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#442147 - 07/25/13 03:49 PM Re: so vulnerable [Re: mattheal]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3598
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: mattheal
One day, when my Son is an adult I will tell him how grateful I am that I could learn that through his eyes.

This past week I saw another child having a really rough time during one of my Son's practices. And I sat there wanting to cry, and wishing I could take that his pain away.


something you said here made me think.

i, most certainly, have lived three happy childhoods through my three children. they are all in their teens now, and if they all make it to 18 without sexual abuse of any kind, i will be the happiest pappy on the planet. my kids have been a triple blessing.

BUT... i found that when they were agonizing and traumatizing over every little thing like sharing toys and clothes, i had a hard time empathizing over such "trivial" issues.
in my mind i was thinking, "you call this a problem? what are you complaining about?"
i had this same problem with my wife. i was never any good at pretending, so i had to learn to actually care about other people's little boo-boos.

it takes a lot for me to understand and accept it when people (who have never been sexually abused) fall apart at the first sign of trouble, or let the smallest obstacle stop their progress. because i love these people, i do everything i can to connect.

when i try to coach or cheerlead them into action, it does not have the desired effect. in fact, it often turns ugly and confrontational. i am told that they perceive me as either pushy, or condescending. i am their father, after all.

i have to continually remind myself that i am not living my life through my children.
they are not mine.
and although i love them more than i love myself, and i have devoted my life to protect them, they do not belong to me.

one thing i have learned, for certain, from the 4 childhoods i have experienced (mine and my 3 kids combined).
children are not as innocent or fragile as they appear.
they are resourceful and resilient as well.

that, in itself, gives me hope.

anyway, thanks mattheal, for bringing all this up.
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#442270 - 07/26/13 09:08 PM Re: so vulnerable [Re: traveler]
BraveFalcon Offline
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Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL
Hi Lee. A coupe of things. One, I have been in situations like this before where I see a child being mistreated or being spoken to in a cruel manner. It really, really hurts to witness. It even hurt me to read about you witnessing it. It sucks because you want to do or say something but you're usually in a situation where you just can't. Sometimes you can sneak it in though. Example...

Many years ago I was a bartender in a local restaurant in the town where my parents live. One particular night there was a woman sitting at the bar waiting for a table with her daughter, who appeared to be 7 or 8 sitting next to her. The woman was drinking a cocktail of some sort and the girl a Shirley Temple. At one point, the little girl reached up for her Shirley Temple and accidentally spilled it all over the bar. When she did, the mother grabbed her by the arm and spanked her with a few quick swats to the ass. Then, with her face close to the girls she growled, "YOU NEED TO BE MORE CAREFUL!" The little girl's eyes welled up with tears.

Resisting the temptation to smack the bitch mother in the face, I picked up my bar towel and while I wiped up the spill I very calmly smiled at the little girl and said, "It's ok sweetheart, you didn't do anything wrong. It was just a mistake. No need for anyone to be upset." The rest of the time they were there I spoke mostly only to the little girl and almost completely ignored the bitch, barley making eye contact with her. It felt so fucking good to show mommy dearest up like that.

When it comes to kids who are the age our CSA happened at, yes, it can be a very powerful realization tool. Whenever I am tempted to think the things that happened to me with the teenagers in the woods in Connecticut may not have been as big a deal as I want to make them out to be, I just think of those exact same things happening to my nephew, who is 7, going on 8 next month. Within months of the age I was when that happened. It is a devastating thought. He is so little, so sweet, so innocent. The thought of him being violated like that is unbearable. That alone brings me back to reality. It was a big deal. A very big deal. Just seeing children that age behave and operate and interact with others makes that as clear as a cloudless morning. Take care. Peace,

Ken



Edited by BraveFalcon (07/26/13 11:23 PM)

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#442277 - 07/26/13 09:47 PM Re: so vulnerable [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3598
Loc: O Kanada
ken,
did you comp the girl another shirley temple?
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#442283 - 07/26/13 10:57 PM Re: so vulnerable [Re: victor-victim]
BraveFalcon Offline
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Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: victor-victim
ken,
did you comp the girl another shirley temple?


Yes, but at that restaurant refills of fountain drinks were complimentary anyway and Shirley Temples were just considered regular fountain drinks. After all, they were only Sprite with grenadine mixed in. So, the answer is yes but it would have been the same had she not spilled it and just wanted more. Peace,

Ken

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#442284 - 07/26/13 11:01 PM Re: so vulnerable [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3598
Loc: O Kanada
that makes the mother's reaction even more inappropriate.
not that i haven't over-reacted to my own children's mistakes.
you get really worn out with kids because it goes on and on and on...
parents tend to lose their perspective.
the stress often escalates in public places.
it was good you were there to ease the tension and provide a distraction.
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#442288 - 07/26/13 11:34 PM Re: so vulnerable [Re: victor-victim]
BraveFalcon Offline
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Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL
Originally Posted By: victor-victim

you get really worn out with kids because it goes on and on and on...
parents tend to lose their perspective.
the stress often escalates in public places.


I guess so, but that doesn't justify the parenting skills of this particular fucking whore at all, nor her reaction to the "catastrophic" spill of the Shirley Temple.

Adults spilled beer and wine and mixed drinks all over that bar, all the time. No one ever smacked any of them and/or demanded that they "be more careful". If this mother-cunt had spilled beer on my bar and I smacked her and told her to "be more careful", I would have been fired and arrested. That's alls I'm sayin'.

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#442289 - 07/26/13 11:39 PM Re: so vulnerable [Re: traveler]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3598
Loc: O Kanada
say it, brother, say it!
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