this is about the first time i finally disclosed what happened to me.
fast forward to 1981
i was 20 years old.
making good money.
thought my horrible past was finished and forgotten.
a high school girl i was involved with went to a party.
accepted a ride from a school friend.
ended up gang raped, beaten, and can't hardly remember a thing, but she remembers the guys who did it.
the police made no arrests, the suspects walked, and the community went into an outrage.
it turned into a race war with carloads of guys out looking for each other with guns.
plenty of macho posturing, death threats, etc.
one guy got beaten with clubs at a party, another guy's house burned down.
the guy who got beaten skipped town and got reported by his family as a missing person,
so the police questioned me about his disappearance.
he later turned up ok.
even the victim's father got caught up in the revenge fantasy.
anyway, this vigilante justice lynch mob did little or no good for the victim herself.
her needs got overlooked and lost in the uproar.
while all this public drama was going on,
she was undergoing a private trauma.
no one, not even i, noticed she was suffering in silence. until...
she took an overdose of sleeping pills in my bed.
this really made me angry with her.
about a week after her overdose i scolded and challenged her to "stop acting like a baby"
"get over it" "so you got raped, big deal"
"life is hard, get used to it" "survival of the fittest"
"what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" "don't be a weak link" etc.
i was unkind and unsympathetic to her pain.
what she said next, i will never forget.
"what do you know about it? nothing.
you've never been raped."
i was shocked at my own immediate response.
"you think you are the only person who's been raped.
i was raped, too.
so what? stop feeling sorry for yourself.
you don't see me crying and trying to kill myself."
it came out of my mouth,
as natural as "hello",
and now, it could never be unsaid.
the look on her face said it all.
i had never told anyone this before.
i had not even admitted it to myself.
now, i had just blurted it out.
i ended up telling her the whole nightmare experience with cliff olson,
and as i heard the words coming out of my mouth,
it was like listening to someone else tell a tale that sounded strange and familiar at the same time.
i knew the story, but had never heard it before.
my brain kept screaming "i was raped." "i was raped."
the words repeated in my head as i recited details in a dispassionate voice.
then, in a case of extremely eerie timing,
right after i revealed for the first time that i was raped by cliff olson,
cliff olson was suddenly in the news everywhere.
he had been arrested for the murders of over a dozen children.
i decided to report my incident to the rcmp.
in another bizarre coincidence, the officers they sent to take my statement were the same detectives
that had "handled" the case of my girlfriend's sexual assault.
they were no more encouraging to me than they were to her.
i never got my say nor did i get my day in court.
long story short, instead of improving her situation,
my disclosure made me realize what had actually happened to me.
my mental health rapidly deteriorated,
and within a few months i began a self destruct spiral
that ended with me finally confessing to myself that i was NOT OK.
i had done nothing to deal with my past but drugs and denial and danger.
my relationship with the girl did not recover.
i finally accepted that i needed help,
and i began getting help.
i have been struggling and suffering and surviving and succeeding for 45 of my 52 years of life.
the healing began with the disclosure.
the disclosure caught me completely by surprise.
even now, i am still in the process of disclosure.
i am proud to be as healthy as i am.
i swear it's getting easier.
thanks MS.ORG for being there to help me sort out this mess of memories.
writing it down and publicly posting what happened has made a huge difference to me.
i believe this has been an major improvement.
childhood part 1> http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=439722#Post439722
childhood part 2> http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...2615#Post432615
clifford olson part 1> http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...76022#Post76022
clifford olson part 2> http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...3693#Post433693
how i finally surpassed surviving and started healing and truly living. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=432551#Post432551