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#442303 - 07/27/13 02:02 AM I am a Lemon. **Possible Triggers**
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
A


Edited by mattheal (09/20/13 09:35 PM)
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#442307 - 07/27/13 02:26 AM Re: I am a Lemon. **Possible Triggers** [Re: mattheal]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3524
Loc: O Kanada
you are right in the thick of things.
stay strong.
i wish i could tell you more.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#442315 - 07/27/13 04:20 AM Re: I am a Lemon. **Possible Triggers** [Re: mattheal]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 614
Loc: where the shadows lie
These are my thoughts. I don't feel like I'm in a place right now where I have the right to try to help anyone, so I don't have any answers. But what you said sounded like me in some places.

I also have weird memory issues. Always have, especially when I'm stressed. Really bad with names too, even the names of people I love. Its a terrible image seeing the face of your nephew when you can't remember his name and he knows it.

A lot of what I do is also secondary emotions. What I mean is there is so much coping and repressing on the top layer I don't know who I would be if it wasn't for that. But its there now, so it can't be discounted. Take John Darnielle. A lot of his songs come from his pain. But that makes his songs more real, not less. The responses we learned are a part of us now and if we can learn to not them do it will be by understanding them and recognizing their purpose so we can find another route to the same goal.

People say "you have to stop being angry." I don't know if that's true. I don't want to be angry. I spent a long long time believing in not being angry. It only made me more angry. People failed me. People failed you.

Destroy the things you need to destroy. For me I hit a point where I had to be careful about that though. Things can help us investigate memories. But ultimately, of course, you need to be in control of those decisions.

Neither of those diagnoses sound like a lunatic to me.

Triggers . . . triggers . . . how to identify triggers? What I do when I get triggered: I recognize I am upset. I try to banish all thoughts of judgment. It doesn't make me evil to be upset. But then I imagine myself as a rock with the upset flowing over me like a river. Its there, its real, its not bad. But its also not going to move me. The biggest thing I had to learn is that blame never works. Blaming myself, blaming others, none of it. Even though there are lots of time where the people close to me could have been more sensitive if they tried, expressing that while still upset never works.

I used to throw things when I got triggered. A grown man, throwing whatever I could get my hands on. That took a lot of discipline to stop. And it took a long time. I started taking Celexa about that time so I can't say for sure I ever would've completely kicked that habit without drugs.

There's nothing wrong with me leaving the situation if I need to. Isolating myself can make other people feel rejected, but its better than lashing out at them. Sometime when you aren't upset, you can try to explain to them that their might be times you need to be by yourself for a little while and ask them not to take it personally.

If I can, I try to put a mental "bookmark" in the moment where I realize I'm upset. Then later I can try to work back and figure out the trigger. It doesn't always work.

I'm sorry for what your wife said to you. You didn't really have all the facts either. No one ever does.

I'm also going to say something that might be a little controversial. I have come to the conclusion that complete honesty with my wife is not beneficial. I want to have an authentic relationship with her and I would never lie to her about any that impacts her. She knows about my past and my mood swings. BUT there are some aspects of our struggle that only survivors can really understand. Others may disagree and it should be on a case by case basis, but for me I've found that I tell my wife things she can understand. If you tell her things she can't understand, its the same as speaking in an unintelligble language. Its just going to make her confused. That's a thin line to walk because you don't want to get in the habit of hiding your true self from her. But she can know the real you without knowing the blood and guts of every single battle. Again, obviously that's something you have to decide for yourself.

I think this is progress as long as you can keep yourself and your family safe. Its a very steep part of the mountain, but you don't learn to deal with this without falling down. No one does.

Stay alive.
Maybe spit some blood at the camera.
_________________________


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#442319 - 07/27/13 04:40 AM Re: I am a Lemon. **Possible Triggers** [Re: mattheal]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3524
Loc: O Kanada
i agree.
give your spouse a break.
my wife can only do so much for me,
and i cannot expect more.
she does not have what i need.
no person can give me that.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#442329 - 07/27/13 08:59 AM Re: I am a Lemon. **Possible Triggers** [Re: Jacob S]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1146
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: Jacob S

I'm sorry for what your wife said to you. You didn't really have all the facts either. No one ever does.


^^^THIS^^^

I can't really give relationship advise because I don't/won't even have relationships. I know enough to know that the above quoted statement is true though. It's unrealistic to expect that a person you have a relationship with and/or and even marry "knows all the facts" going in.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like a "lemon". My first impulse is to tell you not to feel that way but I also don't want to invalidate the feelings you have about your own life. All I can really say is I understand because I feel the same way about myself. I am a "lemon" too, or something even worse and less valuable than that. Maybe none of us should feel that way but I think it's at least helpful when we can admit to others that we do. At least then we can examine the reasons why we view ourselves that way and either work on fixing them or, if nothing else, put those reasons in some kind of less hurtful perspective. Sometimes that all we can really hope for and I think that's ok. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#442333 - 07/27/13 09:39 AM Re: I am a Lemon. **Possible Triggers** [Re: mattheal]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3509
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: mattheal
I posted some significant progress yesterday at 10 am. A phone call, a conversation, and a lot of reading, and I am broken as fuck. I know it's been progress but the fear and anxiety are kicking my ass.

from my experience - for what it's worth - every time i have had a significant breakthrough or step forward, it has been followed almost immediately by an emotional crash, slump or backlash. ride it out - like a pendulum, it will eventually find the middle - until next time.

