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#442699 - 07/30/13 11:19 PM Insight from ALL please
Joy Offline


Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Maryland
My Bf has just begun recovery. He had a period of acting out that involed porn & allowing a toxic female to send inappropriate texts from Oct into Jan which led to regular sex with an even more toxic female from Jan to June. During that time he was drinking to excess. He harmed himself so seriously in the acting out he hasn't even begun to delve into the issues of his childhood abuse. He's currently recovering from his recent self-abuse.

He has his ok days and his down days. I try to stay as consistent and loving as possible (thankful for my shrink & amazing friends)but we all know this is his journey & I'm just supporting the best I can.

On days when he's down he has said things that are really disturbing. A week or so ago when I complained about a noisey pet he suggested we use a ball gag on her. Before the acting out he would never have said such a thing. When he said it all I could think of was the dozens of porn images of his I had found. I told him that what he'd said was unnecessary & disturbing. He didn't reply.

Today when we were talking about ways to earn extra income he said he could be a male escort. I told him that was a terrible idea to which he replied "You know there are services that do it legally." My response was "That is the worst idea, you should never do that."

While I was calm on the outside on the inside I was thinking WTF?!?!?

Are these serious warning signs that he's revving back up, is he testing me or is this the kind of thing that happens when a survivor in early recovery fresh off a serious episode of acting up is feeling down?

If you think it's a warning I will confront him, but if it's just talk I'm hesitant to make it bigger than it is because he is SUPER defensive these days. One thing I won't do is ignore it.

Thanks
Joy






Edited by Joy (07/30/13 11:31 PM)

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#442962 - 08/01/13 10:01 PM Re: Insight from ALL please [Re: Joy]
Wife - Survivor Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 38
Loc: PA
Wow ! So much going on in your life - maybe too much & I read you are a Mom? You asked for input so I'll try to be very nice. You are in Deep my dear. You are being treated very poorly. You have a T - ask him/her. I fear your safety, or receiving honesty or a long lasting & Healthy relationship. Your mate needs years of T - can you wait w/no guarantees ? Pls take care of Yourself FIRST.
_________________________
Everyone DESERVES Recovery, IF they WANT it.
Anything worth it, takes mucho Time & Willingness.

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#442969 - 08/01/13 10:30 PM Re: Insight from ALL please [Re: Joy]
black dove Offline


Registered: 05/09/13
Posts: 15
Loc: FL
Hi Joy, I'm so sorry you are living through this - but I know, in a way, what you're going through. May I ask how long you've been together? Whether he's baiting you or scorning himself by saying those things, it sounds like it's not ok with YOU. And I agree with Wife-Survivor, you've got to take care of yourself first (and I know how impossible that feels). I was married for ten years before I found out about my husband's secret life of acting out and his CSA. Many times in the almost three years since, I have thought about leaving. This may sound harsh, but if I had known how awful it was going to be before I got married, I would have just stayed friends.

My husband has been in recovery and therapy for a year now and it's still just the tip of the ice-berg. He is the love of my life and I can see that precious child inside who was so badly hurt. Perhaps you do too. But you have to have boundaries in place to protect yourself. And if your gut instinct tells you that something is wrong, trust it. I agree, your therapist is the one who can best guide you, but we are here to offer whatever we can from our experience.
_________________________
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

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#443006 - 08/02/13 05:18 AM Re: Insight from ALL please [Re: Joy]
Joy Offline


Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Maryland
Thank you for your input ladies. We've been together 4 1/2 years. He has been with his T just 2 months now so he is at the beginning of what promisses to be a long, rocky road.

I appreciate the reminders to care for myself. I try to do something for myself every day because I know how important it is to not lose myself in his process.

Will I be able to stick it out with him? Like you black dove, he is the love of my life (loved me very well before the acting out) & I clearly see the wounded child within. He is taking his recovery very seriously, is taking responsibility for the way he hurt me when he hurt himself but those 2 remarks really seemed like red flags it's just that so often with survivors what seems 1 way may mean exactly the opposite, like when they detach.

