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#442705 - 07/31/13 12:04 AM Intro, sorry it's very long
StillSearching Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 4
Loc: VA
Hello guys.

I want to start off by saying that I donít really know if what Iíve been through fits the definition of abuse, but I have looked for a long time to find a place where I can get some off this awfulness that I feel out of my head.

I am 34 and I was only ever sexually assaulted once, at age 13 by four boys my own age. The attack involved a broom handle and a tube of icy hot when I was at a basketball camp. Long before this however I went through a ton of simply physical assaults and mental torture at school.

By the middle of my 8th grade year I no longer used a locker, I carried all of my stuff in a very large duffle bag because people would slam my hands and fingers in my locker, also it was a way that I could avoid having a place that people knew where they could find me. I guess you would call what was happening to me bullying, but it seemed a lot worse than that to me. For the last couple of years there has been a large anti-bullying campaign going on the US, the thing is all the resources that the organizations provide seem to be for people going through it now, not years ago, and I havenít been able to find any place like this until just a couple of days ago. I apologize in advance because I know this post is going to be quite long, there is just so much I want to let out without the means to do so for a long time.

I was raised in a very religious Baptist household in the Appalachian Mountains, and for the longest part of my life was a devout Christian as well. The torment in school began because of my beliefs and moral outlook in about 4th grade. After the sexual assault I never tried to compete in any sports again. I had a hard time being a part of anything really, though I was in band for my junior and senior years. I would escape into books whenever I could, and faced ridicule at home, mostly from my father, because I spent so much time reading.

I know that I may not have gone through the kinds of abuse that most of you guys have, but I am wondering if some of what I feel might be similar? I have only ever had one girlfriend, and that was for about 2 months my freshman year of college. I have tried several times to get into the social scene, but honestly the rejection and humiliation I have experienced the few times I have tried is emotionally crushing. So here I am, a 34 year old virgin who is absolutely terrified of other people.

When I was 27 I finally had a complete breakdown and was hospitalized 3 times over the course of 6 months for a total of about 33 days. Since then I have been admitted to various facilities about 11 times, once after a suicide attempt. They first diagnosed me with major depression, then later bipolar disorder, one psychiatrist who had me go through ect (electro convulsive therapy) said that he thought I had ptsd, but he left the area shortly after to practice in another state. I donít have a lot of options where I live for help, though I see a therapist, I can only get in to see her about once every 2-3 months, there just arenít enough in the area to serve the population.

Sometimes I think I am beginning to get past some of the issues I have faced, then something will trigger some part of me and I just lose it. Sometimes I just begin crying uncontrollably, others I feel just waves of anger and guilt that I have no idea what to do with. I read enough and researched enough that I KNOW that there is nothing to feel guilty about, what happened was not my fault. BUT there is a difference between knowing something is true and having FEEL true. The biggest obstacle I am facing right now, besides dealing with the past, is the fact that I have no support system whatsoever. My family has basically abandoned me. When I first started getting help they were very supportive and wanted to be there for me. That didnít last very long, less than two years, mostly because I lost my belief in god. I am not going to go into thought process led me to that place, I donít think this is a forum for religious debate, just suffice it to say that so long as I have ďturned my back on godĒ they are not going to have anything to do with me.

There is a lot more I could say and go into greater detail about but this is too long as it is. I just really wish I had someone who at least wanted to understand what I have been through and the struggle I am currently going through trying to deal with it. Even if they could actually understand it, just knowing they caring enough to want to would be nice. I feel alone even when I am in a crowd, itís like there is an imaginary bubble that separates me from the rest of humanity that I just canít seem to pierce.

I donít want to be like this, I didnít ask for these things to happen but to them itís somehow my fault, and Iím tired of hurting.

Sorry for the overly long intro, I hope that I have not come to the wrong place to find answers, it is just that there doesnít seem to be a right place.

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#442708 - 07/31/13 12:28 AM Re: Intro, sorry it's very long [Re: StillSearching]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Still searching-
You are not in the wrong place.
You are exactly where you belong.
You definitely were abused.
Many guys here will identify with various details of your story.
I am one.
Welcome!
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#442712 - 07/31/13 12:51 AM Re: Intro, sorry it's very long [Re: StillSearching]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
StillSearching,

There's no doubt it was abuse, and I'm so sorry no one helped you.

