

And even in the fear and uncertainty of my situation, I just have this urgency of need to reclaim something of myself that I lost... and then relost.... or I should say was taken from me. And yet again.

If I weren't afraid myself, I would leave my pic up forever. But I am. I am vulnerable. But maybe if I am seen here, maybe I am safer out here. Just maybe. Gosh, I am doing the circle talk again, but the main thing is that the men of MS know that they have my undying respect and admiration. I know all too well just how real the pain and the violations and the loss of self is - and I also know every man here is real. And my goal is to feel real somewhere way down deep inside. Its a spiritual, emotional move for me....
For now we see through a glass, darkly.

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