Thank you again,
Joy

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#443162 - 08/03/13 04:39 PM Re: Insight from ALL please [Re: Joy]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Joy

I can relate to the saying disturbing things. My H has started to do this recently. It is hard to know how to react but I agree that you shouldn't ignore it. I wonder if it is their way of testing the waters to see how you react. My H once said something really disturbing and I wanted to freak out at him but instead I calmy said. "Is that what someone did to you?" He freaked out and started sobbing like I have never seen and told he to shut up. I don't know if that was the right way to handle what he said but it definatly gave me some insight.
I can tell when H is headed towards a self destructive period because he starts drinking and becomes less affectionate and more defensive. I've made him aware of the pattern I see in his behavior and when I see him start to spiral I make him aware and offer to let him talk. At this point he usually won't tell me what's going on in his head but will let me give him a back rub to help him relax. Sometimes I suggest ways he could go blow off steam besides drinking. Over time he has become more receptive to taking my suggestions but it has taken a lot of patience. When he used to come home after drinking I would ask him if he felt better or if the problem was fixed now. It never fixes it and I think he is realzing that.
You are right that this is his journey but you in turn are going through you own journey. I can tell you that for me over that last 6 years it has been quite an adventure. I have learned a lot about myself and what my strengths and weaknesses are. Not matter what happens with your relationship the experience of loving a survivor will change you. It can tear you apart and leave you disillusioned with life or it can make you stronger and more compassionate and realize you own potential as a human to love and grow. It is up to you which direction to take. And in my cases somedays I'm not very positive but I do my best. It took me some time to realize that H wasn't the only one who had changed over time I had as well. In my case we are both slowly becoming better people and that why I stick at it even though it is VERY hard sometimes. Thanks for posting and if you discover any insight with your BF I would love to hear about it.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#443884 - 08/09/13 09:52 PM Re: Insight from ALL please [Re: Joy]
Joy Offline


Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Maryland
HD001
Your post really helped a lot thank you. There's a lot going on with us right now so it's hard to write about it but I will say that my gut was right. He had relapsed a few times with the porn. Just like you being able to recognize things with your H I have been with my bf long enough to recognize when things aren't right. I lovingly, non-judgmentally confronted him about it. He was very defensive at first and now he has gone into retreat mode.

I have told him he needs to talk to his T about this but right now he is refusing. I can tell he knows that he needs to address this but he is letting his fear run the show. I'm giving him the time out that he needs but will bring up talking to his T about it until he does.

Anyway,
Thank you again
Joy

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#443890 - 08/09/13 10:48 PM Re: Insight from ALL please [Re: Joy]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Hi: Just thought I would give a view form the side of a H and survivor. Keep in mind this is just my experience and view form this side. I know and understand that it was hard for my wife to deal with all the issues I have had and things I, we , have had to deal with, It has taken me close to four years of working with a T that has experience with working with survivors. I have had to think things thru, sometimes this took time. As I progressed I slowly moved to a better place, and I do mean slowly. Part of my experience were very hard to digest and accept. It just did not happen over night. I thank God that my wife helped me thru this process, We have grown closer. I know this will not be the case in every relationship. We all have to draw boundaries as we see fit. It was very, very hard for both, I would suggest each in a relationship work with a T and give it some time, how much is an individual decision. I wish all the best. There is a better place it just takes time, work , willingness.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#443915 - 08/10/13 05:41 AM Re: Insight from ALL please [Re: Joy]
woundedowl Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 31
Loc: Coastal NC
hi Joy, I can totally relate to your bfs struggles, and am sorry for your situation. You have a long road ahead and if your in be in it for the whole journey.....i have struggled with porn, acting our and causing my wife grief with the issues that came out of being used obsessivly for my entire childhood. I struggle with substance abuse too. Its just so hard to be and feel this way. There are so many feelings that are so powerful and the needs are insatiable...for me it seems going back to the abuse is what it is.....and numbing out from it at the same time cause its so horrible. making peace with the past seems impossible..if hes that needy then perhaps joining him in his dark sexuality may work best....costumes, role play....verbal excitement....get in touch with him....emotionally too i think...my wife and i have been struggling for 28 years, now she is tired and is on the verge of dumping me cause of my problems, emotionally and sexually...i have not acted out with a person but porn is an ongoing obsession.....and the porn that im drawn to depicts what happened during my abuse....the passion in him needs redirection...find a new way to satisfy his needs, be the person that learns about him and truly loves him and dont break him like my wife has me.....she said she does not want to be married to me anymore...and her support i believed in with all my heart, im crushed, shes ok but were working through it...i know im a mess and difficult but now i hate myself even more...abused and used as a boy, then punised for it for the rest of my life....rescue him somehow, its only gonna keep being a problem and the neurotic behaviors only get worse as we get older...dont be mad at me for posting....its just so close to my life long struggle and i care for the man i read about because i understand how he must feel......thanks,
w.owl

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#444119 - 08/12/13 04:34 PM Re: Insight from ALL please [Re: Joy]
Joy Offline


Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Maryland
Wounded Owl,
Thank you for your insight. Although I cannot see the value in acting out things he is drawn to in porn since like you, the images stem from his abuse I greatly apreciate the window you've given me during a time when he is shutting me out.

