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#442670 - 07/30/13 08:00 PM Love and rockets
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 398
Loc: west coast
I am in love with my man, no question

After an amazing weekend together, the other night we missed our normal good nite talk, ( we live apart but spend 2-4 nights together a week) we both fell asleep. I woke in the night and went to the bathroom, didn't check my phone, he had texted around 11 saying he fell asleep.
In the morning he called saying he couldn't sleep all night. He felt I didn't care enough to text back and he was awake 1/2 the night

I was pissed off that he accused me of not caring and I blew the whole thing up. Then he started yelling. I said I don't do yelling and hung up.

We argued later and I totally lost my cool, swore, and threatened to break up. Fireworks ensued. This is my first real relationship, I know I am oversensitive to criticism, and tend to escalate instead of listen. Survivors have such a hard time with boundaries. He is right in saying all couples argue, its how they resolve it. I have been through so much, sweating the small stuff I just cant relate to so he feels his feelings are just brushed off. I thought later what if his motorcycle crashed on the way home and I missed a call or text saying he was not ok, I would have been devastated.

I know this is just a stupid example but in the bigger picture, I just wonder where finally setting boundaries for the first time in my life goes too far and I sabotage what is really something special. I feel so na´ve sometimes. How does a survivor know where to draw the line ?

Nonplussed neophyte homo
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#442718 - 07/31/13 03:05 AM Re: Love and rockets [Re: 1lifenow]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Grant,
well I can only say while in fighting and arguing mode it will be difficult to find some resolution. When couple of people are involved into communication it is much more difficult as we all are setting mutual dynamics and one side can't be at peace while other is nervous, angry and similar. Than we can easily say what we didn't mean and it is much easier to hurt each other.
So if I was in such situation it would be much better for me not to take action or to take something too personal what is said.
I would try to think what is process set behind in background that drove all that action.
Is it some sort of codependency, insecurity, fears and similar - those would be things that I would like to think more about so I would be better prepared next time.
Sometimes only couple of encouraging words would be enough to overcome falling into some fights.
But certainly there is a lot needed to invest in try to avoid transferring own negativity to others.

I hope everything will be alright with you two, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#442763 - 07/31/13 12:31 PM Re: Love and rockets [Re: 1lifenow]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:30 PM)

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#442862 - 08/01/13 05:06 AM Re: Love and rockets [Re: 1lifenow]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Hi Grant,

I'm touched by your post and your desire for greater understanding and balance with your partner. Pero and Geoff offer some great advice on reopening and then keeping that communication always there. I've a feeling you and your love are going to work this out, hope you have an amazing time making up!

Wishing you guys the best,

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#442898 - 08/01/13 12:49 PM Re: Love and rockets [Re: 1lifenow]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:32 PM)

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#443623 - 08/07/13 11:23 AM Re: Love and rockets [Re: 1lifenow]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 398
Loc: west coast
Thanks all for your kind and encouraging words.

Silly survivor, thinking that I have all the responsibility for what happens in a relationship.

I miss the mark when I think there is a place to draw the line. It moves, but ironically not in a George Kastanza kind of way. It just has to be fluid, cuz sometimes I am just bitchy like any other human being and sometimes its just a matter of accepting that I am not responsible for the other persons feelings or behavior. That's a tough one, we tend to feel its us that has that weight of all things on our shoulders.

Ended up having one of the best weekends of my life. My sons baseball team won the championship for our province(state) and we are off to the nationals. My family was there, my man was there and many in our community. Coming out to more people and getting nothing back but acceptance and one sideways head tilt,lol.

Plus it was pride weekend in our city, the fifth largest in the world, over 600,000 people in support of the lgbtq. We attended a few events and had a wonderful time. My best gay friend the minister had his partner here from north Carolina, who just was overwhelmed. His state does not allow any gay events. WTF?
http://dailyxtra.com/vancouver/news/video-vancouvers-2013-pride-parade?market=210

Thanks again boys. Its a work in progress, boundaries are what make me finally see that I have some control over where things go but its na´ve to think I have it all or none.

Happy Pride
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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