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#44214 - 02/14/03 07:08 AM Montel Williams
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
Montel did a show on incest and sexual abuse yesterday. Needless to say it opened up the dialog between the wife and I, as she listened to what these women went through. One was molested and raped by her father from the time she was 9 until 15. She had a son by him. He also had two sisters, and the older sisters husband raped the younger sister. He ended the show by talking about how someday society would have to wake up and take better care of our children.

I guess at least in my mind, I can make excuses for the boy who abused me. I tell myself things like he was only a kid, and just made a mistake. I would hope he wasnít an adult victimizing children now. Since I only vaguely knew him, and certainly couldnít point him out now, there is no one to be angry with except this shadowy figure. It almost makes him inhuman like a dream instead of a fact. I take comfort in telling myself he was only a kid.

I couldnít imagine having your mother or father do this to me. For those who have, I feel for you. As this woman described being raped while her mother and brother slept only feet away, it really tore me up. I feel fortunate that my abuser cultivated that relationship instead of brutalizing me. Yes, it was still rape, still wrong, but he never hurt me. Iím thankful for that. I couldnít imagine being ripped and torn, beat and bleeding. It had to be awful for her, and for many of you. My heart goes out to you all.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#44215 - 02/14/03 09:00 PM Re: Montel Williams
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Thank you for sharing your post, Zadok1. Thank you also for your empathy and the concern you expressed for the brothers here who are rape suvivors. Your posts and those of the other brothers here make it easier for all of us to share honestly and get the support and help we need. We all need your support, and we are here to support you and one another.

Jess.


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#44216 - 02/15/03 12:59 PM Re: Montel Williams
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello men,

Thanks for your thoughts zadok1 and Jess. I did not see the Montel show, I really never get the opportunity to look at TV before the evening news. But I have heard about it from some other de>
_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#44217 - 02/22/03 08:09 PM Re: Montel Williams
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Quote:
I guess at least in my mind, I can make excuses for the boy who abused me. I tell myself things like he was only a kid, and just made a mistake.
Jess,

The first time that I can remember/have remembered being abused was when I was 4 or 5. I say can remember because it has only been in the last year that I did REMEMBER.

It was the little girls across the alley that molested me. I was probably 4. I think the youngest little girl was my sisters age ( 3 years older) and the oldest would have been 3 to 4 years older than that.

I will say that I never really did place much emphasis on the event because like you said "they were only kids".

But, as someone said the other day. "They had to learn this behavior from somewhere.
I still don't place a lot of blame on them but rather I blame them for starting the cycle of abuse that has haunted me all of my adult life. I remember so many details of each of my Sexual assaults.

What is really strange is that I don't remember any of my life before I was 5. We lived in Phoenix until I was 3. My parents moved into the house we live in now when I was 5 1/2. I have a few memories of the house where the S A occured ... but those memories are of the S A and of always being alone and never having any friends to play with.

What is really strange though is that I have always remembered a crazy dream (nightmare) that I used to have. I had this dream until I was probably 13 or 14.

I was always the "fly on the wall " watching myself being chased. Being chases all over the house by Santa Clause. Finally, to get away from him, I go run down the stairs to the basement of the house. But, Santa Clause slides down the banister and beats me to the bottom of the stairs. Every once in a while I would beat Santa and I would hide. He would always try to catch me.

There was a basement appartment in the house. In order to get away from Santa I would run into the bathroom of the apartment and close the door. It was right around the corner from the stairs. The cleanout for the furnace was in the bathroom. I would always open the door to the furnace and "get sucked into " the furnace just as Santa would break down the door. The "magic of the furnace/Santa's magic) was lost because the magic only worked for one person. I would end up on the roof and Santa would be standing on the ground shaking his fist at me telling me "he would get me someday".

The other day My T I asked my T the proverbail question " do I have a big sign on my forehead that says Rape me. He said no ... but most survivors have, what he called "inflicted, sad, fearful eyes." Our perpitrator see these eyes. \:\(


It was just now that I remembered one of the shortest jobs that I ever had 2 1/2 hours. I was to be a Santa at the Mall for Christmas. I was fired because the manager said that one of the customers had said that " I had the "saddest" eyes of any Santa she had ever seen:( ... and Santa is supposed to be Jolly. \:D

Each day I find one more piece of the jigsaw puzzle of my life. The border is almost done, It's time to finish the picture.

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#44218 - 02/22/03 10:09 PM Re: Montel Williams
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
John, friend, let the pieces come in their own time. You have a lot of things happening now that consumes a lot of energy. The puzzle will be settled at an appropriate time. I think mine will not be, and that is just fine with me.

Take it easy John, one day at a time.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#44219 - 02/23/03 06:19 PM Re: Montel Williams
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jess

Quote:
I guess at least in my mind, I can make excuses for the boy who abused me. I tell myself things like he was only a kid, and just made a mistake.
Quote:
"They had to learn this behavior from somewhere.
That's a FACT, what they did was wrong for whatever reasons. And they did have to learn that stuff from somewhere.
My main abusers were 13 when I was 11, and they knew ALL about sex, they knew about anal and oral sex, kissing, different positions, the wqhole thing.
They had to have learnt that from somewhere, it's 99% certain they'd been abused as well, but NOTHING was forcing them to continue the cycle.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#44220 - 02/25/03 05:50 PM Re: Montel Williams
Kieran1 Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/03
Posts: 33
Loc: Canada
John,I saw your last post,and was kind of shaken when you said that your therapist told you about the abused having "inflicted,sad,fearful eyes". I have begun to wonder if I sometimes have or have had that look in my eyes.Maybe when I was a boy after the abuse? Or up until last month before I disclosed my abuse.That is almost haunting to me.Can people actually see that in us? God,I hope not. My therapist has not said anything about that to me,but I want to bring it up first thing tomorrow when I see him.I want to ask him what do you see in my eye? Maybe the answer will put my fears to rest or scare the hell out of me.Tell me more about this please John?


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#44221 - 02/25/03 07:21 PM Re: Montel Williams
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
My therapist told me recently that my eyes would sometimes attain a hardness. Angry, distant and cold. It's an accurate assessment of how I carried myself for a long time (and sometimes still do.) \:\(

Apparently eyes really are the windows to the soul.


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