At this point I plan to stick with him even though I feel like he is regularly testing me (almost daring me) to leave him. Extreme insecurity & fear I will??

Can you suggest a way that I can let him know that I won't leave him without causing him to retreat further? Right now whenever I'm loving& supportive he tells me there must be strings attached & I am a complete loss as to how to convince him otherwise. When he accuses me of "having an agenda" I honestly ell him my agenda is for him to be happy. I feel like he's projecting his abuser, especially the most recent one, onto me. When I tell him to stop he will at that time but then does it again the next day.

Any advice you can give me would be very much appreciated.
Thanks,
Joy

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#444121 - 08/12/13 04:42 PM Re: Insight from ALL please [Re: Joy]
Joy Offline


Registered: 07/18/13
Posts: 8
Loc: Maryland
Pittsburgh,
The reminder to be patient is an important one. He was abused for many years so it's going to take a long time for him to learn new & better ways.

Right now like I put in the post above I'm struggling with how to support him without pushing his fear buttons.

Thank you for reminding me that this needs to take a long time.
Joy

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#444146 - 08/12/13 10:23 PM Re: Insight from ALL please [Re: Joy]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Thank you for you kind words, this is what we do on here, support each other. I did not notice where you said whither either of you are working with a therapist or is he at least in AA to address that issue. One of my ways that I was helped was that I was open enough to discuss what happened with my wife, sometimes I could be quite open other days I just wanted to pretend it was not there. I would also suggest you find a therapist, find on that has worked with male survivors. You will also need a support system. Perhaps Al-non. I also suggest you know your bounties and be safe. It has taken me four years to get to this point and I know it is not done. One last thought, Is there a survivor group in your area?, I am going to a survivor weekend this coming weekend. These are just some thoughts. All my best.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#444856 - 08/20/13 09:02 PM Re: Insight from ALL please [Re: Joy]
woundedowl Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/10
Posts: 31
Loc: Coastal NC
Im sorry your struggling, I am too, and I think I understand your bfs perspective somewhat. I've had some problems with my wife lately and she expressed some ugly feelings towards me and it hurt very much ......now I have a harder time than ever believeing that she loves me and that she will stay with me, even though she tells me and im supossed to trust and believer her, and logically I do.....but I feel so horible about myself that its hard to imagine why she would even love me......I know she does in my mind but I think in some ways I dont know how to be loved because it does not feel like abuse or manipulation and so it confuses me, then I realize that the most evident sign of her love is her feet, there still in my house. She said ugly mean things, let me know how difficult my abused broken self can be to handle and was not sure if she wanted to be married to me anymore.......I cut my wrists on our 28th anniversary while she was spending the weekend at her aunt and uncles thinkinbg things through It was bad, I survived and she is home......he sees where you are, with him, he should know at least in his mind that you love him. Part of love is longsuffering....she has suffered long with me and I with her. We have a long way to go and Im still so crushed that I need lots of reasurances and Id like a lot more little signs of love and affection just to be reminded that she still loves me even if Im a messed up person in many ways. What really needs to happen is I need to and he needs to learn to love ourselfs. I am working on being stronger and she is working on loving and tolerating me......I knolw she loves me but I hurt so damn bad inside that i do have to ask her at times does she love me, a little or a lot? He and I need much validation. It is so hard to feel lovable when used and abused like a worthless ragdoll, then threatend and hurt into silence. I thought I was going to die, I though I deserved to die cause I caused all of my abuses he said so.....how could I feel worthy of love......if you love me i may ask what is so wrong with you trhat you love something so trashy and used as me.....I believe you love your bf, I believe my wife loves me....but I dont feel worthy and I dont know how to be loved, perhaps he does not either. I have been difficult for my wife because of all of the damage in my life. I know your bf is difficult on you.....all you can do is educate yourself so you can understand him as much as youcan so you never get tired and throw him away like my wife almost and may still do to me. I hope I helped, Im so sorry we are so hard to love cause I know I want to feel loved so bad that I weep over it but I still mess it all up. I hope he can see your heart for him. You are in a delicate situation with a person who could eaisly be emotionally destroyed as I have been, if you are not careful....sorry its that way, just saying.........and I know you are an important person with feelings and needs that are probably hard for him to see at times, but I know and understand your part too.....love
woundedowl


Edited by woundedowl (08/20/13 09:10 PM)

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