Time to introduce myself. It's a bit long because it deals with my abuse, it's consequences for my sexual health, and the beginnings of my recovery.
My parents divorced when I was four years old. My father started sexually abusing me almost immediately. He was also constantly suing my mother for minor issues in an attempt to get more time with me. I became friends with a neighbor girl one year older than I was. One of my earliest memories is of him making us pretend to have sex with each other. He liked molesting the neighbor girl more than me, so every time I was at his apartment, he made me invite the neighbor girl over so that he could molest her, and he would have me go into another room. I would hear them in the next room and hear him bribing her with computer games to give him sexual favors. Though I could not see them, it was very clear what they were doing. It was clear to me that my father preferred her over me, and that caused feelings of jealousy and devaluation. I got the message that I was not even good enough for abuse.
This continued for about three years. During that time, the girl and I also "played doctor" independently, but because my father had exposed us both to sex, it was more like my first sexual relationship. We hid the relationship from her mother and my father.
When I was seven years old, my father got a girlfriend who was clearly mentally handicapped. She and he had been in a relationship for a few months when he convinced her to become sexually active with the neighbor girl. As always they had me invite her over, then they openly acted out with her in front of me. My father invited me to join them and I said "no". They decided to go to the bedroom and he again invited me and I again refused. He came out afterwards and told me it was very important that I never tell anyone what I saw. That was when I first started to realize just how much my values were being violated.
I remember some television commercial coming on late at night with a spokesperson (I remember it being Ron Reagan) talking about victims of child sex abuse coming forward and telling a trusted adult. I made the decision to tell my mom after watching that commercial, but it took me almost a full week to get up the courage to tell her. I felt completely helpless and powerless. I didn't know what my mom could do to help me, but I had to tell her. She called her lawyer and he said it would take time to do the paperwork and that I would have to go back for one more visitation. That last visitation was just awful. I refused to get the neighbor girl, and he left me alone, but it was still terrifying.
I remember having to retell and relive the story countless times as part of the investigation. The neighbor girl confirmed everything I told. He went to jail for two years of a four-year sentence and was on parole for a long time afterwards.
From the age of seven, after stopping visitation with my father, I began acting out sexually. I turned from a promising student to a dullard with emotional problems. I would go outside late at night and disrobe, or expose myself to boys in my neighborhood. The boy next door and I had many sessions of show me yours across a fence. I became obsessed with the activity and with seeing more of him. Every time I saw him I would expose myself. At 11 I learned to masturbate. I broke into the apartment upstairs, wearing just underwear, and disrobed. They returned home through one door, and luckily I was able to escape, unseen, through another door.
I started acting out, sexually, in more and more inappropriate ways.
Entering Junior High School at age 12, I was very attracted to and obsessed with the girls in my class, but I had a painful shyness and self-devaluation that did not allow me to develop a healthy relationship with any of them. I fell into a relationship with a boy my age. He pursued me. Looking back, it is clear to me that he was sexually addicted. We continued our relationship until he told a mutual friend about the two of us. Fairly soon my entire class knew, and my social life was in shambles due to the "gay" label.
At age 13 my family moved to another town. I actually got a few male friends my age, and had normal friendly relationships with them. I began to go to therapy sessions with my father in an attempt to reconcile with him and the abuse
At age 14, a 16 year old girl at summer camp got me drunk so she could take my virginity. We did not use any protection and I was scared out of my wits of pregnancy. I had to tell her the next day that I did not feel attraction toward her. What should have been an enjoyable experience was made intensely awkward and uncomfortable.
my father and I began sessions with a therapist where I was able to confront him and get some sense of closure. He passed away when I was 14, so I was not able to continue the reconciliation process.
I fumbled through high school, fantasizing about my classmates and treating girls as sex objects. I made many unwanted sexual advances to female peers. When they rarely succeeded, I did not hide them. I remember having a full make-out session in a well-trafficked area in broad daylight. I fondled two female friends' breasts without any kind of consent or preparation. One seemed to forgive me but the other spread the word to her friends that I was "dangerous". I had two more homosexual experiences around this time that were compulsive, brief and unfulfilling.
My senior year, I started a long-distance relationship with a girl my age, whom I had met and had everything but sex with while she was dating someone else. She broke up with him to be with me. We got engaged as an excuse to have sex at will. She cheated on me, and brought me to participate in a foursome to make it up to me. I continued to have unprotected sex with her after she had cheated. Our relationship revolved around sex. No wedding plans were made before the relationship ended.
I eventually went to college. I had various unemotional flings in college. I had sex with a polyamorous woman while visiting home one summer. She got pregnant and thought I was the father. I was living in off-campus housing and had stopped answering my phone or email, engaged entirely with internet porn, masturbation, and chain smoking. One addiction was feeding the other, until I got asthmatic bronchitis and the doctor said I would die if I kept up the same smoking habit I stopped chaing smoking and increased the porn. The polyamorous woman gave birth and called my mother to "give her the good news". My mom had to drive out to my college because I was still ignoring communication. She found me a wreck and dragged me to have a DNA test, which turned out to be negative. Thank God for small favors.
I got obsessed with the fantasy of playing the role of a child and having a loving relationship with a minor-attracted man. I thought if I could recreate my childhood experiences in a postive way, that I would stop obsessing over other sex. I sought out minor attracted men on the internet and started having chats, web cam sessions, and eventually phone calls with them. I had 20 to 25 minor-attracted men that I would regularly cyber with. I also started virtual relationships with two women from chat sites. One of them sent me nude pictures and I sent her nude pictures of me. These relationships thrilled me, and some of them seemed loving, but rather than come close to curing me, they only added another wrinkle, and increased risk, to my sexual addiction.
I eventually started a healthy monogamous relationship with a very nice and understanding woman, and it led to our marriage.
A few years into our marriage, I saw a film that was a huge trigger for me and I lapsed into intense anxiety followed by deep depression. I was unable to function and I saw a doctor. She prescribed medication and recommended I seek therapy. The two made it possible for me to see my problem clearly and to begin to seek help. I joined a sex addiction recovery program. I fully disclosed my sexual desires and acting out behaviors to my wife. She has been understanding and supportive, if not accepting, and that has been a key to my recovery.
I asked my wife for help with limiting my access to acting out places and websites. With her help, I felt a little more powerful over my addiction. I blocked my primary dangerous acting out places. I deleted the chat accounts with my acting out contacts. That was very hard to do. I asked my wife to delete the two women from my telephone contacts, because I felt powerless to do so. As I lost access to my most common and dangerous tools for acting out, I started finding others to replace them. I was again powerless over my insidious addictive behavior. Again, with her help, I was able to block the new sites. This pattern has repeated a few times.
A month ago, I discovered Malesurvivor.org. I hope it will help me to find productive methods of recovery and a positive outlet for the pain of my childhood trauma. I don't blame my trauma for my sexual escapades, but I do understand that it is the root cause of them. I am not responsible for my abuse or my desires, but I am responsible for recovering from them.