"...And I still believe that I am responsible - even though in my head I know it's not true..."
Acknowledging that it's not true is a tremendous step in moving the thought from your head into your heart. And I heard the same remark. It simply isn't true for me, nor for you, nor for any of us.
"because the abuse was "exciting" and became my "thing", going so far as comparing it to a kid who live and sleeps sport where baseball may be his "thing". I don't like that and spoke up because I did have other things..."
On this, I will speak from my experiences with the abuse. I don't remember one instance in which the abuse was "exciting" or my "thing". As far as the abuse- or the sex, which is the abuse- is concerned, it wasn't exciting. It wasn't my "thing". I wasn't even allowed to get-off. For FOUR years as a teen, I never once got off while I was tending to the sex for mr. perp. Not once. I enjoyed the attention, I suppose. But I was nothing more than an unpaid, ungratified, underaged whore for a grown man whose "thing" was to get off. My T mentioned something a few weeks ago about how children also enjoy the sex of abuse- at least according to some scholars. But I think we are perverting the abuse even more so, when we assume that there is an enjoyment for a kid based on the sex. And I know that is an area of contention. ... And this is only based on my own experiences and thoughts.
..."His response sounded like he was pissed -....
Does any of this sound odd to you?..."
I wouldn't give much thought to his sounding upset. If it persists, you will know he has some issues he needs to work on. And that its time to find someone grounded enough to help you with what you need. And just so you know, I challenge my T at least once during every session. This past week, after three rapids "...and what do you think of that..."..... I just stopped talking, looked at him, and said, "you need to stop that now." He turned red, apologized, and became "clinically" human to me again. I say, keep him on his toes and help him rise to your expectations in the sessions. (... I would love a tree hugger therapist!)
As far as sounding "odd". Actually, Matt, its not all that different from the lady T I was with for about 6 months. When she arrived at #3 of the unforgettable remarks she made, I left. I can only say again, I wish I had left after the #1 remark.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.