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#435939 - 05/27/13 04:22 AM Re: At what age did you become a survivor? [Re: Muldoon]
Publius Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 396
Loc: OH
A little less than twenty years after my abuse ended I became a survivor at the age of 26.
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#435941 - 05/27/13 04:50 AM Re: At what age did you become a survivor? [Re: Muldoon]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3132
Loc: O Kanada
20 and then again at 27 and then again at 31 and then again at 35 and then again at 42 and then again at 50. good times bad times. starting over gets easier every time.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#435943 - 05/27/13 07:34 AM Re: At what age did you become a survivor? [Re: Muldoon]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Wow, a whole ton of people who posted here for years and years and then phased it out of their lives and stopped. That makes me happy to see that they could move on and no longer needed the resource.

I was violently abused age 8 by a playground / hall monitor at my school. I had vague and meaningless concepts of this from as of a few months later, but didn't feel anything and so chose to ignore it. Developed some pretty classic symptoms over the years but never put the puzzle together. Finally had full emotional / experiential recall at 34, sought help and started telling people for the first time.

Subsequently I have had to admit to myself that the "bully protection agreement" with major strings attached that I had with a "friend" from about 12-15 counted as abuse too. I never recognized it as such at the time since I sought out his protection and consented to his form of payment. This one is less traumatic than the event at 8 by countless orders of magnitude - more gross, creepy, and embarrassing. Funny thing, I can tell people about the violent event because its "not my fault" but I have never told anyone about the nonviolent years because I had made a deal for it. My therapist knows the gist of it but only here have I really let it out.

So I guess I became a survivor at 34 though its still an ongoing restoration process.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#435955 - 05/27/13 10:22 AM Re: At what age did you become a survivor? [Re: SoccerStar]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1093
Loc: The ATL

I first disclosed to a friend of mine at 18, so I guess that's when you could say I became a survivor. After that, I spent a year and a half in therapy and some healing took place. Since then I have not been in therapy and have just had to find little bits and pieces of healing when and where I can with progress coming slow, if at all. Peace,

Ken

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#435984 - 05/27/13 01:14 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor? [Re: Muldoon]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1287
My abuse started as soon as I turned thirteen. The molester was 15-16 and a serial abuser. He got caught for molesting mostly little girls. My mom confronted me about it - I think I was barely fourteen - and I admitted to her I was a victim, pleading with her not to let dad know my shame. And the result?

Nothing.

After that, I was asked to still be his friend and keep him from the girls. But I told my mom - she knew! So why were they throwing me back to him?

My abuse continued for months - even years - at greater frequency and intensity after the day I became - by your definition - a "survivor".

Years later as an adult, I confronted my mom and asked her why. Why did she let me go back to him if she heard me admit he was molesting me?

And she didn't remember a thing. I just saw her turn ashen. "You were ... molested?," she asked.

I think she completely blocked it out - her memory of my admission buried so deep she couldn't recall it - because (and I truly believe this) she couldn't bear the idea of it. The admission happened, though. No question. I was sitting on the basement barstool watching my little brown loafers kick at the air, staring at the orange and yellow shag rug because I couldn't look her in the face. I was crying. "Don't tell dad! PLEASE! Don't tell dad!" While staring at the very spot on the rug that I and so many others were shamed.

My mom didn't remember. And I just kept the shame and secrecy to myself.

It stayed buried until my dad died. Therapy, ostensibly for unrelenting grief tinged with despair and regret, uncovered the all the elaborate lies I had told myself of my own past. That was the first time I realized and truly admitted to myself that I was "molested". The scale of the mess was so huge I couldn't even fathom it - it was so much easier to go back into my constructs of fantasy about it all. But I did enough work to lay a foundation of so-called recovery, then shelved it to concentrate on a graduate professional degree for four years. So while I didn't fully scale that cliff - I bivouacked on it.

Two years after I graduated, I got an email from one of those girls. She wanted to thank me for "saving her" from him - a role I assumed quite frequently. She told me I was her hero - that her family may never have happened if I had not stepped in that day. And so I became a "survivor" again.

If you ever want to take this back to your reps, Tom Muldoon, and if they want me to place my hand on a bible and testify, you just PM me. Because I'll come out there and do just that. I swear.
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#442146 - 07/25/13 03:41 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor? [Re: Muldoon]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Thanks guys for sharing. The one thing we all have is that in most cases things began to get better once we dealt with the abuse. I waited 42 years and that was bad for me.

Tom
_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#442180 - 07/25/13 10:00 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor? [Re: Muldoon]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 592
Loc: VA
As some others have posted above, I became a survivor as soon as the CSA episode ended--the summer I turned 7 years old. That survival strategy collapsed 35 years later when I was 42, and I began Phase 2, with the therapies, pills, groups, etc. So far it has been another 19 years. Some things have gotten better, others not.

John

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#442367 - 07/27/13 02:36 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor? [Re: Muldoon]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 415
Loc: USA
I guess I figure at age 5 or 6 when it started, as I am still here, healing, and did not totally fall for all of the lies and stuff.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#442369 - 07/27/13 02:46 PM Re: At what age did you become a survivor? [Re: Muldoon]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1391
Loc: California
I was 6 or 7 when the confusing sexual stuff happened. But I was severely neglected from birth - so - as a result of coming to MS, I realized I had to reset my "when the trauma started" date. It started before birth.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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