Originally Posted By: mattheal
First, I realized that a great deal of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are nothing more than responses to childhood negect, emotional, phsical, and sexual abuse. As more and more things start to click, the more I realize that my thoughts and feelings have been completely hijacked by these factors to the point I can't even trust them.

but now you know - and that is something that you most likely did not understand before. realistic self-assessment is a significant and healthy step.

Originally Posted By: mattheal
Second I am starting to think the big gaps in my memories may be linked to my current issues with short term memory. I don't remember things from a year ago. Also have more than occasional anomic aphasia - nothing like being in a meeting and having to describe the item you can remember - would you please hand me that button thing with the talk so I can call.

yep - i get that too - and the worse the stress or the more intense the emotions or the wore the recovered or re-experienced memories in that time period - the worse the memory problems are - along with other stuff. your brain can only handle so much at one time. the short term memory problem improves as i shovel out the other crap in my head.

Originally Posted By: mattheal
Third, the Aha moments are coming faster and faster.

once the dam breaks - there is no stopping it. but that is both bad news - many are devastating - and good news - they are building blocks for growth.

Originally Posted By: mattheal
Fourth, finally started to deal with the Mom neglect issues. I did so very therapeutically.

whatever works for you... i've tried several approaches. what works keeps changing for me as i move on.

Originally Posted By: mattheal
They may be right. I may be crazy. But I just may be the lunatic....

a little comic relief here - in a restaurant a few months ago, the band was taking requests. i asked for "I love you just the way you are" by Billy Joel. they said they didn't know that but could play another of his songs. THAT is the one i got instead! we both laughed and cried.

Originally Posted By: mattheal
Sixth, ...I have a ton of triggers - I just don't know what they are. And my go to responses seem to either isolate myself, be a complete asshole, dish out a heaping of emotional abuse, or fall apart.

it took me a while to recognize triggers and then figure out how to deal with them. you can figure it out - takes a while - but you can get there.

Originally Posted By: mattheal
Finally, my wife came home and told me she is digusted by my personal brand of acting in (she can't understand why I would think of "that" why you JO). And for bonus points she brought up that she did not have all the facts when we got married.

sounds like a conversation we had - several times. there is NO WAY they can ever begin to understand. one of the most hurtful scenarios - but we both hung on in grim determination and stuck it out. less explanations and more acceptance and forgiveness. we made it.

Originally Posted By: mattheal
I don't know whether this is progress or if I just need to check myself in.

my vote is - "PROGRESS!"

the sheer volume of what you are going through (look at how many points there are in your list!) - is exhausting - but you are moving FAST. you may need to consciously try to slow down or take a break.

take care,
lee

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#442342 - 07/27/13 11:07 AM Re: I am a Lemon. **Possible Triggers** [Re: mattheal]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 755
Loc: Southeast USA
Matt,

Many others have already given you the same advice I would give. I want to just let you know that you are NOT a lemon. Our spouses can be a tremendous source of strength, but they too are human and subject to issuing ill-timed or ill-conceived advice or criticism. To be sure, that was a terrible thing to say.

After a bad day, my wife once said that I "needed to get over it." Well, that didn't help things at all and I let her know it. She eventually apologized, but the short-term damage was obvious.

So again, your wife's failure to fully understand or appreciate your difficulties does not make you "defective" or a "lemon." Our stories are still being written. "Facts" are woven into our fiber---and sometimes the entire pattern isn't apparent until we step back and look at things in perspective. That does not constitute defective goods.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#442345 - 07/27/13 11:21 AM Re: I am a Lemon. **Possible Triggers** [Re: mattheal]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Guys I really appreciate your responses, and it helped reading them today. Lee is right, I think things are going too fast to handle. I am taking a vacation next week with my family and have decided the only healing work I'm going to focus on is reconnecting with them.

Thank you.
Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

Top
#442348 - 07/27/13 11:54 AM Re: I am a Lemon. **Possible Triggers** [Re: mattheal]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 755
Loc: Southeast USA
Excellent work Matt. I think you're on the right path.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

Top
#442352 - 07/27/13 12:36 PM Re: I am a Lemon. **Possible Triggers** [Re: mattheal]
GoldStone Offline


Registered: 05/28/13
Posts: 220
Loc: Far East
Originally Posted By: mattheal
I am taking a vacation next week with my family and have decided the only healing work I'm going to focus on is reconnecting with them.


Just remember....the reason we avoid the people who love us is because we struggle to be present with them.

Go easy on yourself if you find that a whole week together (gasp) is setting you off mentally and emotionally.

Have someone you can 'check in' with so you can share EXACTLY whats on your mind, once a day, or every other day. If you don't have someone, i'm sure someone here would offer a number if you asked.

And if you are anything like me...humor is often the best way to stay comfortable and to help others feel comfortable (especially around prickly people like survivors).

Best of luck,

Michael

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