There are studies now saying 10% of high school boys will ADMIT to having been sexually assaulted as part of some athletic hazing. It's an epidemic of evil.

I believe if you devote yourself to recovery you can feel better. We are all on your side.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#442715 - 07/31/13 01:34 AM Re: Intro, sorry it's very long [Re: StillSearching]
1.healing Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio

Welcome StillSearching,

You're in the right place and as we say here, I'm sorry that you have to be. You shouldn't have been abused by those boys and then later abandoned by your family for developing problems, not right or fair.

The level of our abuse can't be measured by the number of times it happened to us, in your case one sexual assault, and multiple bullying attacks both physical and verbal. All those things take a toll on the victim, they damage our confidence, self esteem, sense of safety and belonging, and even our trust and faith in a Higher Power or God,(for some that may be freeing for others devastating). I remember what a friend who was a therapist once told me; Abuse is abuse, is abuse! The abuse may take different forms but it has the same damaging effect across the board, trauma is the same no matter how you slice it. You've been through it, you qualify to be here amongst others who know and understand your sexual abuse and bulling experience.

You've come to one of the right places to heal. Take your time finding your way around and learning about the many resources here. Again, welcome to MS and all the best on your healing journey. You're not alone anymore and that's a wonderful beginning!

Hope to see you around,

Gary / 1.healing
_________________________
"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

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#442748 - 07/31/13 10:53 AM Re: Intro, sorry it's very long [Re: StillSearching]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
Brother I am so sorry for your assault it sounds horrible. I am glad you found this place it has helped me heal
_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#442779 - 07/31/13 04:04 PM Re: Intro, sorry it's very long [Re: StillSearching]
StillSearching Offline


Registered: 07/29/13
Posts: 4
Loc: VA
Thanks for the acceptance guys, it's really more than I thought I'd ever get. To be honest I had a hard time checking back today to see what was said, I guess that kind of anxiety is normal, still doesn't make it feel good though. I am very grateful to have found a community that won't judge.

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#442839 - 07/31/13 10:48 PM Re: Intro, sorry it's very long [Re: StillSearching]
peacemaker67 Offline


Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 45
Loc: WI
hey man,
I want you to know I found this place like 3 years ago, but was too afraid to come here and at that time couldn't bare my soul. Since then about 2 years ago I found myself in a major crisis/breakdown and found the need to "bare all". This started in a hospital facility where I got some help with a sexual abuse counselor for the first time in my life at the age of 42. I also have bipolar disorder and OCD. Not to make this too long, but I also went through the hazing/bullying stage with some classmates at a young age of 9/10 and since other sexual abuse and a story that could closely follow what you went through. I can honestly say that I feel healed more now than I ever have and am glad MS is here and it is some place I don't shy away from too easily anymore; a year ago I couldn't say that though, so this shows over time things can and do change. Stay here my friend; I applaud your bravery to share and do not be ashamed, you are now a MaleSurvivor. Hope to see you around.
Steve, peacemaker67
_________________________
-Love is love when it is free; love is love when others don't feed on you as a "need". If we reach one person with betterment, and in turn that one reaches another, what power we have to change the world."

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#442929 - 08/01/13 05:59 PM Re: Intro, sorry it's very long [Re: StillSearching]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 06:36 PM)

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#442933 - 08/01/13 06:31 PM Re: Intro, sorry it's very long [Re: StillSearching]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11183
Loc: Denver, CO
StillSearching, welcome to Malesurvivor. Sorry you have to be here, but it's good you found us.
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#443264 - 08/04/13 06:17 PM Re: Intro, sorry it's very long [Re: StillSearching]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3583
Loc: O Kanada
StillSearching,

keep searching.
this is a good place to look.

you will find many things you need on this website.
ms.org has been very good to me.

your story really moved me.
i took the time to read it in the right frame of mind.
it hurts to hear that stuff, but it also helps me put my own experiences and emotions into some framework.
even when the actions don't match, the reactions do.
also, i am willing to bet that you feel better getting it out.

i am honoured that you have decided to share your story with me.

welcome.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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